Seesaw

[Gaining Strength]

I am gaining strength - almost daily  but still I am thinking about changing my moniker to Seesaw.  I am one day up and one day down.  One morning up, one afternoon down. 

Yesterday I went for a massage with a woman who also does "energy work" and has some psychic/intuitive ability.  It was really nice.  She gave me some bad news about my situation but some good suggestions about how to handle them. She told me somethings that were just confirmations of things I already thought and other things that made sense such as my right side is very dominant over my left side, iow, my body is way out of balance.  The right side lines up with the more masculine and the right side with the more feminine.  She recommend that I work with the earth more.  It all made sense to me from a psychological aspect.

Today I had 7 boys for an Easter party.  I always spend days in preparation for these events.  When it is over both my child and I feel spent - he is sad that it is over and I feel deflated and lonely.  I continue to learn how to switch those feelings.  I am choosing to feel accomplished and warm from the experience, to feel connected instead of left out.  The overall lonliness that I feel I am choosing to let go.  This feeling is lingering from my earliest childhood when I was so terribly left out emotionally.  So lonely even among the crowd.  I am choosing to change my feelings and then see if the reality changes in response. - GS

[pennyplant]

Lonely, alone.  Well, you're not alone.  I'm doing pretty poorly myself these days.  Can't even post much.  It's good you have your boy.    I'm glad you had the party.  The feelings afterward don't negate the feelings during.  You will always have that.

I'm interested to read more about the energy work you had done.  I'd like to do that sometime.....but I don't trust anybody enough yet  .

Pennyplant

[Margo]

I am gaining strength - almost daily  but still I am thinking about changing my moniker to Seesaw.  I am one day up and one day down.  One morning up, one afternoon down. 

Yesterday I went for a massage with a woman who also does "energy work" and has some psychic/intuitive ability.  It was really nice.  She gave me some bad news about my situation but some good suggestions about how to handle them. She told me somethings that were just confirmations of things I already thought and other things that made sense such as my right side is very dominant over my left side, iow, my body is way out of balance.  The right side lines up with the more masculine and the right side with the more feminine.  She recommend that I work with the earth more.  It all made sense to me from a psychological aspect.

Today I had 7 boys for an Easter party.  I always spend days in preparation for these events.  When it is over both my child and I feel spent - he is sad that it is over and I feel deflated and lonely.  I continue to learn how to switch those feelings.  I am choosing to feel accomplished and warm from the experience, to feel connected instead of left out.  The overall lonliness that I feel I am choosing to let go.  This feeling is lingering from my earliest childhood when I was so terribly left out emotionally.  So lonely even among the crowd.  I am choosing to change my feelings and then see if the reality changes in response. - GS

Well.... the ups and downs are just part of the healing process.  I know I'm right in there with'ya..... sometimes ups.... sometimes down.... striving for a steady spot to rest on.  Sometimes I find it too.  ::sigh::  I really appreciate those plateaus.

For some reason my experience feels more like going in circles..... not seasawing. 

So glad to see your entry on changing your feelings to more warmth and connection.  It's so important to live in the moment.  You're aware that you're childhood experience is playing over and over in your head.  What a gift you can internalize and change it!  Most people don't even realize why they feel the way they do. You sound like you're going in a very good direction, to me.  Sticking with changing patterns into habits is hard but...... eventually they become pleasures if you can keep it up: )  Margo

[Gaining Strength]

I've missed you pennyplant.  It is so good to see you.  I often wish we could all be together at times - a Voicelessness convention of sorts.

You know, it was kind of interesting.  This winter, I tried to find someone who could do reike (sp?).  I felt as though my emotional trash was all caught up in my body even though I am not sure what I mean by that.  Anyway I never really got a reccommendation that set me calling.  But when I was out of town a couple of weeks ago, one of the women told me about this masseuse who did energy work.  She highly recommended her and went on to say that she often can sense somethings going on psychologically when she is working on your body.  That is what appealled to me.  

