Narcissist got custody.....

[Sheeeva]

After his abuse of four years, watching him live out of a baseball bag because he had to be able to pick up and go whenever his ego was not being fed, and living through his angry outbursts designed to get his "nuggets" I left him and filed a restraining order on him. Well, though his winning personality and presentation of discolored truths to the court, he has gotten custody of our son even though I had a restraining order on him, and the mediators report said that I should be the custodial parent, as he was not involved with our sons life until I left him. I was also left without means to hire a lawyer, as he poured tens of thousands of dollars into his attorney, and failed to pay child support.
My question is this.
Should I cut off all relations with him, and my son, as he will use my son to fill his needs of controlling me?
I love my son with all my heart and soul, and this is the last thing that he has to gain control of me and continue to get his "nuggets". He manipulates every encounter I attempt to have with our son, and takes the phone off the hook at every court ordered phone visitation time. I am thinking that the sacrifice that I will have to make is my relationship with my four year old son, so that I can live my life without being pulled into his sick little world, as he has spent a lot of time, effort, and money to make sure he would have the only thing (our son)  that he could possible use to hurt me. He ignores all aspects of the custody order and the restraining order. I am tired and want my life back.

[sea storm]

Sheeva,

What a heavy heart you must have with all that is going on. I am so sorry this is happening to you and your son. You are tired for good reason.
No matter what kind of destructive sick weazle that your ex is, you still need to be a constant for your son.  This is really important to your son and for his future well being.
You sound like the power is all in your ex husbands court. Given the laws of the both the US and Canada, it is likely that you have more rights than you think. THere are divorce lawyers who understand these issues and you need to get one. Most will talk to you for fifteen minutes for free or for a small fee so that you can decide who you want to hire.

I was afraid to get a lawyer but I did get one and it really helped in the end. It was the ONLY way my ex could be controlled and forced to do the fair and ethical thing. It is not always the case that the guy with the most money wins.

You may be hurting badly and exhausted. Join a support group if you can so that you can develop a network of good people around you. It is hard to go through these things alone.

If he ignores the restraining order, call the police. That is your end of the bargain. Your ex sounds like a major bully.

Find out your rights. That is what lawyers are for. You should be able to see your son or else all hell breaks loose. Given the selfish nature of a man who keeps a small child from his mom, I think your son is going to really need you.

Keep posting.

Love
Sea storm

[Brigid]

Sheeva,
Please don't give up on your son and let your xnh win.  Your boy needs you more than you know and you need to save him from being raised by a bullying, self-absorbed, a$$hole.  I know you're tired of the fight and want to have your life back, but the stakes here are too great. 

If it were a house or a car you were fighting for, I would say walk away and let him have his way, but this is your baby we're talking about.  Your x can ruin him and only you can save him.  This is not a time to roll over and give in, but to gather every ounce of anger and resolve you can and give this jerk the fight of his life.  These n's are basically cowards when push comes to shove, and you need to gather a support group of a good attorney, a good therapist and whatever other help will be beneficial to your case.

I would sell my soul to the devil himself in order to keep my children with me and safe.  Please find a way to save your son.  You will never forgive yourself if you don't.

Many blessings,

Brigid

[cats paw]

Sheeva,

  I'm new here, and haven't been through what you are going through, but I've been reading a while and there are women who have been through similar things.  The feelings and thoughts I had were similar to what CB and Seastorm had.

  To be able to find the strength to be there for your little boy, AND for yourself, it will be essential to find support for yourself. You've taken a step by writing, and I'm glad you've done so, and hope you keep renewing your spirit in the ways that are available.

cats paw

 

[cats paw]

 
  Just wanted to add Brigid's name also- leaving her out was an oversight.  I had a similar thought to what she wrote about if it were a house or car.
 
   The posting went a bit wonky-  said did't post then it said it already posted, and it's still slow today, but I see Dr. G is keeping an eye on it.

cats paw

[Margo]

After his abuse of four years, watching him live out of a baseball bag because he had to be able to pick up and go whenever his ego was not being fed, and living through his angry outbursts designed to get his "nuggets" I left him and filed a restraining order on him. Well, though his winning personality and presentation of discolored truths to the court, he has gotten custody of our son even though I had a restraining order on him, and the mediators report said that I should be the custodial parent, as he was not involved with our sons life until I left him. I was also left without means to hire a lawyer, as he poured tens of thousands of dollars into his attorney, and failed to pay child support.
My question is this.
Should I cut off all relations with him, and my son, as he will use my son to fill his needs of controlling me?
I love my son with all my heart and soul, and this is the last thing that he has to gain control of me and continue to get his "nuggets". He manipulates every encounter I attempt to have with our son, and takes the phone off the hook at every court ordered phone visitation time. I am thinking that the sacrifice that I will have to make is my relationship with my four year old son, so that I can live my life without being pulled into his sick little world, as he has spent a lot of time, effort, and money to make sure he would have the only thing (our son)  that he could possible use to hurt me. He ignores all aspects of the custody order and the restraining order. I am tired and want my life back.

