Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
couldn't do the right thing
longtime lurker:
thank you for the kind thoughts surf. :) I intend to stay away from her. It's been almost one year since I've seen her or any of my family.
I have to be resolute and strong and stay away. The relief that she is not in my life is amazing.
My dad's in pretty much the same boat as her, but in a different way. maybe I'll save that one for another day lol :)
Wildflower:
Hi Red Rose,
--- Quote ---Are you wrestling with guilt over what you feel about her? I know I do.
--- End quote ---
Yes. Absolutely. I don’t think you misunderstood me, Red Rose. I think I’m in a bit of a flux right now. :?
Every time I think about something my mom did that hurt me, I have this knee-jerk reaction to explain it away: “Her problems were bigger than mine. I got off scott free comparatively. How can I attack her when she’s in so much pain?”
I’m starting to think I was ‘trained’ to react that way, though.
And it’s one thing to come to terms with the fact that she was emotionally and physically unavailable, but it seems almost too much to say she was actively mean to me, too.
I used to know that she was mean to me, though, but I shoved it down – and it came back up two days ago in the sound of her voice as she fended off one of my attempts to reach out to her as a child.
--- Quote ---She was at times emotionally unavailable, even physically unavailable. She was at times filled with emotional rages and alcohol. She was at times filled with vicious words and I was there to take the verbal punches.
We can all err and do this, but an N person will never do anything to correct themselves or to attempt sincere apology. If your mother is like mine, everyone else is to blame and there are grand situations made in her mind as to why everyone else is to blame.
--- End quote ---
This describes my mom without the alcohol, and I have to accept it. I don’t want her to be an N, because it seems so final on so many levels. But part of me knows she is and has known for a long time that we would never have a good relationship (which is why I moved away and haven't been home in years). Ridiculous that I’m fighting this so much. Sorry to take up so much board space with this confusion. :roll:
Wildflower
rosencrantz:
Hi Wildflower
Are you fighting it so much because you're ricocheting between 'either-or' instead of 'both-and'???
--- Quote ---Her problems were bigger than mine. I got off scott free comparatively. How can I attack her when she’s in so much pain?
--- End quote ---
Supposing (just supposing) all that were true...what's the missing piece of the jigsaw???...what's the key that would open the door 'outta here'???
I don't have an answer in mind, just wondering....
R
rosencrantz:
PS
--- Quote ---She was sitting on the couch as I washed the dishes and I could feel her staring at me. I was tense. Then all of a sudden, she blew. “You don’t contribute a @#*%& thing to this household!”
--- End quote ---
What struck me about this was that you did the work whilst she sat around. (Mothers do; I do; they/we are allowed!) But there wss something in here about you having done as you were bidden, obediently and without question that nagged at me. And then what JUST struck me is the fact that you doing the work made her feel guilty - so she dumped on you what she really thought about herself. Cos what she then said made absolutely no sense at all - you WERE contributing - in washing up you were making a contribution. Seems totally obvious to me without any doubt that at that moment you WERE making a contribution.
Maybe it's just what her mother used to say to her whilst she sat around doing nothing in her youth. Or you could extrapolate the theory that every time you do something good for her, she both needs you AND her guilt/shame button gets twitched.
And I realise as I write that this is what happens with my mother.
The last time we spoke, she said towards the end of the conversation that I was being nice to her. I was watching the sky at the time and was distracted by the fact that a bit of a rainbow was peeping out from between some clouds. I was thinking how appropriate this should appear as my mother was actually saying something nice to me.
I said that she was being nice to me (implication being that I wish she'd learn that what she puts out to the world is what she'll get back from the world)...and WALLOP! straight down the old regular route of verbal assault, same old recriminations, on and on, me defending myself, putting up walls. Per-lease, you've said the same thng hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times in the past 30 years. She was happy but I reeled and limped away from the phone. A moment's distraction and I'm open for an assault!
The rainbow had disappeared by the time I next looked out. That was a couple of weeks ago and it's taken me all this time to recover again. In fact my body rebelled big time and I've been on antibiotics and all sorts. Cheesh!
Does this connect? I've rather lost my 'helicopter view' in talking about my own mother. I suspect there's a link somewhere!!!
But it's time I went to bed! Night night!
R
Wildflower:
This is the entry I deleted. It helped me make a few jumps in thought, so I thought I'd re-post it. It also seems to touch on some of the arguments that were brought up by Rosencrantz and Survivor. It may be extreme, but it opened a door out, I think. :?
------
--- Quote ---Jacmac: I believe in putting these things to the back of our mind (denying them) we instinctively recreate them in the present and try to deal with them now, since we're older and smarter.
--- End quote ---
--- Quote ---Rosencrantz: Maybe it's just what her mother used to say to her whilst she sat around doing nothing in her youth. Or you could extrapolate the theory that every time you do something good for her, she both needs you AND her guilt/shame button gets twitched.
--- End quote ---
Child (naturally picking up messages from a parent):
What did I do to deserve the treatment I got? What did I do that upset her? How can I stop this behavior? How can I stop upsetting her? How can I be good? What am I doing that’s bad?
Adult (armed with knowledge of N’s):
What was she getting out of her interactions with me? What did she need from me? How did it help her to frustrate me to the point of rage and hysteria?
When I last spoke with my mother, our last incredibly upsetting conversation that sent my body screaming out for help, she explicitly confused me with my grandmother three times. For examle, she started telling me a story about ‘my father’ (my grandmothers's father). :shock: Yikes.
I’ve said a hundred times, I was her mother growing up – in many ways. But this little seed has been growing since that phone call. Maybe I wasn’t allowed to be the nurturing, caring mother I hope to be some day with children of my own. Maybe I was supposed to be like her mother. I know she expected me to be like her mother (she’s told me as much on various occasions). But….she needed me to be like her mother?? Manipulated me into being her mother???? So that she could finally win her battles???? :twisted:
I feel sick.
Wildflower
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