admitting to a personal flaw in me

[reallyME]

Since part of being on this board, is that we be vulnerable about ourselves at times, I'd like to do this.

One of the things that absolutely can drive me up a wall, is hearing from what I call an adult-child, who is still talking/behaving childish. 

I flip flop from being angry at the adult to being angry at their parent, and going from wanting to "deal with" each one of them firmly. 

When I hear adults still being upset because their 80 somethin year old mother hollered at them cause they didn't come visit or whatever, I have to admit, my first reaction is to want to shake the person and then next, I feel like shaking the parent and telling them to leave that person the h*** alone! Real compassionate on my end, huh.  Sorry, just being honest here.

Sometimes, when I read things that people post, I want to scream "oh just GROW UP!"  My fuse is way too short with people and I admit it.  It's something God is really trying to weed out of my heart and habits.

When I read about someone telling someone else that they just have to have so much looooooooooooooove for their abuser, see them as people too, and that they need to just allow everyone their opinion...it just irks me.  It's not that I disagree with the precept, it is that actually reading or hearing someone say it, to me, makes me see that person as someone with no backbone, a wimp.

When I read my own comments here, I feel a bit narcissistic, but I honestly do struggle with looking down almost on people who are adults that never grew up.  I have often thought of just leaving the board, because I feel like I'm one of the very people some of you are triggered back to your abusive pasts by.  I'm sorry if that's the case.  I am working on it all.  I promise.

~Laura

[reallyME]

another example of something I struggle with, is, online when I'm on a chat forum and I see someone come into a chat room with a nic like "worthlessone4u" or "babygirlplsdntcry", I tend to have the response of rolling my eyes and thinking "oh brother, not another one" as a first reaction.  Then, as I get to talking with the person, I do my best to see them as a wounded person, a victim, and I end up showing some compassion toward them.  It's just really hard for me to sometimes get to a place of overlooking their screennames. 

This whole experience of my past, being stuck in situations with BPD and NPD adult-children, has really colored how I see things and what I want to avoid in my life.  I tend to really want to steer clear of people who wear their issues on their sleeves, in the case of vulnerable-looking nic names.  Even on this board there are some that evoke that response in me, and as I said, I'm doing my best to figure out why and to work through it.

I will tell you, I'd not be a good counselor to work with any issues which involve the adult talking in alter voices of children or even of dealing with childish habits in someone.  Right now I've been trying to help such a person with some issues, and I really have a struggle to keep my heart in check.

[gratitude28]

It is good that you can see this frustration and anger... and it is also understandable. But it is being intolerant (and I think all of us do this with others... and only those of us who want to be better will admit that we do...).

Thanks for bringing it up. I think I will have more to post on this later, but I have to run now.
Love, Beth

[teartracks]

RM.

Can you expand on this a little.  I think I've seen this in a person in my circle of people.  It befuddles me.  Can you share insights?

adult talking in alter voices of children

tt

PS  Dealing with my own flaws is far more distressing than dealing with those of others.  At least I can walk away from others who are 'demonstrating' but I have to live with my own.  Know what I mean?

[reallyME]

tt, what I meant by talking in alter voices, is in the case of someone with dissociative identity disorder.  Online they will come to you and say their name is baby Jane or whatever, and then proceed to talk in a sort of baby talk.  Now, I'm not real sure about how these people do in person, but neither do I have an interest in dealing with them, sorry.  It's hard enough online when someone you know is about 60 years old, types in the text "I'm gonna sit in da corna now and be good girl"  EVEN TYPING IT MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM!

[teartracks]

Gotcha.   I guess I'm thinking of a real life baby voiced person.

Thanks,
tt

[gratitude28]

Don't your Ns play this game? My mother loves to be cutesy and play dumb.

[seastorm]

ReallyMe....

