Author Topic: My story  (Read 2404 times)

el

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My story
« on: March 28, 2004, 04:23:04 PM »
Hi everybody.  I just found this site and I am so glad that I did.  I have been married for 8 years and just recently realized that both my MIL and BIL are N's.  They fit the descriptions to a T.  They have both put such a dent in our marriage that I am considering separating from my H.  But am trying to preserve it as best as I can as we have 3 small children together.  Here is my story:                          

My H and His N mother and brother Bill have had a dysfunctional relationship which continues today.  I'll try to sum it up: My MIL left my H's dad when my H was 4. She has had numerous men in her life and spent my H's childhood telling him that she sacrificed her life for them and that she is working so hard so that they will take care of her when she got old. Anyway, my H told me that literally not a day passed that she did not repeat this. She had over 15 abortions (MIL told me this) and had my H's brother accompany her at times to the clinics.  She basically neglected my H from the time he was 11 or so. Left him to watch, feed, change, etc. his little sister from the time he got home from school until nighttime (his mom got in around 11 pm, 6 days a week).  Telling him all the while what a "good" mother she was for keeping the kids as she could have left them with their dad (which, IMO, would have been healthier for them). They were literally brainwashed into singing her praises. After my MIL left my H's dad, My H was left with an alcoholic step step dad who sat in front of the tv literally all day long. His mom has always treated him and his brother and sister as surrogate husband/ parents to her. It's really wierd. She paid for his older brother to go to med school and all of his living expenses, etc. with the belief that he would "take care of her" later.

My MIL (and BIL) have wreaked havok on our marriage.  Some examples off the top of my head:  H and I moved to MIL's state so that my H could get another degree and work at his mom's restaurant.  I was away from family, friends and knew no one.  We were supposed to go back to visit my family during X-mas and he took vacation time from work (his mom's restaurant - she was owner of it and approved vacations, etc.) We were all set to go until a week before we left when MIL told my H that he would "have to come in" to wait tables as she had to fire someone (she fired the person for something really ridiculous, I can't even remember what it was.  But the point is, it COULD have waited until we got back from our vacation.).  So, needless to say, we cancelled our vacation and I was left to celebrate Christmas without my family or my H as he HAD to work (as though they'd be swamped at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas...).  Another example, when my first Child was born, my H had set up his vacation time for two weeks (mind you, this would be his very first vacation in over a year working there and MIL is the grandmother).  So I had my daughter and excessive bleeding.  I didn't hemmorrage but the chances were high and the dr. insisted I have someone there when I left the hospital to lift things, etc.  I assured him it's ok, my H is taking a full two weeks off.  Ok, no problem.  The day I get home, my MIL calls hysterical that DH must come in (that day) as she had to fire someone yet again because they were "rude" to her and he would not be able to have his two weeks off.  Anyways, it took a dr's phone call and my enormous begging and pleading with him for him to stay with me.  He did, but just for three days (instead of two weeks).  He was still in the grips of his N mother.  There are lots more examples I could give but I don't have the time to list them all.  She's has always been excessively jealous of me and constantly had my H choose between her and me.  And, unfortunately, he almost always chose her.

My BIL has been the same way.  He gets my H dependent on him in one way or another and then pulls back and deprives him.  He's very sadistic.  For example, he owed my H a few thousand dollars but instead of paying him directly said that he'd pay for our health insurance to cover it.  Since  we decided that I would stay home to raise our DD, and I was the one with health insurance, we said ok.  Did he pay?  NO.  yet he kept us strung along for months saying that he was going to.  If he just said no, we could have just bought it ourselves.  Luckily DD didn't get sick.  He pulled the same thing that same year when my H couldn't afford school.  He said that he would finally pay my H back by paying for his classes (which wouldn't even cover the bill, btw).  He kept my H strung along and my H had to drop out since the bills were not paid.  There's more, but I'm just trying to paint the basic picture without making this a novel.

Skip to the present:  My H's mom gave Bill her retirement fund to put into a stock and it amassed to 500 thousand dollars. This was her retirement money. Bill is constantly getting involved in various business projects.  So Bill blew All of her money on a failed business. But since there was nothing legally binding (nothing signed, just an oral agreement between Bill and my MIL) she could legally do nothing to get her money back and has to rely on the payment plan that Bill set up for her in order just to pay her bills, not even the money owed her). My MIL quit her very successful job and is now living in Bill's condo (he has a house as well) under the assumption that Bill would be paying her back as he said he would. Bill is a wealthy man and can afford it. So my MIL is nannying Bill and his wife's infant and not getting paid for this nor getting any of her money back. My MIL during this period would call up both me and my H crying and threatening suicide (which she has done all of his life and has not followed through once yet still terrified ME when she talked of it) because Bill was not paying her what he owed her, much less to be a full time nanny, a job she hates (she's not maternal AT ALL) My MIL finally (after 3 years) told Bill's wife about the money owed her (Bill constantly keeps secret lives) But before she did, she made me promise (at the threat of her committing suicide) not to tell my SIL that Bill(her husband, so her money too)owed her the money because it would break up the family and that would mean no money for her.  