It really did help.  She gave me some news that was disappointing such as - that my body felt as though it had been in a car wreck.  When I shook my head she said sometimes that is a metaphor and then I nodded.  I have used a similar metaphor for myself for years (truck wreck - I've even used that here on this board.)  She also told me that I have the beginning of a dowager's hump - that was a real shock.

Nothing that she said was a surprise but I believe that what she saw was the results of the past years of severe stress and that things are coming around now.  This morning I had this insight into a sense of powerlessness that plagues me and I saw immediately that it came from my mother and my resentment towards her.  Now that I've seen that I think I can address it, let it go.

Next week I begin a concerted, schedule drive to fix up my house and to get things in order to start my new business by the end of the month.  It is frightening to me but I can do it.  I can do it with the support of my friends here - support and encouragement.  

Last June I  read a Wayne Dyer book that said to see and feel yourself having achieved what you want to have or to have done.  Since then I have read that same concept in countless forms.  I understood the concept the first time I read it but have not been able to put it into practise.  I am going to try that now.  For too long I was caught up in a kind of self-pity that was too powerful to break until I understood that that self-pity actually had roots in sabotage and condemnation from my N parents.  In the months that I have been here I have yet to find another group of people who would even believe that a parent would sabotage or condemn their own child.  Understanding that that has happened to me has helped begin the process of release for me.  I am edging ever closer to being able to see myself as someone who earns money, has a nice house, friends, a busy, comfortable social life and enough money to enjoy some of the nicities of American life.  

Every time I feel the loneliness, the rejection, the abandonment I have to let it go and envision what it would be like to feel connected, welcomed, wanted even and included.  As I get more and more able to imagine tose feelings I believe that I am getting closer and closer to participating in what I desire.  I am willing to let go of my bitterness now.  It's usefulness is spent.

Today is Good Friday - death on a cross.  Sunday is resurrection - life anew. - GS

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks for your post Margo. 

You're aware that you're childhood experience is playing over and over in your head.  What a gift you can internalize and change it!  Most people don't even realize why they feel the way they do.
I have only figured it out this past year.  It has really made a difference.  After years of therapy, I have made significant strides this past year - due in part to this understanding (and in part to the community.)

You sound like you're going in a very good direction, to me. 
Thank you.  Your words or encouragement really help.

Sticking with changing patterns into habits is hard but...... eventually they become pleasures if you can keep it up: ) 
It really is hard.  These words of encouragement give me strength and courage to stay on the same path.  I'll take your word for it that "eventually they become pleasures if you can keep it up: )"  It sounds like you know this from experience - do you? - GS

[pennyplant]

GS, I am pulling for you to make the kind of start towards your business that you want and need to make.

Yes, I understand very well that idea of parents sabotaging their own children.  My parents required me to be no trouble at all.  The way to do that was to teach me that I was not worth anything.  It was done in very subtle ways and I suppose it was not conscious on their part.  But life was easier for them if I was no trouble.  And they needed for their lives to be easier for them.  That was the best way for me to "help" them and to "be good".  Be no trouble.  Be..... worthless.  I learned that lesson very, very thoroughly.  I still can't get my mind around the opposing idea.  That I am not worthless.  Logically I understand I am not worthless.  No one is.  But emotional worthlessness sits in there still.  I keep coming up against it.

I have been mentioning to a friend of mine that I am working on building my self-confidence from the inside out.  I'm doing that first before I work on outward behaviors.  Kind of the opposite of what you're doing, GS.  She was kind of surprised that I have so little self-confidence.  She said, "You SHOULD have self-confidence."  As if it were obvious to anyone with eyes that I have value and strength, etc.  How could I not know this?!?!  That is what her tone was.  I don't suppose she has run into too many animals like me who seem like one thing on the surface but feel like quite another inside.

It is quite a handicap to feel worthless.  It colors everything.  Every interaction, every hope, every memory.

Yes, I do understand parental sabotage.

Thanks for this thread, GS.  It's giving me a way to get out of my head and back into some kind of give and take.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

PP
I'm really glad to hear from you too.
I hope you're doing okay.

