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Have you experienced stalking?

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cindy:
Hi.

I'm an older college student studying psychology, on my way to law school.  I'm working on a senior thesis, qualitative, and will be interviewing victims stalked by former intimates.  I'll be looking at what victims have observed about their stalkers' behaviors, past and present.

I've become more and more interested in seeing if there is a correlation between former intimate stalkers and cluster B personality disorders.  My ex-husband stalks me, and I believe he would be diagnosed as a narcissist.  His behavior is passive-aggressive and very dramatic.  The most telling thing he ever said to me was after he smashed a finger.  He was making a lot of noise but looking at me sideways.  I said, "Why don't you just say ouch when it hurts?"  He said, "I don't know when it hurts."  Other than a few similar flashes of insight, I think he has no idea who he is.

I belong to two stalking boards, and they have been an immense help.  The people there seem to observe the same traits in their former intimate stalkers.  I keep qualifying stalker as I believe people stalk for many reasons, most but not all about control.

I'm here for two reasons.  First, I am still reeling from finding out that my husband of 16 years had a secret life, almost from the start, and I need to find peace with that; and I believe I will be safer if I can understand his motivations better.  Although they make some sense to me, the way he must think is still so illogical and foreign to the way I think.

Second, I am hoping that anyone who has a stalking story would share it with me.  I have not yet met with my committee about participant selection, and so may not be able to include stories from a board dealing with narcissism, but if I can, I would also like to include you in my research.

Nic:
Hi Cindy!

Thanks for dropping by. Stalking is about the only thing I haven't experienced!  Good luck with your  research nevertheless. It'll be interesting to see if anyone has experienced stalking in the context of a N relationship.
Kind regards,
Nic :wink:

rosencrantz:
Hi Cindy - to understand deeply his stalking behaviour, I'd recommend Patricia Evans 'Controlling People'.  It doesn't 'specialise' in stalkers but it really does take you through step by step the process by which they arrive where they do.

But I don't think of narcissists as passive-aggressive.  They're too outright aggressive with their raging and paranoia for that.

That story about not knowing when it hurts...wow!  He sounds totally disconnected.  What kind of abuse did he go through as a child??  The disconnection might also explain the 'secret life' - well, it was secret from you - was it secret from him, too??  I mean, did he see himself as living  both lives at the same time or was he disconnected in each of them, too???  I'm not suggesting he's got a split personality, but have you read 'Sybil'???

R

Anika:
I have been stalked many a time. I don't know what it is about me (I blame it on universal pheromones) but I seem to attract AAAALLLLL kinds! :lol:

My first stalker was an older boyfriend that I had no business with in the first place. I was 16 and he was 21. It all started with controling and posessive behavior. He used to tell me that someone saw me with another guy and told him about it. Of course, it wasn't true. He was just trying to get me to admit to something even though I wasn't doing anything. In fact, HE was cheating on me!

Anyway, I attempted to end the relationship on several occasions but I was completely out of my league. I had no idea how to handle him. He began waiting in our garage for me to get home from school. I was afraid to take a ride home if it was offered because if there was another male in the car I knew I'd be in trouble and so would the other guy - just because he was in the car with me!

After I finally got rid of him, I had a series of other stalkers - three I think - who were also either astranged lovers or suitors. They would follow me and spy on me. One of them actually tried to hire someone to beat up my boyfriend at the time! He also put dead roses on my car and hung up signs along roads that I frequently drove along begging me to be with him. One night he called me claiming that he had a gun in his hand and he was going to shoot himself if I didn't go out with him. I hung up on him!  :lol:

All that was while I was still in high school. I have only had one other stalker since then and he too was an exlover. He howled outside of my window for hours wailing and crying for me to come back to him. I had left him because he was cheating on me! Go figure!  :roll:

As far as criminal behavior goes, the first stalker is the only one that I know for sure got in trouble with the law. The others I don't know about, but I'm sure it was only a matter of time.

CC:
I am certainly not an expert, but generally I would venture to say that stalking if not a common narcissist behavior, because  if they are not getting their supply of adoration met, they seek it elsewhere.  That is not to say that your stalker is not a narcissist, however.

The narcissists in my life will almost do the opposite when you excercise distance.  They will often "desert" you to try and induce GUILT, while perhaps occasionally leaving you a message or coming back to your life to say how "so and so" is so great, and why can't you be more like them, and see, because "so and so" is doing everything they get [this] etc. or tell you what a horrible person you are for not catering to their every need, or how you're missing out.

I think it is great that you are exploring all the areas.  Good luck with your recovery and research.

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