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"voicelessness" makes sense.

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sgirl:
Thanks to a recent breakup, which was incredibly painful for me, I am now getting help with what could be described as voicelessness.  I just discovered this website this evening, and everything I have read makes sense.  
I sought therapy because I was having a very hard time with the breakup.  I had been involved with a man for 2 years - and despite the fact that there were red flags right from the start of the relationship, which materialized into serious problems, I did everything I could to cling to that man.  To be honest, I let him control my life for 2 years.  
Going to therapy has been extremely helpful for me.  It has taught me that my "voicelessness" leads me to seek approval from others, and in relationships with men.  I have been seeking approval my whole life (32 years).  In my head, I am always envisioning scenes and circumstances where I say something/do something that makes everyone stop and take notice.  AND, I am constantly worried about my appearance.  I always thought it was my needing attention - now I realize, it is my needing a voice.

There is a child in me who did not have a voice, and that child has been looking for her voice for a very long time.  Slowly, I think I am gaining my voice.  While I have not fully gained that voice, I know I will - and understanding the root of the problem has been the biggest help.

Portia:
Hello sgirl. Are you trying to discover why you do as you do? Any thoughts about this that you want to talk to us about, or questions you want to ask? There are probably people here who share similar circumstances if you want to talk more. P

sgirl:
Hi - Thanks for the replies.

I did wonder why I acted the way I do, but have discovered why now.  I truly was (and still am) voiceless.  The good thing is that I know that now, and am on the path to gaining a voice.  
It is really hard sometimes, though.  I'm a grad student, and honestly, sometimes I worry that I spend more time thinking about my appearance, what has happened to me, the breakup, etc., than I do about my schoolwork!  
I read the essay about Voiceless people and why they choose the same type of peope in all their relationships and kept saying "that's me, that's me" as I was reading.  Like I said in my original post, I CLUNG to every shred of a relationship with this last guy.  I made him the sun and the moon.  Everyone around me could see what I was doing, and while I knew in the back of my mind that things were not good with us, I refused to believe it.  
As a child, I spent a lot of time on my own, due to shyness.  I think people didn't know how to deal with me, and so they spoke for me.  

One question I do want to ask is, are there any ways of reminding yourself why you're acting the way you are (i.e. worrying about what others think of you, always trying to make an impression on people you think matter) - it's like, the minute I step out the front door, I forget everything the therapist and I have talked about and revert to my old ways.  I suppose it's a long process, though.  

Thanks again!

Portia:

--- Quote ---are there any ways of reminding yourself why you're acting the way you are (i.e. worrying about what others think of you, always trying to make an impression on people you think matter)
--- End quote ---

Hi sgirl. I don’t know about reminding yourself, but when you start to think those thoughts, just stop, see a red light: and instead concentrate on someone else (the person you’re with, someone you can see). Try and get inside their heads: are they nervous, are they shy, do they seem very confident? Really look carefully at someone else…see their nervous twitches and funny habits.. it’s a great tonic for calming me down! I totally forget myself. People are so interesting once you start watching them too. Hope this helps. P

PS and it may help remembering that everyone is more concerned about what they're doing, how they look, than they are in you - so relax!

cj:
Good advice portia. Its so true when we are self conscious, or rather really self conscious (or is it just we are more aware of it), we forget that others are too. If you can look closer you will see many other people are. I find public transport to be the most obvious one. People just don't seem comfortable (at least where I live!) (maybe a UK thing), especially in these seats where people have to face each other LOL.

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