Where does this leave me, I wonder? The end?

[Margo]

Izzy,

 You were wise to shut down for awhile after all you experienced.

Let me make this perfectly clear--(Nixon?)

I have shut down for about 65 years--that's a lot of time to live without "feeling".

The therapist and I have much to discuss!!

Love
Izzy

Wow...... when my 66 yo best friend finally fell apart, during her divorce from a probably N spouse..... she cried and cried like a baby, crying for her mama.  This, after being pretty much disconnected from her feelings all her life.  It was an enlightening experience for her.  It let her know that she'd never learned to deal with her emotions before that, mainly because she wasn't in touch with them.  Therapists pretty well pointed out how they saw things.  They also saw her husband as an N.     

I must say that she's moved through prozac, something she thought helped a bit, and kept learning and growing till she's come out more in touch.  She's aware now.  That really helped get through everything.   Letting herself get angry.  Giving herself permission to BE angry.  GETTING angry and giving that anger a VOICE helped her individuate and experience her emotions more fully.   She's a happy healthy active 76yo woman who very much knows her own mind, has opinions, is informed and enjoying her children and grandchildren. 

I must say..... she's even let go of all the anger she had her for N.... and the mistress he married.  You can do it too.  The desire to help yourself will get you started.  Now..... be gentle and forgive yourself as you go.  I want to say......"think of it as an interesting journey" but.... then I want to smack myself.  I'm so sorry there will be pain for you..... getting in touch with feelings that poignant.  Just know this..... you can always quit.  If you keep working on it though... .all that pain will give way to better things.  They're waiting for you.  Moving through the fire is hard and most people can't do it.  But it's the only way and it will end.  Better things will begin.  Stick with it.  ((((())))))

I also want you to know that I believe it IS hope that kills us.  When we give up hoping for impossible things.... we may feel that it will kill us.... but it never does.  It just banishes our ghosts and lets us face the real moments before us.  Good luck.

[isittoolate]

(((((((Margo)))

Thank you for your kind words of hope for this "old lady"

......"think of it as an interesting journey" ...................

The way I am now I believe that is exactly what I think it will be........
................ however, I might meet the real me and scream to the high hills and go over the edge again!

It let her know that she'd never learned to deal with her emotions before that, mainly because she wasn't in touch with them.

You got it! That is me! I haven't cried since 1992--after being one year estranged from my daughter and grandchildren.

I just hope I live long enough to meet me!

love
Izzy

[debkor]

Izzy,

I think I may understand maybe just a tiny bit to your lock box with you feelings.
I experienced it one time when I lost my first child. I shut right down in the hospital. I knew she was dying. I said it. I was not showing any emotion. I was on robot mode.  I was staying in control no matter how horrible it was.  There was nothing I could do about it. My hysteria would not have fixed anything.  I was aware of what was going on at all times. They tried to tell me I was in a denial because I refused to go upstairs and see my baby. But they would never say she was dying.  They even sent in a shrink to talk to me and push me to go see her. I was yelling at this point. I know she's dying, I saw her when she was born now get out where is my OB.
They told me he would be in to see me shortly but never where he was.  He finally came in after I had thrown everyone out.  I looked at him and said is she dying, he said yes.  That is all I wanted (validation).  He said he wasn't with me because he was with my daughter the whole time. I said I don't want to see her is that OK. I saw her when she was born and touched her (he validated that too) he had seen me do it.  I told him I know she's hooked up to everything and I don't want to remember her that way. He validated that too.  I rather remember her the way she was born. I was not in a denial.  He validated that also. Then I opened up the lock box.  I felt safe. 
Funny thing is when I had to go back for my checkup a month later.  He leaned against the wall put his eyes down then up into mine and said I hope I did the right thing. He didn't tell me when I was in hard labor how bad off my baby was. He didn't want to make it any harder on me at that time. He had told my family what was going on and said he though it better to not tell me. He was suffering if he had made the right decision to not tell me from the start.  I told him he was right and he threw his arms around me and gave me a kiss.  I validated his feelings and decision also.  He needed me to validate he did the right thing.  Then he cried.  I guess everyone has lock boxes.
Some just take longer to unlock.

I think you are a wonderful person Izzy and you will find that key.
This is probably my understanding (very little) short experience that I can kind of identify a little bit of a lockbox.

Love
Deb

[Margo]

I just hope I live long enough to meet me!

love
Izzy


Margo/Tremusan writes:

I don't know that you'll recognize her when you meet her, lol.  These things sort of sneak up on us.... they don't pounce, IME.  ((())))

[isittoolate]

Thank you tt, and Margo

I just hope I live long enough to meet me!

I hope I live long enough to meet you too!   

We're cute!

Deb: Your story is heart-wrenching. I can tell. I won't ask you any more about it, but I wonder how I would be in such a situation, when I would be already shutdown.dissocated.disconnected.everything locked up tight inside.

If one's familiy and friends don't know about "shutting down" they might think the other to be cruel and heartless.

