Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Walk a mile in my shoes

(1/3) > >>

Anonymous:
Remember that song, "Walk a mile in my shoes, before you criticise and abuse, walk a mile in my shoes."

I've been thinking a lot about the heartless and insensitive people in and out of my life. And thinking about Flo's dad and how she is able to see the love he had for her, despite the disorder they now believe he had.

This is because I've just had my father-in law staying with me for the past month. He is such a dear sweet man. But he's been through his own hell and for a long time as a tyrrant with his children, one of whom is my husband. My f-i-l is leaving in a few days laden with books on Narcissisum. He and I have discussed in detail how he helped create my husband.

I won't go into too much detail, but when my husband was 14 my f-i-l was driving the car, backed out of their yard all packed up to go on holidays, f-i-l was fiddling with the radio and not looking at the road, driving down their road and ran into the back of a truck with a long pole hanging off the back. The pole went through the windscreen through his wife's brian. She died instantly. My husband, a boy at the time was in the back seat of the car with his younger brother, they were both unharmed physically. They all had to go through a coronial enquiry which was extremely traumatic. My f-i-l always felt that it was his fault. He cut off from everyone, especially her family.

My  f-i-l hit the bottle for 20 years, in a major way. He became an intolerant, abusive alcoholic. He let the panel beating business go that he and his wife had built, chased women endlessly, neglected his sons. My husband tended to and looked after his younger brother, emotionally and physically at school. This whole period turned my husband, who was a sensitive loving boy into a completely closed superficial individual with NPD. His brother hasn't gone that way though. He is a very gentle caring person who became as school teacher and has a great sense of humour
and is so tolerant and patient with kids.

My f-i-l isn't on the bottle anymore, and is the greatest grandfather to my children I could ever hope for. He's trying hard to build bridges with my husband now, and his support and understanding has been tremendous for me. If he hadn't shared the details of my husbands childhood I'd have never understood why my husband is like he is. This doesn't let my husband off the hook. But my understanding and compassion has grown with this knowledge.

So I think we can't always know why people are insensitive and abusive. We just try to make the best sense of it that we can, according to our limited knowledge. I think a lot of the time it's not even directed at us intentionally. It's their skewed coping mechanisms often. How they've learned to cope with what life dished out to them. My husband has copied his father's 'shutting people out' style whenever he's needed as an emotional support in our family, or whenever he needs emotional support.

I'm not as harsh on him now, as I know I have been. He just hasn't had it in him. So I think of this song sometimes when I have trouble dealing with his coldness. "Walk a mile in my shoes...."

Guest

Anonymous:
HI Guest;
 That's quite an intense story you've shared.  I guess the best would be to be able to be compassionate and understand that the N's in our lives were abused as well and so deveoped this PD as a defense.

 Where I have trouble though is when a person like my mother, who obviously knows what its like to be abused and broken by the rage and non- love of an alcoholc mother,  has refused all her life to  refrain from dishing out mean, cruel and sometimes evil behavior towards her children.   If you know how it feels  WHY on earth would you do the same and more to your own children??? (my mother is not an alcoholic so even more so she is aware of her actions).

  Wish I could turn the other cheek  and chalk it up to her being abused as a child and let it just go its way but I have natural defenses that I (we) was born with that swing into action when someone is striking out.  So needless for her to act mean as her offspring are very nice people and don't deserve this treatment.

  You see, she has a choice and she has chosen to not get help (afraid of what might be uncovered) and then has chosen to continue to try to subjugate her kids.  There has been NO responsibilty taken on her part to say "I'm sorry" (unlike your father in law) and in fact called  me a mean, evil, and wicked liar when I confronted her ten years ago in the  Susan Foreward style presented in the book "Toxic Parents" .  She has been leery of me since and still blames me for having brought it up in the first place rather than acknowledging it so we could go on and build a relationship.   Typical to a nonrecovered NPD  I am to blame for everything because I wouldn't collude to pretend that the abuse hadn't happened.  When my younger sister brought up the topic years before I did she was told she was schizophrenic!  (My mother doesn't even know what schizophrenic is...nice try)   Grrrrrrr.     I'm glad your father in law is trying to change; its much easier to be compassionate with a former abuser when they are trying to make amends and are no longer throwing ammunition at you.  Surf.

Anonymous:
Yeah Surf, I know where you're coming from and I tend to agree with you, a lot sort of. Seems like a contradiction doesn't it. But the thing that worked for me with my husband and parent was, when I no longer needed to have THEM understand ME. This has taken a long time and been a very freeing lesson in alot of ways. I had to accept that they will probably never say sorry for lot of stuff.

I used to waste ans spend a lot of my limited supply of emotional energy trying so hard to get these people to understand me and my point of view. It was completely futile and a lost cause.

Initially when I realised that I was wasting my time I threw the baby out with the bath water. I misunderstood it for rejection of me as a perso. But funnily enough - these people still wanted me in their lives, even when I was no longer a supply source. Why? What supply was I meeting when I was totally withdrawn?

I eeventually came to accept them like I do one of my best friends who has marijuana induced schizophrenia. I accept her and her strangeness, but I have limited expectations of her. I have another friend with a type of BPD, I have limited expectations of her too.

Sounds like all my friends are weird doesn't it. They're not. I have some healthy friends and family too. I have just learned not too expect too much from certain people. It's easier and works for me. Thanks for your response.

Guest

phoenix:
bye

Anonymous:
Unlike you Pheonix, I didn't have an over-developed sense of compassion. Mine was need. I may have mistaken it for something nobler. But I needed to feel loved and have a loving relationship with certain people in my life, parents, husband and friends. I had the illusion going on in my head that I was entitled and deserved to have unconditional love from these people.

But it/life didn't happen the way I wanted/needed. I had relationships that lacked so much in the way of real love. Physical/mental abuse, starvation (I mean food), fighting a lunatic with an axe at 12, I won't go on, but I mean serious environmental problems.

As a child I read a lot, and when I grew up I thought I'd find my prince charming and life would be wonderful when I was an adult, cause I'd be in control.

In my relationships I saw love like, say for example, the numbers 1% to 100%. So if someone only gave 20% I'd go out of my way and give/provide the other missing 80% to make 100% perfect scenario. Do you see what I mean?

I was usally always the one giving way more than the other person, which was to try to make the relationship fit my illusion. I don't do that anymore. If someone gives 20%, I give 20%. If they give 50% I give 50%. And so on.  

This has been such a release for me, and also because the illusions just had to go eventually, and be replaced with truth. Whatever catastrophies I had to have along the way to learn this lesson were well worth it. I feel I have a much firmer grasp of reality in my relationships, and I'm on solid ground. I've got some really sound healthy happy relationships, not necessarily with those I first desired them to be with.

The ones I have with husband and parent are very measured. I don't have great expectations of them anymore, or place great demands on myself re them, or give too much of myself to them either. This leaves me free to have other more meaningful relationships, and I don't burn with resentment anymore. I think we are all much happier, my expectations drove everyone including myself up the wall. They just couldn't give what I wanted/needed.

Thanks for responding Pheonix.

Guest

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page