Hi everybody. I just found this site and I am so glad that I did. I have been married for 8 years and just recently realized that both my MIL and BIL are N's. They fit the descriptions to a T. They have both put such a dent in our marriage that I am considering separating from my H. But am trying to preserve it as best as I can as we have 3 small children together. Here is my story:
My H and His N mother and brother Bill have had a dysfunctional relationship which continues today. I'll try to sum it up: My MIL left my H's dad when my H was 4. She has had numerous men in her life and spent my H's childhood telling him that she sacrificed her life for them and that she is working so hard so that they will take care of her when she got old. Anyway, my H told me that literally not a day passed that she did not repeat this. She had over 15 abortions (MIL told me this) and had my H's brother accompany her at times to the clinics. She basically neglected my H from the time he was 11 or so. Left him to watch, feed, change, etc. his little sister from the time he got home from school until nighttime (his mom got in around 11 pm, 6 days a week). Telling him all the while what a "good" mother she was for keeping the kids as she could have left them with their dad (which, IMO, would have been healthier for them). They were literally brainwashed into singing her praises. After my MIL left my H's dad, My H was left with an alcoholic step step dad who sat in front of the tv literally all day long. His mom has always treated him and his brother and sister as surrogate husband/ parents to her. It's really wierd. She paid for his older brother to go to med school and all of his living expenses, etc. with the belief that he would "take care of her" later.
My MIL (and BIL) have wreaked havok on our marriage. Some examples off the top of my head: H and I moved to MIL's state so that my H could get another degree and work at his mom's restaurant. I was away from family, friends and knew no one. We were supposed to go back to visit my family during X-mas and he took vacation time from work (his mom's restaurant - she was owner of it and approved vacations, etc.) We were all set to go until a week before we left when MIL told my H that he would "have to come in" to wait tables as she had to fire someone (she fired the person for something really ridiculous, I can't even remember what it was. But the point is, it COULD have waited until we got back from our vacation.). So, needless to say, we cancelled our vacation and I was left to celebrate Christmas without my family or my H as he HAD to work (as though they'd be swamped at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas...). Another example, when my first Child was born, my H had set up his vacation time for two weeks (mind you, this would be his very first vacation in over a year working there and MIL is the grandmother). So I had my daughter and excessive bleeding. I didn't hemmorrage but the chances were high and the dr. insisted I have someone there when I left the hospital to lift things, etc. I assured him it's ok, my H is taking a full two weeks off. Ok, no problem. The day I get home, my MIL calls hysterical that DH must come in (that day) as she had to fire someone yet again because they were "rude" to her and he would not be able to have his two weeks off. Anyways, it took a dr's phone call and my enormous begging and pleading with him for him to stay with me. He did, but just for three days (instead of two weeks). He was still in the grips of his N mother. There are lots more examples I could give but I don't have the time to list them all. She's has always been excessively jealous of me and constantly had my H choose between her and me. And, unfortunately, he almost always chose her.
My BIL has been the same way. He gets my H dependent on him in one way or another and then pulls back and deprives him. He's very sadistic. For example, he owed my H a few thousand dollars but instead of paying him directly said that he'd pay for our health insurance to cover it. Since we decided that I would stay home to raise our DD, and I was the one with health insurance, we said ok. Did he pay? NO. yet he kept us strung along for months saying that he was going to. If he just said no, we could have just bought it ourselves. Luckily DD didn't get sick. He pulled the same thing that same year when my H couldn't afford school. He said that he would finally pay my H back by paying for his classes (which wouldn't even cover the bill, btw). He kept my H strung along and my H had to drop out since the bills were not paid. There's more, but I'm just trying to paint the basic picture without making this a novel.
Skip to the present: My H's mom gave Bill her retirement fund to put into a stock and it amassed to 500 thousand dollars. This was her retirement money. Bill is constantly getting involved in various business projects. So Bill blew All of her money on a failed business. But since there was nothing legally binding (nothing signed, just an oral agreement between Bill and my MIL) she could legally do nothing to get her money back and has to rely on the payment plan that Bill set up for her in order just to pay her bills, not even the money owed her). My MIL quit her very successful job and is now living in Bill's condo (he has a house as well) under the assumption that Bill would be paying her back as he said he would. Bill is a wealthy man and can afford it. So my MIL is nannying Bill and his wife's infant and not getting paid for this nor getting any of her money back. My MIL during this period would call up both me and my H crying and threatening suicide (which she has done all of his life and has not followed through once yet still terrified ME when she talked of it) because Bill was not paying her what he owed her, much less to be a full time nanny, a job she hates (she's not maternal AT ALL) My MIL finally (after 3 years) told Bill's wife about the money owed her (Bill constantly keeps secret lives) But before she did, she made me promise (at the threat of her committing suicide) not to tell my SIL that Bill(her husband, so her money too)owed her the money because it would break up the family and that would mean no money for her.
My H has finally seen that his mother and brother are toxic and has cut his brother out of his life. He is minimizing contact with his mother and is trying to fix things with me. I put up with it all because I have serious boundary issues from an abusive past (my own mother is N too!!). Anyways, I have now become my MIL's supply and I hate it! I need to set boundaries with her but whenever I try she twists my words and villifies me to others. I feel trapped into doing what she wants, saying what she wants to hear and then I feel sick inside. I cut her off for over a month and when I finally did speak to her after she was obsessively calling me, said that I couldn't be involved and that my H and I were thinking of separating over this. Her first reaction was anger and "what would that say about me if you get a divorce?" Anyway, I feel trapped by her as she has an anxiety problem and I, with my people pleasing tendencies, went way overboard to help her. I made her relaxation tapes, told her what a good mother she had been when she cried to me about how horrible of a mother she was (I know, I know, but I felt literally trapped into saying it), etc. I have become her supply. She expects me to call her now at least once a week and I agreed! She just called and left me a message. I need to set boundaries but if I do, I am villified and I am terrified of this.
Thanks for letting me vent. Any input would be appreciated.