Sounds like a lot of very hard work going on in there....

((((Pennyplant))))

Hops

[pennyplant]

Sounds like a lot of very hard work going on in there....


Been learning some hard truths lately, stuff that probably wouldn't seem all that big all on its own, but stuff that has really got to the core of it for me.  I'm pretty worn out with it and probably pretty angry too.  Therefore, quite depressed.  Just going with the flow, which is pretty sluggish lately.  Perhaps I'm ready to turn it around, since I seem to be talking here again.  That would be good.

Thanks, Hops.

Pennyplant

[Margo]

Thanks for your post Margo. 

You're aware that you're childhood experience is playing over and over in your head.  What a gift you can internalize and change it!  Most people don't even realize why they feel the way they do.
I have only figured it out this past year.  It has really made a difference.  After years of therapy, I have made significant strides this past year - due in part to this understanding (and in part to the community.)

You sound like you're going in a very good direction, to me. 
Thank you.  Your words or encouragement really help.

Sticking with changing patterns into habits is hard but...... eventually they become pleasures if you can keep it up: ) 
It really is hard.  These words of encouragement give me strength and courage to stay on the same path.  I'll take your word for it that "eventually they become pleasures if you can keep it up: )"  It sounds like you know this from experience - do you? - GS

I responded to this post yesterday...... apparently it got eaten.    I've been in pain, for variouse reasons, like everyone else in this life.  I've come out stronger each time, wiser...... incorporating lessons and trying not to forget them before I can internalize them, lol.  Amazing how re reading a good book teaches  me how much I didn't internalize.  I can read a book 4 and 5 times with a new highlighter and realize the things I've forgotten.... or how much I've grown from the last reading. 

Just keep in mind that you will get through this and that you've chosen a path of enlightenment and healing.  You will grow and become a stronger person for it.  Before you know it..... happiness sneaks up and then you have to be careful about what you say yes and no to..... bc you're feeling strong enough to take chances again.  Very important to set boundaries, even if you don't feel worthy.  Very important to find comfort in enforcing them.... asserting yourself with confidence.  I was just practicing yesterday with.... "If you are cruel or threatening to me..... I will know that you don't want to be a part of my life and I will stop communicating with you."  I was calm and at peace saying it, where it would have made my heart pound and my breathing frantic a few months ago.  Heck... a few weeks ago, lol.  Maybe even days, if I'm honest.  But.... the important this is.... I said it and I meant it.  I do have the discipline to enforce it, I know.  Now I wait and think about how I'll handle the situation in the days to come, so it won't catch me and whip me around like a rag doll.  Again, lol.  ::sigh::   

Finding pleasure in the everyday little things of life is inviting harmony and serenity into life.  Creating sacred spaces in our homes and honoring household God's..... disciplining ourselves to require respect.  All part of the journey and it's not so hard to figure out.  Harder to stay the course and refuse to become confused.  We really should train ourselves to trust our instincts.  I think our childhoods taught us to discount them and that's a shame bc they're all about protecting ourselves.... very useful and necessary.  Very important to learn how to assert ourselves and use our voices.  I use to write and write and write and write till my feelings were very clear and internalized so I didn't become confused in the face of emotional discussions with people who wanted to keep me off balance. 
Good tool...::nodding::

So I know a little something about how to navigate the void, which we're all bound to go through.  It's important to remember that you will come out of it...... facing the pain and dealing with solutions is the quickest way out. Yikes, I know... but true.  Don't fear the pain... embrace it bc it has lessons to teach.  Maybe that will help you? 

I also know that things are going to be Ok.  No matter. This knowledge really really helps during the hardest of times.  I may lose my way in the moment... for a bit, but.... I always find my way back to logical thinking and problem resolution because I know.... it really will be OK.  And I have me.  Margo 

[Gaining Strength]

Penny plant -
I have been mentioning to a friend of mine that I am working on building my self-confidence from the inside out.   She said, "You SHOULD have self-confidence." This is the only place I have come across people who can understand the deepest struggles I face.  They seem so common to me and yet I don't run across many people who have a clue of what I am talking about when I discuss my personal issues or life with an N parent - they don't get N behavior at all.


