I have been working with Laurel's books for a number of years now and find her work very helpful.
Laurel has a way of helping people with their emotional upsets. She recommends asking yourself six questions that help you obtain internal balance. She bases her work on a great deal of research. When you work through the six questions it is called a Cycle.
The cycle consists of:
1. How am I feeling?
2. What do I need?
3. Do I need support?
4. Are my expectations reasonable?
5. What powerful and positive thoughts can help me?
6. What is the essential pain about this situation that I must accept?
For example, I recently worked through the cycle on Father's Day about my relationship with my Dad.
1. What was I feeling? I used the "natural flow of feelings"... I feel angry that my father doesn't love me enough to have a real relationship with me...I feel afraid that I'll never have a real relationship with my Dad...I feel sad that I have missed out on a real relationship with my Dad for so many years...I feel guilty that I haven't called my Dad today. I understand that it takes two people to have a relationship. What I need from my Dad...to change. What I need from myself...to accept that my Dad isn't going to change no matter what I do. I also need to forgive myself for not being able to "fix" him and for all the hateful feelings I have harbored for him.
2. What did I need? I needed to make a decision about whether or not I would call him to wish him a Happy Father's Day and I needed to accept my feelings that I don't want to continue to be hurt by him. I know if I call him he will hurt me like he has a thousand times.
3. Did I need support? I decided to ask my spouse to listen and give me support on this topic.
4. Are my expectations reasonable? No. I am still expecting my Dad to "recover" from the insanity of my N stepmother's twisted world. He hasn't for 36 years. A reasonable expectation would be...given the fact that my father is acts in a dysfunctional way that continues to hurt me it is reasonable to not allow him to hurt me by not "engaging" with him in any way.
At this point my loving husband helped me clarify my feelings, needs and what choices were available to me. Then he said " I love you no matter what choice you make. This is up to you...you have to find what is right for you. I am here for you but you have to make up your own mind. I will support you no matter what."
5. What powerful and positive thoughts can help me?
My thoughts were: "I can protect myself from being hurt." "It's healthy for me to protect myself." "My feelings are important and I can make choices to take care of my self and be happy."
6. The essential pain I have to accept: I most likely won't ever have the relationship I want with my father in this lifetime. I didn't have the loving, supportive family I needed after my mother passed away to help me grow up. I have to accept that my family system was dysfunctional in allowing the abuse and dysfunction to continue. Now my life is up to me and I choose to be happy with my spouse and children.
During this process I had a good cry. When it was over I washed my tears away and went out and had an absolutely marvelous Father's Day with my husband, who is a wonderful father and supportive husband. I haven't regretted my decision one bit and have been more happy and relaxed since that day.
I hope these ideas will help someone else as much as they have helped me.
Ishana