My H has finally seen that his mother and brother are toxic and has cut his brother out of his life.  He is minimizing contact with his mother and is trying to fix things with me.  I put up with it all because I have serious boundary issues from an abusive past (my own mother is N too!!).  Anyways, I have now become my MIL's supply and I hate it!  I need to set boundaries with her but whenever I try she twists my words and villifies me to others.  I feel trapped into doing what she wants, saying what she wants to hear and then I feel sick inside.  I cut her off for over a month and when I finally did speak to her after she was obsessively calling me, said that I couldn't be involved and that my H and I were thinking of separating over this.  Her first reaction was anger and "what would that say about me if you get a divorce?"  Anyway, I feel trapped by her as she has an anxiety problem and I, with my people pleasing tendencies, went way overboard to help her.  I made her relaxation tapes, told her what a good mother she had been when she cried to me about how horrible of a mother she was (I know, I know, but I felt literally trapped into saying it), etc.  I have become her supply.  She expects me to call her now at least once a week and I agreed!  She just called and left me a message.  I need to set boundaries but if I do, I am villified and I am terrified of this.  

Thanks for letting me vent.  Any input would be appreciated.

el

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How to set boundaries with a N?
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2004, 06:57:59 AM »
Here's an update on my situation:

My MIL called me yesterday to "see how things were going".  She asked how I and my H were.  I said "the same.  We're fine".  She said "you need to try, friend.  You need to TRY" as though this were all my fault and I was not trying enough.  Then the conversation (which I cut very short) went around to her (as always).  Then she said that she would call me Wednesday.  Anyways, I got that same icky feeling after getting off of the phone but couldn't figure it out until hours later.  The whole reason that my marriage is in a shambles is because my MIL and BIL have caused so much tension between us.  As per the previous post, with the latest being that my H got suckered into paying 600 dollars of the 1500 dollars that my BIL owed my MIL.  I forgot to mention in the post that my H kept this information from me.  We just didn't have enough money to pay our bills and then I figured it out by checking the bank statements, cancelled checks.  We had to cancel our trip to Walt Disney world that we had been planning for 2 years because of this.  Also, whenever my H would  get off of the phone with my MIL he'd have so much stress since she'd tell him how she sacrificed her life for him and all she did for him (which was VERY little as she was either never home or only interested in herself).  So after a phone conversation my H would take his stress out on me and the kids by being short with us or getting into a fight.  I finally told him to either do something about it or walk as it was making our marriage impossible.  We have not gone one week in 6 months without fighting about something to do with either BIL or MIL. He told his mother this and not to call him crying about how her children did not respect her and all she did for her children and threatening suicide (which she has done for his ENTIRE life yet never even attempted).  He told her that she and Bill were the reason our marriage was in a shambles.  So what did she do the very next phone call after villifing him to everyone?  Called him up at work crying and talking about how disrespectful he was and how she sacrificed her life for him.  He had to get off of the phone but when he called her back 20 minutes later she answered and was completely calm as though she hadn't been crying at all.  She uses crying as a manipulative tool.  This she has done for my H's entire life.  He now has a knee jerk reaction when he hears crying and gets irritated by it.  Which makes life difficult, to say the least, with 3 children (aged 6, 4 and 2).  And, god forbid if I cry.  He gets angry.  I cannot blame him for this but it makes marriage even more difficult.  

Anyways, now my H has decided to set clear boundaries with his mother and after her phone call to me yesterday, told her that he would need to not speak to her for a while because she makes him too upset and he needed to focus on repairing our marriage.  She cried, went through the old "I've sactrificed my life for you" deal and then yelled at him when he stood firm.  Then she hung up on him.  This is typical of her.  I am proud of my H as he didn't call back to apologize, which is what he always has done before this.  He realizes that his mother and brother are N's and is in a sort of mourning process over it.  I understand this as I went through it with my mother.  

Now I just need to set boundaries with my MIL.  Her once a week calling to me is supposedly to help her with her anxiety.  So, even though our marriage is falling apart, I still feel required to wait on her hand and foot.  So, I will try to talk to her without getting my self esteem literally sucked out of me (she does that).  

