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write:
I am totally overwhelmed right now with the practicalities of separation.
Has anyone found a functional framework for this?
My h seems to agree to things then go away and think up new problems, and his constant catastrophizing and periodic attacks are making me sick- physically sick, with high blood pressure.

We have several weeks before I can actually move out too, so we are seeing each other every day.

I keep trying to be positive, but there are moments I think why did I even start trying to do this?

He's in therapy, but has such a long way to go, its not helping right now.

Someone tell me its going to be ok...

rosencrantz:
It's gonna be OK!!!!!

You know what a fish does when it's caught on a hook - that's what he's doing - anything and everythng to get back in the water.  He WANTS you to think it wasn't worth starting all this.  But just think how awful to have to start right back at the beginning again.  No, no, no!!!!!

Think addiction, think one day at a time, one hour at a time.

Don't even LISTEN to him.  Just stand there and switch off.  Indifference is the key.  What he says is NOT important.

Body language - turn away, be sideways on, look anywhere but in his eyes.  Don't let your body communicate interest and it will deflect the worst of it.

Hold on tight.  

I've just been feeling sorry for myself in another thread - it comes and goes!  But you've just got me back on my mettle.

Never give in!!!

Hugs
R

rosencrantz:
I wanted to get a quick post off to you (above) in case you were still around - and, here, a few more measured thoughts to share.


--- Quote ---My h seems to agree to things then go away and think up new problems, and his constant catastrophizing and periodic attacks are making me sick- physically sick, with high blood pressure
--- End quote ---


My mother does that all the time. And that's how I feel, too.  Right now I've reached a point where I can glide along on the top of the water while she's down below somewhere frothing/flapping around like that fish.

S/he needs to do all that cos it's their way of trying to stay in control.  Chaos and confusion.  They need it.  We don't. So let them have their confusion, don't fight it - but you just go ahead and organise things the way you want.  It might take longer.  It won't be clear-cut or efficient.  You'll always be in the wrong and 'got it wrong' - but who said you had to create perfect solutions??!  

Bloody miracle if you can create half-perfect with all that nonsense going on.  Have faith in yourself, cos that's all that matters - if you believe in yourself you won't give a toss what he thinks (or what anybody else thinks).

I no longer expect anything to go right or be sorted out smoothly, and I expect everything to take six months longer than expected, and for other people to get involved in a way that makes me feel guilty.  Tough, eh!  But WE know that our mental and emotional health hinges on what WE do and not what THEY think!!

Keep going!
R

Anonymous:
who said you had to create perfect solutions??!

Bloody miracle if you can create half-perfect with all that nonsense going on. Have faith in yourself, cos that's all that matters - if you believe in yourself you won't give a toss what he thinks (or what anybody else thinks).


Thanks R, I know you're right. I'm a terrible perfectionist where my family is concerned.

I've been really assertive and we've both come up with creative solutions to the practicalities- he says its when his emotions kick in he gets angry and says a lot of stuff he doesn't mean.

I think I've got it through that I need to get my blood pressure down, but I do have somewhere else to stay lined up if he can't control himself.

This believing in yourself is hard, some days I am so confident and feel brilliant about my decisions, another day I want to crawl and hide; I posted about that before and people think its pretty normal.

I think I missed out on some of my development about being happy too- I often get really anxious when I'm happy, waiting for someone to come and spoil it.

I'll go look at your other thread now.

Wildflower:
Hi write,


--- Quote ---I think I've got it through that I need to get my blood pressure down, but I do have somewhere else to stay lined up if he can't control himself.
--- End quote ---


A week ago, my health was under attack as I tried to deal (perfectly) with a crisis in my mother's life.  Well, it was a crisis in the sense that I believed her life was on the line, but for the past year, it's just been a series of crises.  One day, I got an email from either my mother or my relative, I can't remember which, and my chest tightened up before I even read it.  "Oh, no.  Something else has happened," I thought.  "I'm going to have to deal with this immediately!!  What if I cant?!?!?!"  Panic.  And then, on the verge of tears in the bathroom at my office, it hit me.  This wasn't a crisis.  This was a long, slow, drawn out process of my mother's collapse.  I had to breathe.  Calm down.  Step away.  Get work done.  Wait until I got home to read the email.  This isn't going to end any time soon, and I can't disrupt my life every time a new development occurs.

What I'm trying to say is, maybe you could take up that offer for a place to stay - at least for a week - to get your blood pressure down.  Take care of yourself, because you can't count on him to do that for you.  Otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation, right?

My two cents, anyway

Wildflower

P.S. - Hope this doesn't come across too cold or strong.  I'm in this weird place where I can't really find words, but I felt like I needed to respond to this.

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