Managing Conflict No.4
Triangulation: talking about others when they are not present
When people get into conflicts with each other, one of the fine arts of conflict is to use triangulation to bring people to your side of the issue. The way this works is that when A and B have a conflict, B talks to C and tells C lots of negative things about A. The goal of this type of triangulation is to degrade the person not present. This kind of malicious gossip can occur very easily and spontaneously, you may not even realize what it has done until you analyze why you feel a certain way towards someone, or how you ever got such a wrong notion about someone. Malicious triangulation is very dysfunctional behavior and is one of the worse things that can happen in a community.
Malicious gossip and character assassination undermine relationships in a huge way. They poison peoples perspectives of each other, fill voids of understanding with misinformation and deceit, and create an atmosphere of distrust, disrespect and paranoia.
Now sometimes, to help your own understanding of people and their conflicts you need to get and share information about people who are not present. This is healthy and normal and there is an easy test to distinguish between what is healthy and helpful and what is unhealthy and destructive. It's the invisible person test. When the topic of someone who is not present comes up, imagine that the person of whom you are speaking or hearing about is standing behind you. If what you say, or hear would make that person angry, defensive, or unhappy you are engaged in an unhealthy triangulation.
When you find yourself in triangulation's about others, use the invisible person test and point it out to those present. If you go along with triangulation and character assassination, you become an accomplice to dysfunctional behavior that is very destructive to relationships. Relationships are the foundation of community.
If you don't care about the community dynamic involved here let me add something to catch your self interest: People who gossip to you, in turn, will gossip about you.
So if you want to create a place where you don't have to worry about what people are saying about YOU behind YOUR back, it is worth the personal investment to point out triangulation whenever it happens.
Dear Dandylife,
Thank you for posting all of the valuable Managing Conflict Articles here on board.
Ironically, my new topic thread was " Managing Conflict - Dealing with People who go Silent on You " In respect of an actual real life situation, here, personally, in my community, in a voluntary role interaction.
I had been trying to find an article, something, anything, for insight/help in my personal real life situation. And my friend emailed me an extract of an 'article' on the internet - which spoke so much commensense.
It was the same concept as all the Managing Conflict Articles you have just posted - for community interaction, one to another - or as I put it "for non n's with non n's" making it clear in a footnote that it was not for application in responding / dealing with an N person.
My starting my Managing Conflict thread was to share what small amount of information I had just gathered, with everyone here, as a topic of interest and a 'help' ........ with a hope that someone may have valuable info to add to the thread.
Now I can access and print your Managing Conflict articles - as I would like to put something together for my 'community group - women's outreach work' at our next meeting with a view to including it in our 'staff book' (we have limited funds).
Anyway, at the time of my starting my new topic thread posting here on the board "Managing Conflict" ............
I was totally unaware that a 'virtual' 'cyber' raging conflict of triangulation, was taking place here on board "behind the scenes" with members engaged in personal messaging - triangulation etc.
So my new topic thread "Managing Conflict" was wrongly perceived, by wrongful assumption, that I had formed an alliance with a member of the 'triangular conflict group'!!
My post was ripped apart - it was ignored that I was posting how to deal with conflict " non N person to non N person " all in all I felt humiliated - so I withdrew my topic, as was and is, my basic human right.
*** The opening paragraph of my Managing Conflict post was ... that we first step back and listen to ourselves, ask ourselves the question, may I have said something that was inconsiderate or caused hurt? Personal evaluation and growth is healthy.
Of course, behind the scenes - that must have been "a red flag to a bull" or a "mirror"
My motto in life is --- People who Gossip or malign other people, are only biding their time to do it to you --- "don't join the club"
Never been invited to a personal messaging circle or otherwise, in any case, I would decline the invitation.
Let Wisdom or Commonsense, basic instinct / discernment --- decide .... works for me personally.
Thank you again.
Sincere good wishes,
Leah x
PS. Wonderfully, my personal real life situation was managed and resolved next day, the lady apologized to me on the phone (which I posted on "Diamonds" thread) and complimented me also. Which was for me, a pearl amongst the pain endured here.