How do you set boundaries with a N?  Is it even possible?  Do I need to just totally cut her out of my life?  If I do, she will villify me to everyone in earshot and that is terrifying to me.

write

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My story
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2004, 07:37:30 AM »
The whole reason that my marriage is in a shambles is because my MIL and BIL have caused so much tension between us. As per the previous post, with the latest being that my H got suckered into paying 600 dollars of the 1500 dollars that my BIL owed my MIL.

why not have a think then sit down with your husband and explain things in these terms to him, see if you can come up with a plan to set boundaries for his family or to keep them at a distance or even out of your lives.

Look at it this way: ts not them who are wrecking your marriage, but your husband's ineffectual way of dealing with them.

How do you set boundaries with a N? Is it even possible? Do I need to just totally cut her out of my life? If I do, she will villify me to everyone in earshot and that is terrifying to me.

sure its possible, difficult but possible.
And no, the n won't like it one little bit, especially at first.

Why not examine why it is so terrifying to you that this toxic person says bad things about you, sounds like you need to build yourself up to a point where others cannot dent you like this.

write

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tokyojim2001

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Just say no
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2004, 08:36:07 AM »
There are two important things to remember in dealing with such people.

1. You must think through what you have to do until you are sure.  If you are unsure, you will not be able to act.

2. Once you have decided, do not discuss it ANY MORE with ANYONE.  The only thing you have to say is to concretely repeat your decision.  WITHOUT ANY MORE EXPLANATION.  The problems lies in the mistaken (emotional) belief that one can explain the decision to the N or to those involved so they will be able to agree or understand.  If you do that, you must realize that you are being simply stupid.  We do this with children.  "You cannot have any more candy"  "It is time to go to bed."  And what will the 4 year old do?  He will do anything to stay up longer - "Just a little bit more" (or I will throw a tantrum.)  "You don't love me." (Now I can stay up a long time while mommy talks about that.  The guilt trip is good for 15 minutes.)  The loving and smart parent sets a limit, explains it once, then enforces it, even if it means dragging the child and locking the door.  The child will not do it again, and it is really best for everyone.

el

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My story
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2004, 09:58:49 AM »
write,
Thanks so much for your reply.  

"Look at it this way: ts not them who are wrecking your marriage, but your husband's ineffectual way of dealing with them. "

I know.  I wasn't too clear in my previous post because I had to type fast before the kids needed me but that's the whole reason my marriage is doing so badly.  My H needs to set boundaries with his family and he wasn't.  But, he is starting to now.  I hope that there is hope for us?

"examine why it is so terrifying to you that this toxic person says bad things about you, sounds like you need to build yourself up to a point where others cannot dent you like this. "

Yes, thank you so much for the link.  I really need to get to the point where I do not care.  My MIL has not liked me or has felt threatened by me for so long that now that she likes me it feels like food to a starving person.  I just wanted to fit in, I suppose.  I really wanted a grandmother for my kids but maybe we'd be better off without her.  I'm not sure why I am so dependent on being liked.  I read through the link and there's so much usefull info there (thank you!) that I need to think about.

TokyoJim,  Thanks so much for replying.  Great points.  I really do need to be sure about what needs doing.  I think that you pinpointed what my problem is here.  I am unsure if it's best to keep contact, cut off contact, have limited contact, etc.  I keep vacillating between what's best.  I'm not even sure how to decide at this point as my kids love her (even though she has never been there for them in any way.  It has always been how they are to her, what they are doing for her, etc.  At 6, 4 and 2 they need to go out of their way to please her, wait on her, etc. or she say's they're not being good kids.  Maybe it's better to cut off contact totally?

write

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My story
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2004, 06:28:14 PM »
I hope that there is hope for us?


I'm sure there is.
It's perhaps something he's struggled with all his life.

I really need to get to the point where I do not care.

you seem a good person- you'll probably always 'care'. Just not let toxic people make your choices for you, and if they won't keep to your boundaries, or make things too much trouble, shut them out of your life.

rosencrantz

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My story
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2004, 03:47:35 AM »
Quote
even if it means dragging the child and locking the door. The child will not do it again,


I agree with you EXCEPT for this statement.  That's getting too close to abuse.  Do you expect someone to drag you off and lock the door if you don't do what you're told???  Alice Miller's books will enlighten those who do not yet understand.

This Children's Bill of Rights has both amused and helped me as a parent!!  :wink: http://www.rosemond.com/1Bill%20of%20Rightsbody.lasso

but you'll find a balanced alternative view here : http://www.famucon.com/columns.html (scroll down to the end of the page)
eg
Quote
I have a pet peeve with people who equate the responsibility of socializing a human being with housebreaking a dog.

R
"No matter how enmeshed a commander becomes in the elaboration of his own
thoughts, it is sometimes necessary to take the enemy into account" Sir Winston Churchill