Panic- mine or yours?

[WRITE]

I did not sleep last night, it was like on overdrive and not just a bipolar thing. I did get the apartment cleaned up a lot...but I am a bit rambling today.

Part of it is my son, I am worried about him of course, though he seems much better for a few days off recovering from strep throat & we're seeing the psychologist in the morning.
He apologised earlier, said he's sorry for being so moody.
He's off all week next week for spring break, he's doing an animal camp three of the days.

Then there's this guy I like.
Isn't it interesting how a romantic encounter can completely unbalance emotions...

He stopped me after church on Sunday, said he needed to talk to me, I was being very negative.

Now since I have carried out tons of church work and tried to help him with his work issues ( which he argued with me and I said, well these are the things I'd address--- and left it at that ) I guessed it was personal and asked him and he said yes, I am negative to him personally. I haven't been except I am tired of him engaging me on a personal level then backing off so I backed off, and just got on with my own life.
Even despite my problems with ex and son I've been bouncing around happily working through them, so I don't know why he says I am negative.

But for a few hours I felt somewhat panic....like I should 'fix' something.
It's a legacy I suppose- I am still 'fixing' ex and probably always will be until son is grown enough, and I am genuinely fond of this guy who is very brilliant but clueless in terms of managing people.

I don't like working with him at all and if it were not church and I weren't good at difficult people I would leave him to that altogether.

But what hit me when I just awoke froma  little power nap is how much it is my responsibility not to react to other people's emotions. I got in a panic because of what I thought not because of what he said...he is just wanting far more from me than is healthy in a reciprocal relationship for me and it's my choice what to respond to.

Strange how I go on 'automatic response' though as soon as it's a romantic situation.

Guess there's still a lot of learning curve in this for me as yet.

He and I are going for dinner tomorrow night to talk away from work/ church. I am really paying attention not only to what he says to me- but also to my responses and emotional inferences.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am not responsible for other people's pain or for sorting out their problems...it's hard when that's a part of what you do for a living too!!!

[teartracks]

WRITE,

I read your post.  I'm so out of the loop of what you're dealing with.  It would not be kind of me to offer unadvised advice.  BUT, I think it's OK for me to say, Write, I'm rootin for you and your son.  I'll follow your thread and if at some point I think I can be of further help, I'll get in.

God bless,

tt

[dandylife]

Write,
It seems like you are experiencing a load of ambiguousness with this person. What it's due to, I haven't a clue. Shyness? Vulnerability? Confusion?

I learned after a recent extremely ambiguous relationship that asking the 'hard-to-ask' questions needs to be done, otherwise you could be in for a voyage that lasts a long time consisting of a lot of heartache, wondering, hoping, wishing for change, etc.

What I would have changed for myself, looking back (this is a relationship I had with a man during my separation) I would have asked ALL the hard questions. My situation is probably much different than yours - this guy seems benign enough - you haven't expressed concern, just question marks. Anyway, I would be sure to ask. Like, "What kind of relationship are you looking for?" "Are you a monogamous person?" "Do you think you need to spend all the time with the person in your life?" "What are your ambitions over the next 6 months - what are you working towards?" etc. etc. You know what you need to know. Just ask. Usually people are a little taken aback, but then relieved to have it out in the open.

It almost seems shameful if we aren't able to put something out in the open, right? Not that it is, it just seems that way.

Dandylife

[reallyME]

WRITE:  I might have mis-read what you posted, but didn't you say that this man pulls you close and then pushes you away again?  Sounds like borderline behavior to me, maybe?  If so, why are you going to dinner with him?

I can remember with someone in my life, after I discovered some things about them, I would sort of force myself to talk to them, to learn how they reacted to what I said...in other words, the original cat n mouse game, where this person was the cat, flipped around, and I became the cat and they become the mouse.

Is this maybe what is going on for you too, WRITE?

~Laura

[WRITE]

Thanks for your comments TT/Dl/RM/Bean

If I am going to learn how to do romantic relationships well I think this is a phase I have to go through- looking at how and why I am attracted to certain men and what is going on with me emotionally at each point.

I can run from all my attractions, yes, but now I'm well I want to have relationships again and this time pay more attention to what's going on!

Last night's dinner was eye-opening. The guy is really confused/confusing, after all these weeks of ambivalent behaviour he said he doesn't want a romance. I didn't feel anything like rejection or disappointment- after all as y'all point out it's already not looking promising on that front- but I did wonder what went on as to this guy engaging me on that level for weeks and me not calling him on it sooner. The dinner came about as I withdrew from talking to him on a personal level and he sought me out.

I did call him on some of his work behaviours, not sure we can have any resolution for now, he says he's working on the things I said and others have pointed them out too.

I don't know about cat and mouse RM; we were both very respectful and kind to each other. We both clearly have issues with boundaries- both under and over- setting them. And I do the same thing- pull people close and push them away when it gets painful.

His early background is similar to mine and I think that's where the friendship connection comes in- I don't think anyone really understands the trauma inflicted by almost pre-memory abuse and neglect except people who have been through that. If I had to guess we will remain colleagues and probably become friends but the romance side is no go because we're at different places in our development. He is really hurt by his romantic past, I am much closer to healing with mine.

It almost seems shameful if we aren't able to put something out in the open, right? Not that it is, it just seems that way.

well we can be direct- and I often try to; I'm quite brave sometimes. But it doesn't mean people can or will respond directly or that we will necessarily receive what they say.