 I still can't get my mind around the opposing idea.  That I am not worthless.  Logically I understand I am not worthless.  No one is.  But emotional worthlessness sits in there still.  I keep coming up against it.
I am struggling against this very issue.  It is so hard to move from the intellectual understanding to the emotional.  Just this morning I made yet another connection that much of my snse of worthlessness came from my father (mostly) demanding of me, from early childhood, more than I had to give.  From that I became inadequate.  Almost as if it were my name.  But although on examination, my life reflects this clearly, it was hidden in my unconsciousness.  Only very recently have I recognized that "inadequacy" is the core of my sense of worthlessness. So whenever anything is asked of me, whenever the spotlight shines on me - even for simple things I have panicked in a subtle way.  Unconsciously feeling inadequate to the task - whatever the task may be - expecting and fearing criticism, condemnation and ultimately rejection.  This process repeated itself so often until finally I completely shut down and no longer performed some very basic functions.  But now I get it and now I am getting to so of the core part of this painful, painful disfunction.

I wasn't inadequate but I was being asked beyond my ability and then severly, causticly criticized.

 

It is quite a handicap to feel worthless.  It colors everything.  Every interaction, every hope, every memory.
Yes, I do understand parental sabotage.

Such true words.  Absolutely everything.  We can resurrect from such destruction - it is difficult - but we can come out of it. - GS

[Overcomer]

GS-Do you feel like the masseuse is reputable?  I am a bit leary of all that healing stuff but believe in the prophecy stuff.  I guess it is because I am a Christian and am worried that I might get caught up in something a little New Agey.  Oh well, I am afraid a massage therapist would call me a train wreck.  I went to a chiropractor and realized my body was out of whack.  But the adjustments got a little expensive so I quit.  My body aches a lot.  Found out I have a sinus infection so my head is aching as well.  Oh well, I have been praying for my nmom.....you, too??

Got your message on George Mueller.  Madam Guyon is also one who is (was) in tune with the spiritual world, prayer, etc.

[Gaining Strength]

OC - she definitely had some new agey stuff going on.  I think you are correct to call me to task on it and I am somewhat leary as well.  While I was there I kept my mind on Christ and kept a silent prayer and felt safe. 

I have definitely been praying for my N mother and am really making great progress.  I feel better towards her (have a long way to go) and am getting clarity on some of my lifelong struggles.  I am so very glad you posted.  It has really helped me. - GS

[isittoolate]

Hi GS,
My sister is into all this stuff and I find it hard to understand.  She has a very good business going, but here is a paragraph from her email about a friend of ours since elementary school., as a guest at my brother's 45th anniversary gala.

We had a great time at Wes and Sandi’s party on Saturday.  They had about 40 people there – all long-time friends or relatives so we were an aging group except for Jamie and Tracy and their families.  I had a chat with Kenny Matchett (now called “Ken”) and he is still living on the farm.  He said some real estate person came and offered them $300,000 cash right then, plus another $700,000 cash when the deal closed, plus the right to live rent-free for five years.  They didn’t accept it.  His wife, Joan, broke her foot about a year ago and is still swollen and painful so I offered to try out my “new” skills.  She said the pain was an 8/10.  After about 3 trips through the procedure (10 minutes, maybe?) she said the pain was down to a 2/10 and she told me later that it allowed her to enjoy the day.  I don’t have enough experience to know how long this will hold; the general trend is, “the longer it has been here, the longer it takes to go,” so this stuff has really good result with immediate injuries.

Sis follows Deepak Choprah (sp?)

xx
Izzy

[Gaining Strength]

Izzy - that sounds like EFT which is some kind of thing that is based on acupuncture points but rather than needles you just tap on points on your face and hand.  It is a new fad. - GS