Author Topic: Am I a crap daughter  (Read 3899 times)

Bones

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Re: Am I a crap daughter
« Reply #15 on: March 13, 2007, 05:47:23 PM »
To Spy:

Tell your N-mom, in response to her threat of "If you don't do what I DEMAND, then our relationship is over!" --- "N-mom, that is the BEST thing you can do for me!  It has NOT been nice knowing you!"   :P

Bones

JayBailey

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Re: Am I a crap daughter
« Reply #16 on: March 18, 2007, 05:45:57 PM »
No, Spyralle, you are NOT a crap daughter...though I recognise a lot of the stuff on your list of why she likes to make you think you are - I've heard many of those!  (Actually all of your mothers sound so familiar.  Are we all sisters on the quiet? :lol:)

Re the 'our relationship is over if I can't come live with you' thing...I'm afraid I would be sorely tempted to say 'OK then.  Your loss.  'Bye.' 

I sometimes think it would be easier, horrible though this sounds, if my mother had once and for all decided she couldn't stand me and fully disowned me.  The reason she hasn't, is that it would be admitting defeat in her thirty-odd-year campaign to make me over in her image.  She can't accept that that will never happen, so she has to keep me around just in case one day her words sink in and I suddenly turn into 1940s Prude.  Shudder.  (Trouble is, cutting myself off from her would mean also cutting myself off from the rest of my family, most of whom I actually like and get on with.  Tricky.  At least they're on my side, if you know what I mean.)

(Is it any measure of my guilt that I feel bad saying this when she's at the moment, in a 'good' phase, i.e. not causing trouble?  I'm holding my breath.)

Your mother is the one with the unacceptable behavior.  It's not 'good' for daughters to have to jump through burning hoops for mothers who don't appreciate them, much as they would like us to.  She will never accept that your life is your life - not hers to do with as she will - so it's up to you to do what's right for you.  You deserve happiness, and you know you're not going to be happy with her breathing down your neck.

Healing&Hopeful

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Re: Am I a crap daughter
« Reply #17 on: March 19, 2007, 07:41:52 AM »
Hi Spyralle.....

No no no no no no no no no, you are so not a crap daughter.....

You are someone who had a crap mother!  Her responsibility, not yours and when you have a crap mother, you have to look after yourself, to look after your own sanity.  That does not make you a crap daughter, however I can understand why you feel like you are.

If your relationship is over if she doesn't come to live with you, then that is her choice.....

I have a similiar situation with my bio dad.... He will go around saying to anyone who will listen how I have disowned him!!!  What a terrible daughter I am.....  And you know what the truth is:-

I asked him when he was willing to apologise and give, I would be prepared to listen - no response from him
I asked him what he was prepared to do to rectify the situation between us - no response from him

So how is that me disowning him?  To me, this is just him not giving a flying f**k about me, and if that's the way he wants it, then so be it!  Does that make me a crap daughter?  Or someone who won't be manipulated into having a father/daughter relationship that is totally one sided and suits him?

You take care hon.... you know in your heart you're doing the right thing.....

Love H&H xxx

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To make u happy if you're sad
To let u know, life ain't so bad
Now I've given a hug to u
Somehow, I feel better too!
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So pass one on & show u care

daylily guest

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Re: Am I a crap daughter
« Reply #18 on: March 19, 2007, 08:12:44 AM »
Spyralle:

I haven't read the rest of this thread, only your initial post, so please pardon me if I'm repeating a lot of what other people have said.

My mother and I had exactly this argument for years.  It was very difficult.  I knew that she would never get along with my husband, and that the stress of having her in my home, day in and day out, would drive me over the edge.  I offered again and again to help her find an apartment, but she always turned me down.

After a great deal of thought (and therapy, too), I came to the conclusion that while I had a responsibility to make sure that my mother was OK--in terms of money, medical care, etc.--I did not have a responsibility to make sure that she was happy.  Her happiness was her own problem, just as everyone's is.  And though she saw it differently, I knew that I had to stick by that conclusion, because it was right.

When it looked like she could recover from her brain injury, I did decide that she should come and live with us.  She could not live by herself, even in an apartment, and I wanted her to have the security of living with her family.  I deeply regret that I never got to do that; her condition deteriorated and she died last June.  But I know that I made the decision to take her in out of love and from a place of freedom, not out of her having strong-armed me into it.  All the difference in the world.

You are NOT a "crap daughter."  Your mother is trying to give you a burden that is not yours to carry.  Whether she ever realizes it or not--and of course the odds are against it--you have a duty to yourself to realize it and live it.  She cannot take your freedom from you in the name of her own security.  Life doesn't work that way.

You're willing to have her nearby, which wouldn't be easy, I imagine.  That's a lot.  The fact that she can't see that and choose to be happy is her problem, not yours.  Please, please keep reminding yourself of that.  You have offered to make room in your life for her.  If the opening isn't exactly wide enough to suit her, she has only herself to blame.

Again, please forgive what is probably a very repetitive post.  Time doesn't allow me to read through the thread right now, but I wanted to reply to your initial post.  I've been there, and it's not easy.  You're a very good daughter, Spyralle, and I hope you will allow yourself to feel that.

All my best,
daylily

spyralle

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Re: Am I a crap daughter
« Reply #19 on: March 20, 2007, 04:41:36 AM »
Thanks so much guys.. xxx

I really struggle with this.  I didn't ring her on mothers day and now I am feeling guilty about that, but I just couldn't go through that conversation again.  Instead I have written her a letter explaining that for the first time in my life I want my own space..  Interestingly enough I haven't posted it yet...  Sometimes the silence and the not knowing is easier...

Spyralle x