Do you hate your Nparent?

[Anastasia]

I have always wanted to ask this, but, for some reason, never did.  So, here goes:  did anyone out there see their Nparent as the immature, selfish, uncaring/unnurturing person they were?
And did you grow to disrespect them (not that as a child you weren't baffled by their unmotherly/unfatherly behavior)?
Did you see thru them when you felt others didn't and wonder if you were right in your assessment?
Did you grow to hate them with each passing year, and each cruel disregard for you and your feelings made you hate them even more?
Did you make every effort to not be anything like them?

[surf14]

Hi Anastasia;
 Yes to all of the above.  But with limited contact which minimizes interaction, and therefore abusive unacceptable exchanges, sometimes I can return to having some compassion and  some sense of love for my mother.  More contact though equals more anger and furiousness.   GRrrrrr   Surf    

[rosencrantz]

I was always too involved in my own terror and 'her' PR to hate.

My mother is a nice person, very loving and kind who did everything for me and well, spoilt me, really.  Anything I wanted to do I could do.

Pardon?  Who said that?  How do I reconcile that with what I feel?  

Oh, I see.  Bad girl.  Naughty girl.  (Gosh, there's the dog she always tells me I treat her like!!  I'd treat a dog better than I treat her)

Look at all the terrible things I do to her.  She lies on the floor howling like a dog - and it's all because of me.  I left, I don't come back, I once called her a cow.

Oh no, what a terrible thing I did.  I feel so ashamed.  I called my mother a terrible name.

Hold on a minute - my cousin said her mother was a spiteful cow, too.

Spiteful?  I said she was a cow because she was being spiteful to me.  It's taken 30 years to work that one out - but that's because I've been a rock of silence over the years so no-one will know my shame.

Bugger - it's HER shame, not mine.  Shame on her for the spite and..oh well, I'm still trying to work out the rest of it.  Oh yes, the Community Psychiatric Nurse gave me the word 'manipulative' when my mother flounced off to hospital in a hissy fit, threatening suicide because we had agreed to a few days off for me and she wanted to change the goal posts again.

My mother always said that it was me always flouncing off.  Did I really?  Turning my back on someone attacking my spirit and soul - you bet, I hope I did!!  I never threatened or manipulated.  I spent my time 'telling the truth', struggling to always get better at being honest and telling the truth - otherwise I'd go mad trying to fit in place all her crazy twists and turns.

No, I never had time or energy to hate her.   She kept me too busy for that.  

I've been afraid I'll turn out like her.  Not any more.

I feel impatient and irritated and terrified.  I 'flare up' easily in her presence.  I get confused easily in her presence.  

If you saw what you saw, then you've got a head start on me    I just wasn't knowing enough or smart enough or objective enough to see her for what she was - but, as a child, I only ever saw her in relation to me (we didn't mix with other people) and as we were totally enmeshed, I didn't have enough distance to get a good view.

But after that I was too busy coping with 'life' to care much.  I guess I had my own life, my own interests, my own future-related anxieties.  Yes, I was orientated in a different direction so it no longer had any meaning for me.  When she didn't bother me, she didn't exist and I was totally indifferent to her.  I just didn't realise at the time that it's a healthy way of dealing with manipulation and tantrums.  When pressed, I just felt guilty (and crazy!).

I still don't see her as selfish - but I've banged my head against a brick wall a few times trying to get her to take a more rational view - I  love my husband to bits for being the most rational man in the universe!!!!!  

R

[Anastasia]

Since I know the Meyers-Briggs exam very well (having spent all my free time compulsively studying it for two years awhile ago) and the Enneagram very well, I am convinced that--if you didn't "see" thru craziness years ago or it is a little harder for you than for others--it has nothing to do with intelligence.  I really think we are born with a specific brain-type/pattern and some of us are more left/thinking dominant than others who are more right/feeling side dominant.
My point is:  "seeing" thru craziness has nothing to do with intelligence (of the i.q. variety).
Some people are just more perceptive or--due to a variety of things--better able to separate and look at a situation objectively.
Luckily, I was one of those people and by about 11-13 my family members were saying how I was NOT like my Nmother.  Boy!  That was heavenly to hear then.
But I am really curious as to how others here feel about their Nparent.
And did want to put my humble opinion in on i.q. and the ability to "see" what is really happening.  On with the show...this was just a minor interruption.  Back to the question!