The interesting thing for me rigth now is how I am so much more able to be in the moment and caring about someone else without it being destructive to my own self-esteem or self-image. How he sees me doesn't affect how I see me, even though I am listening to his feedback and filtering it for anything he is right about that I can work on. That feels like progress.

Tonight I'm working out with the guy from last year, the one I had a crush on and when we didn't get together I did feel hurt and rejected- even though looking back it was me pushing him away...he's very sweet and I have to say that's another big admission, there isn't the level of sexual attraction as with the other more difficult ( abusive? ) guy.

Now how do we 'reset' our attraction? Albert Ellis called it something like 'masturbatory hypothesis' if I recall and said it was letting go of one set of assumptions and preferences and rebuilding another.

The other big difference with this attraction ( and last years ) is I ahven't acted upon them, haven't been tempted to be intimate or initiate sex. i think I have learned to manage that other part of being bipolar.

***

Re. my son, psychology visit went well. Interestingly ex told me he thought it was a waste of time, and hasn't been that curious about it.

My biggest concern there is that ex had this subconscious vested interest in me being mentally unwell for years...and now he can't engage me with that I do not want it happening with my son.

I had coffee with a friend I haven't seen for ages this week, she mentioned a conversation she had with ex when i was very ill and said she felt on some level he liked me being helpless; I have to make sure my son isn't helpless.

With N it's like always needing another person to feed off of, isn't it.

[Hopalong]

With N it's like always needing another person to feed off of, isn't it.

Absobloominlutely, Write. Attention is oxygen.

I am wondering whether you are still feeling your way into a new relationship with yourself as a single person.

I remarried within two years of my divorce, and no matter how ready I told myself I was, I wasn't.
But you sound as though you're being very thoughtful and intentional...that's good.

Keep aware. Enjoy your own fine company, too.

hugs,
Hops

[WRITE]

I am wondering whether you are still feeling your way into a new relationship with yourself as a single person.

I remarried within two years of my divorce, and no matter how ready I told myself I was, I wasn't.

I don't think there will be any remarrying goingon!
But I have been alone a lot longer than my three years of separation really- most of my married years were a wasteland. That's why I am working on this- I know that I have become too lonely in some ways.

But I enjoy life yes.

Can you believe I have a watercolour painting injury today. I was up at six to paint a picture of Mont Blanc, my nephew was there and raving about the beauty he inspired me. I worked so intensely I cricked my neck!!!

***

Have you had any more thoughts on dating yourself Hops? I recall you were thinking about it a while back.

***

Had lunch with ex to talk about son, he launched into an attack on me pretty fast so I backed right off and didn't mention anything else only chit chat or listen to him. At the end he said, 'I guess I have to work on my behaviour'...I bit back a sarcastic 'no, really!' and we'll see. My expectations are not high with anything involving self-sacrifice or personal growth with him, but if anything could motivate him it would be our son I guess...

[Hopalong]

Ohh, painting's wonderful Write.
You are so creative...music AND art.
If you ever scan one, hope you'll post it.

I'm really sorry your ex took a bite recently. At least that's a validation, not that you needed it. And being who he is, there will come some time when he's not there emotionally for your son. Or even mean. But your son has your love and patience and I think that will carry him through. I know men with perfectly normal father who have

I have thought some about dating. My issue is literally having (making) the time and energy for it. But having my portrait taken by a photographer did help. I also have the impulse, if I use the photo for a profile, to be absolutely unapolagetic about ANYTHING related to appearance. I will not apologize for an extra 15 pounds, for having white hair...none of it. Not one word.

While I haven't ventured out yet, for me that's good news. It's just been a year and a half since my last Nbf, and that really was a sign to hit the Pause button. I'm still hopeful I might find a life partner, but less concerned about it than I've ever been. So when I do find time (heck, right now I'd rather post here than email strangers) -- I think I'll make it fun, instead of the emotional Olympics.

That's new ground for me. If he's way intense, that would be something I don't want right now. An easy, humorous, considerate time? Green flag!

All conjecture at this point, and with work and Mom I feel a bit too overwhelmed. My job is 40 usually nonstop hours a week, often a few more, the commute's a half hour, taking care of dog and Mom another 45 min to an hour, and several hours a week for church involvement...not much left over.

Still, I feel the stirrings of spring. 

Hops

[WRITE]

I will not apologize for an extra 15 pounds, for having white hair...none of it. Not one word.

it's good getting older isn't it; I hardly care what others think about my appearance. If I look good it's for me.

I'm sure you are beautiful inside and out!

And it's a subtle test in a way, I don't really want a partner who only is attracted to his image of perfection 24/7...

I think I'll make it fun, instead of the emotional Olympics.

yes, that gets easier with time healing stuff too.

But it's interesting how easily we slip back into patterns; I don't want to live hyper-vigilent but I also don't want to end up takign care of another emotionally-draining person.

An easy, humorous, considerate time? Green flag!

That's what I am aiming for tonight- steer clear of big topics and anything problem-related or heavy. Just have fun with this sweet guy who I've enjoyed hanging out with before. We're going to work out for a bit then get ready and go to a bookshop for coffee and conversation.

I do tend to be too intense, I think your words are a warning to work on that!

How is your job going?

I feel the stirrings of spring. 

I hear you...

Did I tell you about my married frind who got sick and had to live without sex for ----three weeks?!!!
She said 'oh, how do people manage...'
'I have absolutely no idea' I replied in a sort-of sharp voice....