I feel so sorry for the girl at the sub shop working

[poetprose]

This just blows me away....


My  step son showed up here a few months ago, he tells us about how he had just come from the sub shop, he goes in orders his sub sandwich, and notices the girl making it , isn't wearing gloves, He proeceeds to tell her, that he has no idea where her hands have been,, etc etc and that it could be full of germs,  etc etc  this speel is quite elaborated , (I'm shortening it)

So after he stands there totally demeaning this young girl , humiliating and belittling this woman in front of the entire store of customers.......... he stands there and eats it in front of her!!!!

As he is telling us this , I listen to his tone, watch him smiling as he is telling us, I realise he is litterally delighting in his ability to "show her up"  he made this woman look like such a horrible person and how good he is because he beleives he is doing her a favor by educating her

If it was really about germs and his real threat was the fact that making subs is not sanitary without gloves,, why did he eat it?
this to me is more about him and his ability to demean and belittle people.......

and he thinks "other" people have God complexes.........whatever


How can someone get off* by steping on another person I just don't get that

[Sela]

Good morning Poet:

Well.....I have to agree with you.  There are so many human behaviours that seem so hard to understand and are so foreign ....it just seems almost unreal.  How can the world be this way?  How can people be the way they are? (some people).  Most of it seems nailed down with cruelty.

It's taken me a long time but I have finally accepted that people who behave in such ways have wires missing or broken in their brains.  Specifically...the wire that  connects empathy between heart and head.  They have none and aren't going to get any empathy, or a wire that joins it up properly, and that's because something is missing....broken .....not working in their system, which most likely cannot be fixed.

They can behave the way they do and feel good about it because the normal, natural, restraining mechanism--empathy--isn't there to stop them.  It does not bother them to hurt other human beings and some of them even enjoy it.  This is totally foreign to the rest of us, who do feel for other people.

I don't think it's a question of not knowing right from wrong and choices are made about how to act but truly, bottom line......how can one act with empathy without the mechanism in place to relay the information?  It's like expecting a person without a uterus to give birth.

It's sick and sad and hard to endure the behaviour of such people and at the same time.....I don't think they can truly help what they do.  They can't stop being cruel. 

I'm just glad I'm not like that and most of my wires seem to at least be present (some are a bit frayed, maybe).  I feel sorry for anyone who gets off on being cruel--what a truly awful way to experience life!  I'm sorry your step-son  behaves in such a way.  I wish there were a cure to tell you about but there isn't (as far as I know.  Maybe some day there will be one?).

((((((((Poet)))))))

Sela

[poetprose]

Thankyou for your response,

 and honestly I could deal and accept  a "hard wiring" problem.....  I have had a few wires short curcuit myself... in my 48 yrs, I've had to go to a physciatrist so I am not judging my step son at all.........   it is the denial, it is the refusal to see who he is and why he is what he is.........

being exposed is not as bad as staying in the dark, at least with exposure you can start to heal, by facing truths......

I think it is the dark that has him in bondage....... not us , not the family

[debkor]

Poet,

I can understand that I would want someone to wear gloves when they prepare my food also.  I might take her to the side and tell her to make me another sandwhich and she should put gloves on.  I would do everything I could not to humiliate her in front of people.

The thing that struck me in your post was his smiling about what he said what he did. 
He got some personal power and satisfaction over someone he felt was inferior to him along with an audience. 

Excuse me Miss you may have served other people with out gloves but you failed to see I am a SUPER BEING and that has pissed me off. I must now punish you with ridicule, embarrassment in front of the rest of the ordinary people.
Now I will stand here eat the sandwhich you have made without your gloves.  It was really about you failing to notice I was SPECIAL, how dare you treat me as others.  Let this be your lesson.  It was not the sandwich it was the opportunity to show others how God Like I am and what I can do to people. 

Poor Girl.  Next time I hope she has on gloves.

Love
Deb

[poetprose]

The thing that struck me in your post was his smiling about what he said what he did. 
He got some personal power and satisfaction over someone he felt was inferior to him along with an audience. 


yes!! that is exactly how he is ........ it is all coming from this gigantic ego......  and if  his argument was really about germs , then why did he stand there and eat it....

another thing he does that freaks me out is , he will walk into a room and stand there with a grin and STARE..........and he never batts an eye or blinks....... he just stares......... am i suppose to notice this and comment on it?  i should just stare right back at him the same way

[teartracks]

