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grrrrr

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cj:
1. This may be strange, but I'm not sure I've even known anger. Or I can't recal knowing it, because I have blocked it out I think. Didn't want to acknowledge it in myself (i.e. because its 'bad'). Theory of course. And I am very scared, always have been.

2. Ticks box. Reading the most innocent of comments as an insult, or forerunner of potential harm.

3. Yep, put up with shit treatment all the time, not even aware I've been doing it half the time. Its like I don't know when I'm being mistreated. The boundries don't exist for me.

4. ticks box.

5. Yep. I can be a cold emotionally constipated person. Even though I don't want to be. Or feel somehow it is wrong.

6. Ticks box. Although any addiction on my part would be too much for my poor fragile parents to bear *sob*.

7. Yep, crap at everything.

8. Undecided.

9. Unsure.

10. Ticks Box.

Phew indeed.

cj:
I know what you mean Sally, about how you might react after wards, and anger. I feel like ive been brainwashed in a way. I've always been the most placid of people, and not for the good of course, in retrospect. Whenever anger did come out, it came out in confusion (usually in arguments with my mother) and I never really 'felt' it, it was so...just couldn't hold it anymore, but it rarelly happened, and never felt justified (although I used to curse out loud in my sleep of and on).

Of course half of me is saying about all of this 'Don't be so stupid' and can't accept. *ahem*

The yardstick though is the very fact at the age of thirty, I can't say what I feel about my parents. I can't stand back and say what I feel, as a a person, like what do 'I' feel ( not 'think'  :wink: ), and sometimes when I remember that fact, its all I need for confirmation!!!!

clj_writes:
cj wrote:  
"Although any addiction on my part would be too much for my poor fragile parents to bear *sob*. "

This resonates with me.  In the early 90's when I was in therapy I told my parents I was getting help for an eating disorder and it was like I hadn't said anything.  They could ignore it because although I was binging, I was still thin (an unusual combination but I'm from skinny stock).  It was like the behavior (and I!) did not exist.  They only saw what they could handle.  The fragility is what has had me "hooked" all these years; especially with my mother and her painful childhood.  ARRGGHH.  I am frustrated again that I'm treating myself like they treated me--either defective or invisible or pretend perfect.  What a vile taste this leaves in my mouth!

cj:
Yup, its hard to differentiate, or blame wholeheartedly sometimes, although my parents not accepting anything was wrong initially (with them!) can be blamed!
Its like when my mother found out i was taking drugs when i was a teenager. She found out (or got me to tell her!) by making up some bullshit story that someone had told her (she could tell, because I spent all next day in bed on sundays, well... I mean she 'knows me outside in' y'know, so no surprise, really (sarcasm!) anyway.....Firstly, due to not being too intelligent and/or ignorant, she assumed I was a heroin addict or something, and 'how are you going to pay for such a habit'? *DUH*
And secondly, and this is the frustarting thing in retrospect 'whats this going to do to your grandad when he finds out???'
GRRR. Makes me wanna ****ing scream.
Ok, thats maybe an exceptional, and not very good example, all parents worry about kids taking drugs.
I do recal one time however when I first experienced depersonalisation. The doctor had told me it was depression, (which it was, but never told me about depersonalisation), so when experiencing depersonalisation for the following *two weeks!!!!!*, I began to think I was going ****ing mad. I was pacing around the house in panic, trying to get the doctor on the phone. And my mother just ***Ing sat there, calmly, like nothing was wrong all the time. Not to mention the fact it ANNOYED her, when I acted confused/introspective and like something was on my mind.



--- Quote from: clj_writes ---cj wrote:  
"Although any addiction on my part would be too much for my poor fragile parents to bear *sob*. "

quote]
--- End quote ---

clj_writes:
cj,
It seems a healthy parental response to a child taking drugs would be to get the child help as clearly something was "up"!  These bizarre responses (oh, that's expensive and oh, what about grandpa) are crazymaking and make you doubt what is and isn't real and/or appropriate!  Likewise the depersonalization lacked both empathy and mirroring of your experience.

Hmm, I'm in touch with that elusive anger now!

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