The courts don't like it when their orders are ignored.  You must DOCUMENT everything your N is doing with respect to ignoring visitation schedules and restraining order.  YOU MUST be diligent for your son's sake, no matter how tired you are.  Rest then get a plan...... get your evidence then get an attorney.  Follow the custody order to a T.  Document document document and whatever in the world did your N say that got him custody of a child he had nothing to do with until you filed?  ((((hugs)))) You found this board..... you're not alone.  Margo

[sheeeva]

I have been fighting him for two years, I have no finances to draw upon, and I wish with every bit of my being that I had an attorney or could afford one. I know that in about two years of so, I will be able to afford one, as I am in a RN program and will have a good job when I am finished. I did document about fifty times over the course of a year that he had broke the courts orders, and he got up and explained to the courts the "reasons" he had to break it, and the judge bought it. I represented myself in a court trial, which made me look really bad. He told the court that I was bi-polar, (A HUGE LIE) and was lethargic, and melancholy and had mental health issues. He has a few "ins" with a small town court system, and used it to play out a very sadistic and sick scene and is still unrelenting, I have observed his smiling out of the corner of his mouth at me, when he sees me upset of cry at the abuse I am suffering from his actions. I feel that the only way to stop him from using the courts as a constant way to get his "nuggets" of attention from me, is to totally disassociate myself from the only weapon he has left to get them. I love my son with all my heart, and my son has now become his tool. I see my son as a wonderful little boy, he sees him as something to use. I do not plan to abandon my son forever, I believe that the N will eventually tire of his game if he is given no nuggets, and when I am able to afford an attorney (2 years from now) he will be "relieved" when I go back for my son. I believe that he will tire of the day to day duties of caring for a small child, especially if there is no added reward of my reactions to the Ns crys for attention through the use of our son. The N does not really want custody of our son, he wants to continue to interact with me. I am tired of it, I am suffering so much anxiety that I need to find some way to get peace from this N.

[Gaining Strength]

Sheeva - continue to document.  Never let up on this.  Your plan of finishing your program, getting a job and saving money to fight in two years is a good plan.  In the meanwhile do not give up documenting.  CB123 has some great suggestions.  Finding a women's abuse center is definitely a critical step.  If the one you find doesn't help try another in another town.  A United Way may be able to help you find one. 

You are doing things that will help you.  You are making some progress.  Take confidence in these small things they will keep you floating when you feel completely sapped. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[debkor]

Sheeva,

Yes I agree.  Find a womens resourse center.  Bring them in on your fight.  They will be your greatest support.

Listen I'm going to give you a little hope here.

I have a N friend who got custody of all her children.  Her ex has waited for a year now for her to make her mistakes and she did.  He is now bringng her to court to take custody of his (kids). He waited for the little (hole) and slipped right in and has a very good chance of getting his children now.   Don't give up!!

Love
Deb

[DivineSunshine]

Sheeva,


Oh, girl. ...this absolutely makes my blood boil!!  And my heart ache for you!  (((((Sheeva))))))

I haven't yet left my NH and I hate to hear these stories, but yet at the same time I need to so I can learn ahead of time hopefully a do's and don'ts checklilst of sorts.  I know my NH will be a total a$$ like yours during a divorce and so I sympathize with you more than you know. 
I think, if I were in your shoes, I would make my N think he has won.  Hoping it would stop his ridiculous behavior quicker.  Someone here said to me once to become the

BEST ACTRESS IN THE UNIVERSE!

And it has helped me to cope with living with a terrible N H and be able to buy time while keeping him distracted by my charade of niceness and innocense.  Nothing he does can upset me, because I have a plan! 

I will come at him when the time is right with all guns a blazin' (so to speak, definitely not literally)  By thinking of that simple phrase above with every word I speak to him and every glance I give him,  I have thrown him off my trail so far he won't know what hit him.  And now that I have thrown him for a mental loop and he is not trying to win and beat me down before I win and get the kids, I have found myself with tons more energy and time to spend moving behind the scenes and under his radar.  Never thought I would say that, but it is true.  He thinks we are reconciling and I have some to my senses.  he soud not be furthur from the truth!  I AM documenting and getting things set to make it on my own, and hopefully, have enough arsenal against him to keep our children under MY wing.

The kids are always my first priority and I can understand how you might feel you need to back off for a bit.  This is heartbreaking, but if you can do it, and play this little chess game he thinks he is playing with you, it won't be for very long.  You will know that you will see your precious child very soon.  And that should keep you calm, clear-headed, and definitely motivated!  Set yourself a time limit.  30 days to do this, 30 days to do that.  Whatever.....and make your ex-husband THINK he is winning, and yes, maybe even warming your heart towards him again a bit too.  Anything it takes-- IMO.  This is your child, he will respect you for it one day.  He won't , I think, understand if he feels you just turned your back on him for 'no reason'.

Hold your head high, and dig deep!  Use every resource and ability /mind and emotional power you have.  I don't know when the stakes are higher besides the children left to grow up solely under the "care" of an N!

I wish you strength whatever you choose to do.  Forgive me for sounding like a loon, but I found myself very outraged by your story and I will be pulling for you.  Different plans work for different folks. I hope you find a plan and a comfort which motivates you, strengthens you, brings you peace, and brings your "baby "back home to you!  God-speed Sheeva!

Namaste,

Sunny

[debkor]

Sunny,

Now you got it. I'm glad your life is more managable for you right now. I'm very happy to see you are planning.  Just keep thinking that this is not forever when they push those (buttons) keep your cool.  Plan, Plan, Plan.  You go girl.  You make me proud.

Love
Deb