Hi poetprose,

I'm not trying to defend your stepson's  mean, wicked, evil, bad, and nasty behavior toward the server in Subway.  But your post brought to mind  two incidents I walked away from thinking I might have been better off saying something to a server.  The first was in a yogurt shop.  I ordered my favorite flavor, strawberry.  While filling the cup from a dispensing machine, the server let out a huge, loud  sneeze right onto my cup of yogurt at close range.  There were people behind me in the yogurt line as well as others giving sandwich orders to other servers.  I let it pass without saying anything and threw it in the trash container outside the yogut store.  The girl didn't know me from Adam's housecat, so it was not an action targeting me.  I expect she had sneezed onto most of the food she served that day. The next time was in a donut shop.  I stopped in for a coffee and my favorite, a glazed donut.  As I was coming in, the young male attendant (the only one there) was just opening the door to go to the restroom.  He decided to go ahead into the restroom and do his business.  It only took a minute or two and for sure not long enough for him to wash his hands.  Again, I said nothing.  I don't think fast on my feet and kind of stood from one foot to the other nervously trying to decide whether to simply walk out, say something about his neglect of handwashing, or place an order.  I did the dumbest of the three.  Somehow, I got caught up in preserving his dignity or something.  I placed an order and again disposed of it all once outside.

Reading your post makes me compare my opposite end of the spectrum behavior to your step son's and ask, What in the world are you supposed to say or do when things like this happen?  And they happen often.  Composing complaints takes time.  Should I be grateful for the chance to build up antibodies?  Any suggestions anyone? 

teartracks

[poetprose]

Hello,

Reading your post makes me compare my opposite end of the spectrum behavior to your step son's and ask, What in the world are you supposed to say or do when things like this happen?  And they happen often.  Composing complaints takes time.  Should I be grateful for the chance to build up antibodies?  Any suggestions anyone? 


My husband and I talk about this type of thing , we go out to eat alot, and if we  see any of the staff go in the bathroom and come out and not wash their hands, he will speak to the manager about it........ the food industry has to be clean, they have a responsiblity to uphold hygene,  hey look at it this way , we could be keeping them acccountable to the code of cleanlisness as well as educating them  

And speaking as someone who use to work in the food industry ( years ago), if it was me making the drink, I would have threw it out washed my hands and made the customer another one....   I use to work for a canning factory as a quality control tech, so I learned about the code of hygene, and the dangers of working with food in terms of botchalism  and i know anytime you deal with food ( this includes drinks),  you have to be responsible..   And i am sure there is alot that goes on in restraunts and the entire food industry that we don't see at all......

the fact that you threw your drink away, shows me that your real concern was the hygene , your actions reveal what your real motive was

[Hopalong]

I think telling the server or employee, quietly and kindly,
"would you step over here for a moment, I'd like to share something privately..."

and then just quietly say (to sneezer), "I can see you're working hard even though you must be feeling pretty rotten. I didn't want to make you feel bad, but I noticed you sneezed right on my drink. That's a public health thing you could get in trouble for. So I thought I'd just let you know quietly. Would you make me another?"

...for non-handwashers, if you can catch their eye, in a friendly way gesture them to step aside with you and say: "I can see you're working very hard. I didn't want to make you feel bad in front of other people. But I noticed you didn't take enough time to wash your hands after the rest room. That's a public health thing you can get in trouble for. So I thought I'd let you know..."

I've done confrontations like this now and then on server things (stuff like rude attitude, mostly), and as long as I keep my tone caring and start with the underlying positive, nobody's gotten mad at me. Some have even thanked me.

I think it helps to remind myself that the right intent is to benefit them as much as myself. We're all humans sharing this space, this society, they're my friend and fellow villager, sorta thing...

Hops

[debkor]

TT,

 I have this mental image of your yogurt and her sneeze.  OMG!!

One thing that worries me is the buffets that you serve yourself or salad bars.  I would have to ZONE OUT to be able to eat it.
I'm also always looking through my Chinese food before eating it.

Deb

[gratitude28]

I think the main point here is what you all have noted and what Storm pointed out on another post on a thread recently... joy in belittling others. He enjoyed his superiority so much. He made a valid point, but erased it completely by both eating the sandwich and reliving the tale with malicious enjoyment of having put the girl in her place.

This is so common in my family. My parents adore putting people down... especially service workers. If they are not instantly adulated, they find a way to denigrate.

Welcome poet, you will find, I bet, that there isn't a nasty situation you can bring to the table here that someone can't relate to.

Love, Beth

[poetprose]

>>>This is so common in my family. My parents adore putting people down... especially service workers. If they are not instantly adulated, they find a way to denigrate<<<


Yeah my father inlaw is like that....... he drains me emotionally,  I would blame this on his old age 82, (like his sons do), but the truth is he has always been this way......   I admire the fact that you see this, in your own family  I wish my husband would stop justifying and rationalising the most horrible cruel things............    it is like my husband will acknowledge some of the things his dad says, when it is directed at him....... but then he will turn arround and do the same thing that he hates his dad doing......... but deny that he is anything like his dad.......

aurgg....... it is so frustrating, his idea of humour is to make fun of your weight or anything personal about you, then get mad at you because you don't laugh...????  "stop being so sensitive".... or "whats wrong with you today" "where is your funny bone"

I don't understand why he has to do that........ it is like humour has to be at someones expense