I was always too involved in my own terror and 'her' PR to hate.
My mother is a nice person, very loving and kind who did everything for me and well, spoilt me, really. Anything I wanted to do I could do.
Pardon? Who said that? How do I reconcile that with what I feel?
Oh, I see. Bad girl. Naughty girl. (Gosh, there's the dog she always tells me I treat her like!! I'd treat a dog better than I treat her)
Look at all the terrible things I do to her. She lies on the floor howling like a dog - and it's all because of me. I left, I don't come back, I once called her a cow.
Oh no, what a terrible thing I did. I feel so ashamed. I called my mother a terrible name.
Hold on a minute - my cousin said her mother was a spiteful cow, too.
Spiteful? I said she was a cow because she was being spiteful to me. It's taken 30 years to work that one out - but that's because I've been a rock of silence over the years so no-one will know my shame.
Bugger - it's HER shame, not mine. Shame on her for the spite and..oh well, I'm still trying to work out the rest of it. Oh yes, the Community Psychiatric Nurse gave me the word 'manipulative' when my mother flounced off to hospital in a hissy fit, threatening suicide because we had agreed to a few days off for me and she wanted to change the goal posts again.
My mother always said that it was me always flouncing off. Did I really? Turning my back on someone attacking my spirit and soul - you bet, I hope I did!! I never threatened or manipulated. I spent my time 'telling the truth', struggling to always get better at being honest and telling the truth - otherwise I'd go mad trying to fit in place all her crazy twists and turns.
No, I never had time or energy to hate her. She kept me too busy for that.
I've been afraid I'll turn out like her. Not any more.
I feel impatient and irritated and terrified. I 'flare up' easily in her presence. I get confused easily in her presence.
If you saw what you saw, then you've got a head start on me

I just wasn't knowing enough or smart enough or objective enough to see her for what she was - but, as a child, I only ever saw her in relation to me (we didn't mix with other people) and as we were totally enmeshed, I didn't have enough distance to get a good view.
But after that I was too busy coping with 'life' to care much. I guess I had my own life, my own interests, my own future-related anxieties. Yes, I was orientated in a different direction so it no longer had any meaning for me. When she didn't bother me, she didn't exist and I was totally indifferent to her. I just didn't realise at the time that it's a healthy way of dealing with manipulation and tantrums. When pressed, I just felt guilty (and crazy!).
I still don't see her as selfish - but I've banged my head against a brick wall a few times trying to get her to take a more rational view - I love my husband to bits for being the most rational man in the universe!!!!!
R