Cold Turkey

[debkor]

I have been flashing back to my N.  It’s a good flashback. I’m choosing to go there and take a good look.  I’m going back from things that are expressed on this board but I’m not scared and I’m not angry anymore.  I relate to everyone’s stories here and the pain, oh that pain to deal what they have done to us and what we had done to ourselves.
 
I think it was a lot easier for me to focus on how evil, cold, calculating, deceiving, mean, inhuman he was. Although he was gone it was still easier for me to focus on what he had done. He was all those things I have said and then some It was so much easier to blame he and only he.  I was on my own with a new born baby and 2year old.  This was my new life.  It was a forced new life. I was mad that I was starting a new life alone without him and yet the past was still haunting my new life.  I felt outraged that he was invading somewhere he wasn’t invited in (my life).  I invited him to my new life.  I kept those emotions and memories going. I was still trying to figure out what was wrong with him.  I was so conditioned to keep the bad feeling.  I felt more comfortable with the old then the new.  I knew what I had in the past but didn’t know what the future was going to be.  I was afraid to take that step outside myself.  It was frightening. I hated to face my fears.
And all my fear was, the unknown.
 
I had left over emotions like you all but my exN was not able to manipulate me in anyway or my children.  I had no court battles. I had no contact. My children were not ordered to see their father.  They had no after effects. They were young and didn’t remember anything. They had a good father image from their stepfather.  They had no confusion with their real dad being around.   When my ex was gone he was really gone.
He was removed from the picture with no help from me.  It was almost a God Send.  I feel blessed. So I relate to your emotions but I was able to put them to rest a lot easier then most.  It was taken away from me.  I went Cold Turkey and not by choice.
I am sure if the circumstances were different and he was not put in prison my life would have been still haunted and crazy up until my children turned 18 or even longer.  I don’t know.

I feel for you all.  I can’t imagine the on going pain.  I am so sorry for this.  So please forgive me for not understanding fully. I can only imagine my life if he was not snatched away. I am so sorry for all the left over pain everyone is dealing with. And there is really not much more for me to say.  I’m sorry.  I feel I got off easy and I hate to see you all not.
I wish I could snatch them all up and put them with my husband where they could compare stories behind bars.  My no contact was set for me without me having to put much effort into it.

Love Deb

[debkor]

CB,

Thank you.  Your right I did dig my way out as you are.  You are getting there and I think you are touching the end of it.  It is in your reach now. 


When I put myself in your shoes of the on going effects, money, children, visitation,siblings,jobs, whatever it is, and still having to deal with the N's in someway it kills me.  I can feel it through you all. I wish I could banish them all to the fantasy land they live  in with no other human contact with exception of others like themselves.
You are the bravest people I have ever met and I'm glad I met you all.

Love Deb

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((deb))))))))))))

You are an inspiration!!!! And you did have some luck (having him removed from your life), but you had the smarts to know what to do with that luck, and that is all any of us could ever wish to have:)

Thank you for reminding me that there is good in bad and help where we don't expect it.

Love, Beth