I thinik it is refreshing to hear such a frank declaration of intolerance. Makes me feel like laughing. Sometimes people do behave in childish ways.  i guess when behaviour is authentic and someone is slipping into a vulnerable and childlike state then it is not irritating.
What I am saying is maybe your intuition is right on and the person sort of has a neurotic game going on.
On the other hand, not wanting to hear the pain of someone who is struggling is intolerance.
When I was teaching a fellow told me to not tolerate whining. Whining is irritating and manipulative. The person doing it is going nowhere really and just forces the listener to collude with them.
These are just a few thoughts on what you were saying.

Sea storm

[Lupita]

Dear Laura,
When you put a baby in a cage and dont let recieve the stimulation of the outside, the baby does not grow, if you cook a cake and dont put all the ingredients the cake will be a bad cake. When we grow up and we do not recieve what we need to gorw, we do not grow. People who were abused as children will be abused as adults. It takes a lot of work and support to get out of the pattern. It took me six years to leave my N hisband. I still have not gotten out of my mother hands. We leave thre thousand miles away, and still gets to my guts everything she says or does. I am trying to detach. It takes a lot of work. It is difficult to me to understand why so many women stay 20 or more years with an N husband. Women that left an N hasband after one year have difficulty understanding why I waited six years. It is a chain. You will understand little by little.
I told my son that he needed to have some savings for an emergency. He did not listen to me. He spent the little savings he had. Now he is suffering after his car accident. That si why I was mad. I told him. Now he knows that if he did not spent that money he would be less stressed out. One day you will have an experience that will help you understand the weakness. What made people weak and dependant on other's aproval.
You are a good honest person and eveybody loves you here.
Lupita

[reallyME]

I really am appreciating these comments you all are sharing.  I was vulnerable with you and I did not direct my comments toward any one person in particular, so I see that you are now banding together to help me see what a childlike person went through, feels and experiences.  Thank you so much for this, and, know that I AM reading every comment that you are making to me, and taking it to heart for sure.  I want to learn to be more tolerant and patient with people.  It is not my heart to be narcissistic toward anyone.

I know that I didn't used to be so intolerant of people who were stuck in a childlike state.  It came from being around N people, whom I once tried to emulate in my life.  If they didn't like certain things or people, then, in order to keep them happy or keep the relationships, I took on the same attitude.  The sad thing is, it then changed my neurotransmitters to be the same way and have that view as well.  Once a habit is formed over time, it is very tough to break it...though, not impossible.  For me, considering the other side of things helps ALOT!

So, thank you all for being patient and tolerant of me, even though I'm admitting to you that I struggle with the very attitudes that caused you so much pain in your lives.  I'm not proud of it and am trying, with my mentor's and God's help, to overcome it.

~Laura

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((Laura))))))))))))))))

I admire you.

Hops

[debkor]

Laura,

I like the way you speak.  You are plain, clear and honest.  I really value your opinions even if we don't always share the same ones.  I always get something out of what you say.  I always learn from every post.  So you say attitude?  I don't know if I would say that. I would say your point of view.  Sometimes people take a strong point of view as attitude.  I don't get that from you.
P.S.  You are also very smart.
Love
Deb

[constant work]

Interesting to read through these.  My first time looking at the site.  At 42 (male), I've struggled a long time with having both N parents.  It took me years in therapy to even realize it.  I related to one of the above mentions of an N babytalker.  My mother tries to do that to be cute and get me to let my guard down.  It used to... then she would zing with some controlling ploy.  She also tries to pit me against my brothers so she can be the "center" of whatever goes on.  A couple years ago I finally told her not to call me.  She can email (in which case there is documentation of her games) but I'm not going to get a call out of the blue when I'm not prepared.  She always had a lot of great names for me whenever I protested something she'd done:  clean-freak, oversensitive, mean.  Once when I confronted her honestly about something, she later called my brothers to tell them  I was suicidal (which I wasn't and have never been) because otherwise, why would I be so mean??  I even got some emails from one of her friends saying she was there for me to listen to if I needed it...  I didn't figure out 'till later that it was because of the "suicide watch" sent out.    My life has been MUCH better since I was able to create the don't call me boundary, even if I still get angst over it....  anyway...  interesting to have a chat line like this.