[seeker]

Dear A,

I did and still do love my parents which makes everything pretty confusing.  I think outsiders saw one of my parents very clearly, much more clearly than any of us on the inside.  Sort of a cult.  

I had one of the same teachers as an N sibling. The teacher made a point of telling my parents that I was nothing like the first one!    I don't know how they took that.  N had major issues with authority, but was the family favorite.

I unconsciously made an effort to make sure others were feeling OK.  I don't know if this is to contrast myself with family members or because of the "training" I received.  

I still respect them because there are qualities to respect although they can be quite emotionally blind.  This has been incredibly frustrating over the years, esp. in young adulthood vs. childhood when I was oblivious/isolated within the cult and made to feel it was my defect to have and to hold.  They did/do care about me and wanted me to be happy even if they didn't know how to manage the emotional health of their children.  

Interesting questions!  Take care, Seeker

[Discounted Girl]

I don't know if hate is the right word for what I feel for the NQueenmother. I do feel a little sorry for her in that I know she missed out on the joys of a loving parent/child relationship. But, trying to express affection and love for her is a bit like petting a wild animal who is only interested in how you will taste as her next meal. I do not wish any harm or misfortune to her -- all I ever wanted from her was her love. All I ever wanted her to do for me was to stop the abuse. I wanted some respect and regard. I wanted dignity and truth. She would not do any of those things. I do in fact deeply resent what she stole from me and her failure to guide me into a productive life. Others saw through her more quickly than I did -- it took me till middle-age to figure out what was going on. Even though my logic told me I had done nothing wrong, my child's voice whispered to me that I must not be very good or worthwhile to be treated by her with such little regard or value. I was content to "tolerate" her and "keep my distance" without having a big falling out, mostly for the sake of my children and husband, but she didn't want it that way. I tried to keep her wickedness a secret, but she blew the lid. She demands volatility and quite frankly family fighting makes me feel dirty, much like living in a tabloid or on the Jerry Springer show. Such dysfunction may be amusing for others to watch, but quite sorrowful to live.

With each passing year what grew in me was not hatred I don't think, but less respect and concern for her happiness and less caring what she thought of me. From time to time I did have the urge to shock her by doing something really wild just to tick her off, but I hardly ever acted upon that urge. I realize now that what I was doing was shutting her out to protect myself because I did not know I was an ACON.

[Philski60]

Hi Anastasia,

Yes and No...

Yes, I hated my father and mother with a passion when I discovered that I was used as a waist receptical for their anger, shame, and guilt.  For their unwillingness to be accountable for their stuff.  For being emotionally molested by my codependent mother and for being used by my alcoholic, narcissistic father as a scape goat for his toxic vennom.  

No for the present, in that I've confronted both of them for what was theirs through letters that gave back what wasn't mine to begin with.  I allowed myself to feel anger and rage at the injustic of what went on with this defenseless child.  It still isn't my responsibility for them to actually own their stuff.  It was only my responsibility to give it back to them to do with it whatever they chose.  They still didn't acknowledge much of what I said in the letters to them both.  

I still have a decent relationship with them both today because I allowed myself permission to be angry as hell with their neglect as a child growing up needing healthy guidance.  Fact of the matter was they too were wounded souls that did the best they could with what they had.  The compassion I feel for them today has allowed a level of love to be mutually expressed and a measure of forgiveness to happen.  

More importantly, I feel good about myself for sharing my truth irriguardless of how they took it.  I still have healthy boundaries with both, especially my father due to his N traites.  I may not have been responsible for what happened to me as a child growing up in such a home, however, I am responsible for my recovery today.  Taking that on has given me much of my lost power as a spiritual being having a human experience.