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Wildflower:
Hi write,

Just another thought about your last post.  Until just a couple of months ago, I thought of myself as a person who was determined to go my own way and figure everything out, and get it right!!  Sheesh.  And, well, most others thought this about me, too.  My therapist tries to tell me that this drive is a good quality in many ways, which is true, but something in me continued to balk at this characterization, partly because it causes a lot of stress in my life.  When I started to re-examine this aspect of my personality, I realized that I didn't have a choice but to be driven.  I couldn't count on anyone to help me - I had to figure everything out for myself (perhaps you can imagine how hard it is for me to ask for help :roll: ).  I simply wouldn't have made it very far if I hadn't learned to take on more responsibility than I could handle.  So now I'm trying to listen to myself, and to figure out when I'm driven by my own passions, and when I'm driven by fear.


--- Quote ---I'm a terrible perfectionist where my family is concerned.
--- End quote ---


What caught my eye about this phrase was the word 'terrible'.  It seems like something you don't like about yourself, but I wonder how much of this perfectionism is YOU, and how much was forced on you by your family.

Just a thought.

Wildflower

kelly8893:
Things do get better, But I will be honest I had 8 years of back and forth with my ex-N and it was awful. I never knew from one day to the next want kind of things he would come up with next. After leaving him and being on my own I have different ups and downs but I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. After 8 years with him any kind of change is better than being with him!!!!!

I have struggled with emotions, his and mine for so long that is nice just to struggle with mine. I have good days and bad ones too but I love this new life of change and renewel. I have never been one for change but after all those years with him, ( me feeling lost and alone), just being me and having no one tell me that "I am  wrong" is wonderful.  Life gets better the more time you are away from them. This I know! Have a great Day!

Anonymous:
Thanks Wildflower and Kelly, I'll take on board your advice.

In some ways I feel lucky that my h has got the guts to go through therapy, since we have to parent together ad infinitum, and he tries very hard believe me, but there's such a gap in his psyche and he keeps dropping back into what Patricia Evans called 'Reality one' too.

( I've noticed that about most men I ever meet- the sexism, the entitlement etc. Makes me wonder if I'll ever have a relationship with a man on the same level I do with women )


What caught my eye about this phrase was the word 'terrible'. It seems like something you don't like about yourself, but I wonder how much of this perfectionism is YOU, and how much was forced on you by your family.


my h has this trait too, and we've both had to adjust our expectations. It does drive you to be successful and caring and capable- but it's terrible because it can be a 'never good enough' scenario, and accompanied by high anxiety and stress, and not enjoying life, working too hard at it.

It was forced on me to be 'good' as a child, and on n h to be 'clever'. Neither of us were allowed to just 'be' as children.
In fact, forty years ago, many children in Britain weren't allowed to find their own level, there was this belief that they would be 'spoiled' if they were 'allowed to get away with things', a throwback from the days of working as servants or in factories, and accepting your lot in life.

Strangely its my health which has finally made me change our circumstances, its like my body just won't tolerate it any more.

I do travel a lot, and have regular opportunities to de-stress, but as I get older it's not enough, nor is the demanding loneliness of a non-reciprocal intimate relationship.

write:
that was me, write

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