It's good to be understood

[towrite]

Thanks to all you who understood my crazed ramblings in my last post. It is amazing - like one of you said - when you are writing out of a sick heart how it can touch others. After I posted that day, I went nuts. I don't mean that casually, I really think I had a psychotic episode. My mind felt like there were sparks going off inside of a black void and I had a sense that I was being pushed off a steep cliff, and digging in my heels to try and stop made me frantic and panicked. I even alienated the two friends I have left. Thankfully one of them has forgiven me.

I cried all day, not sobbing but just writing and doing stuff with tears running down my cheeks. All pride gone and no barriers.

To respond to a couple of questions, after I lost my house last June, I have been living on the proceeds since. I live in a small rented house - which is definitely a jewel - intending to buy it, but I am almost down to my last dollars. All I can do is take my meds and keep hope that a real estate client will come along soon.

Like Hops said (or maybe it was Leah), having hope is what keeps me going. Emily Dickinson wrote that losing hope is the worst.

"Inherited with Life -
Belief but once can be -
Annihilate a single clause
And Being's beggary."

I want to hang on - but I still need one substantial thing to happen - a good thing. Whatever form it takes.

Towrite (Kate)

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi there Towrite ((((Kate))))

The people here are amazing and it is so helpful to be understood....


Thankfully one of them has forgiven me.   Maybe in time the other will forgive you too.... after all you are human, and we all have our breaking points.  It's not something to be ashamed of in my book....   cried all day, not sobbing but just writing and doing stuff with tears running down my cheeks. All pride gone and no barriers.  Why was all your pride gone?  Because you are human.... did it help to write and cry?  Did it help to let these feelings out?  My guess is possibly yes, so it that really a bad thing.  I feel that it's a good thing, more than that, it's a great thing!

I'm glad you've got a lovely little rented house and fingers crossed a real estate agent comes along soon....

I want to hang on - but I still need one substantial thing to happen - a good thing. Whatever form it takes.
It already is..... you have a lovely little house, you are coming through the other side and you are in touch with your feelings..... Keep smiling....

Take care

Love H&H xx

[Gaining Strength]

Being understood is everything.

[oc]

Boy lets sit around and cry together.  I think I had a break too.  Its like the anger came rushing through me and all I could do is stand up and exit stage left!  It is ok-Breath!

[poetprose]

Thanks to all you who understood my crazed ramblings in my last post. It is amazing - like one of you said - when you are writing out of a sick heart how it can touch others. After I posted that day, I went nuts. I don't mean that casually, I really think I had a psychotic episode. My mind felt like there were sparks going off inside of a black void and I had a sense that I was being pushed off a steep cliff, and digging in my heels to try and stop made me frantic and panicked. I even alienated the two friends I have left. Thankfully one of them has forgiven me.

I cried all day, not sobbing but just writing and doing stuff with tears running down my cheeks. All pride gone and no barriers.

To respond to a couple of questions, after I lost my house last June, I have been living on the proceeds since. I live in a small rented house - which is definitely a jewel - intending to buy it, but I am almost down to my last dollars. All I can do is take my meds and keep hope that a real estate client will come along soon.

Like Hops said (or maybe it was Leah), having hope is what keeps me going. Emily Dickinson wrote that losing hope is the worst.

"Inherited with Life -
Belief but once can be -
Annihilate a single clause
And Being's beggary."

I want to hang on - but I still need one substantial thing to happen - a good thing. Whatever form it takes.

Towrite (Kate)

Here is one of my favorite little poems, by Steven Crane....  ( Many Red Devils ran from my heart)  I think we all have to write out our red devils, it is part of the healing process....  trust the outcome, sometimes we can not see the sun*, the clouds obscure this from our vision, but we KNOW it is there..... just remember that:-)

Many red devils ran from my heart
And out upon the page,
They were so tiny
The pen could mash them.
And many struggled in the ink.
It was strange
To write in this red muck
Of things from my heart.

[Sela]

Hi there Kate:

I'm so sorry I referred to you as a man.  I had in you my head as male, for some reason, and meant no insult.  I do apologize for my mistake.

I'm glad you were able to get some of your feelings out by writing and crying that day.  Not a nice experience but somewhat cleansing, I bet eh? 

It's great that you are holding onto your hope!  I still agree with myself (heehee  ) that I bet you can turn this around!  It will probably be small steps at first but they add up, after awhile, don't they?

Sending you a warm hug (((((Kate))))).

Sela

[James]

Hey Kate, there is always hope and you are a kind an wonderful person who deserves loads of hope and more, youve now faced a huge and probably one of the biggest, if not the biggest, mental battle you will ever have in your life and the crying helped it come out.
You are a fantastically strong person and whilst emotionally drained and vulnerable you are over a hill and shooting down the other side to true happiness, I send you my love, strength and prayers to you - be strong Kate everyone here is with you.
James

[Hopalong]

Kate, hon...you've opened up to all your pain.

Now..

I still need one substantial thing to happen - a good thing. Whatever form it takes.

...be open. Open up to all the possibilities. Open up to hope, to letting go of all the specific expectations...

Open up to the possibility that something good WILL happen. And it may be in a form you did not expect.

Just be open to hope.

love
Hops

[towrite]

Thanks to all of you. I do so love poetry, poetprose. Thanks for your contribution. I think I am so overloaded with fear that I simply broke that day. My other "friend" has not forgiven me. My paranoia was out of control and, even after much meds, I was wild with fear. She can't see that hanging up on her  - to me - is such a little thing compared to what I was going thru. Is that awfully selfish to say that??

[Hopalong]

I don't think it's selfish, and I'm sorry your "friend" just didn't have the empathy to set her pique aside when you were in such a state.

How are you thinking now?

Do you have other options besides selling real estate, in case you need something transitional?

Glad you're posting, Kate.

Hops

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((Kate))))))))))))

So glad to have you here. Maybe that storm you just experienced has cleared the skies for some lovely days.
Now it's time to trust that what you need will come to you. Keep on keeping on and you will recover.
Love, Beth