At this point I am 2000 miles away from everyone.

The people here don't know my past, only my therapist and she is calling it heavy-duty stuff!
I have been very introspective today, thinking about my brother, the youngest, and my sister, between us, are coming to see me in AUGUST. Ever since I was told about this visit, I have been edgy. I don't know whether to be as usual with them, or tell them the truth. If/Since they were not as affected by the family dysfunction as was I, I doubt they will understand.

I am SO familar with people, who have not walked a mile in my shoes, who don't understand.

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and be understood~~~Seneca

Love Izzy

[axa]

Izzy,

Reading your post reminded me of when I started therapy about 10 years ago.  I would relate stories about my childhood, life, etc to my therapist and she told me it was like listening to someone reading a book.  I had NO connection with the feelings of the abuse.  It was how i survived, they were just too painful.  I have been attaching to my feelings over the past ten years, have had many difficulties and struggles but now feel real or should I say now feel.  It is so different.  I am so grateful you posted this thread as it has helped me see how far I have come. 

I guess we are all taking the road less travelled here.  I know this is difficult but wish you strength on your road.

axa

[isittoolate]

Thank you axa,

I needed this, as I haven't heard from anyone else who had detached and the was able to feel.

Thanks all,

I was talking to her about a sister of mine, who had my daughter after the car accident and didn't bring her to see me but once in 2 months: how angry I was, but helpless.

Therapist interrupted , "Whoao, whoa whoa here! You are talking about some pretty heavy........... .."

The point is that she was listening but she didn't hear a change in my voice  or manner, like I was just reading from a book, but my words impacted her, not my manner.

Izzy

It was that, with the therapist and I knew I was talking by rote, but she was hearing me.

Wow 10 years. I don't know if I have that much money!

Love
Izzy

[debkor]

Izzy,

Are you aware of the talent you have? 

You should really write a book. You have such a talent of expressing things.  The way you write I can picture the story (like a movie in my head) as I read. 
You remind me that if you were to write/movie it would be something like (Fried Green Tomatos).  What I mean is not that exact movie but done in that fashion. Story done about the life of Izzy.

Deb

[isittoolate]

Hiya Deb,

Yes I am surprised that you say I have talent. I think that what I write is so straight and to the point that it would be dismissed for not being Flowery enough.

I see what you been about the style of Fried Green Tomatoes. Hmmmm!??

Love Izzy


Hiya TT

Thank you for the post
I said, "I needed this, as I haven't heard from anyone else who had detached and the(n) was able to feel.

I omitted the 'n' and was responding to axa.
"...anyone...who had disconnected and then learned how to feel"

My therapist is asking me, when I relate something 'heavy-duty', what I fell in my chest............. and there is nothing or just a twinge.........not the "ready to explode" feelings that I used to have at times, so as much as I disconnected very young, as more traumas came I've become worse, I think. 

Being singled out for something/anything would almost make me lose my mind. I would shake and stammer and have a chest ready to explode.

Now it wouldn't matter if the Queen asked to see me, I would take it with a grain of salt.

Thanks
Izzy

[Margo]

Thank you tt, and Margo

I just hope I live long enough to meet me!

I hope I live long enough to meet you too!   

We're cute!

Deb: Your story is heart-wrenching. I can tell. I won't ask you any more about it, but I wonder how I would be in such a situation, when I would be already shutdown.dissocated.disconnected.everything locked up tight inside.

If one's familiy and friends don't know about "shutting down" they might think the other to be cruel and heartless.

At this point I am 2000 miles away from everyone.

The people here don't know my past, only my therapist and she is calling it heavy-duty stuff!
I have been very introspective today, thinking about my brother, the youngest, and my sister, between us, are coming to see me in AUGUST. Ever since I was told about this visit, I have been edgy. I don't know whether to be as usual with them, or tell them the truth. If/Since they were not as affected by the family dysfunction as was I, I doubt they will understand.

I am SO familar with people, who have not walked a mile in my shoes, who don't understand.

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and be understood~~~Seneca

Love Izzy

I think that the best place to be is where you can be honest with them and accepted.  They may need to hear your truth in small bites.... in a way that doesn't bring up shame and blame in themselves.  God only knows that they may feel something awful like they failed you and each other and should have been able to save you or whatever.... .and they jump sideways.  They may do a lot of things but I would focus on what you want them to hear.  That would have to be some of the truth if it was me in your shoes.  What do you think?  Chances are.... they'll have their own stories to share with you about how they were affected.  ((()))

[isittoolate]

Hi TT

I am learning here what I ought to have learned YEARS ago.

Disconnect --I infer there are no feelings and they must be found.

Detach-- I infer to be about One particular thing, but still feelings about others.

Indifferent--I infer that it is about one /two particular people but not EVERYONE.

I've had only 2 visits with her--the last one being she discovered my 'disconnection'. I've needed this week to take it in, now I can ask her on Thursday!
xx
Izzy