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couldn't do the right thing

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Anonymous:
Hi Wildflower,

I have to admit I read your post yesterday and my stomach lurched when I did.  I was so angry for you!  My NSIL is just like this.  "I'm not competent or adequate, so don't go thinking you are.  In fact, this is so important to me, I'll arrange things to make sure you are as frustrated about life as I am."  My NSIL expects complete servitude from those around her, but don't expect her to thank you for something you are supposed to do!  And if you do manage to do a good job, well, you've only succeeded in making her feel inadequate.  She would get angry at her H for cleaning up!  It's crazy.  

My NSIL would set up my kids for failure: put out breakable things when they were small and bound to pick them up and break them.  Put them in charge of the adopted hellion she couldn't control herself to take the fall when he broke things.  She'd smirk if they fell down and hurt themselves.  In fact, occasionally she would urge them on in whatever activity until they did fall down and start crying.  This was the beginning of the end for me.  Anyone who smirks at another's pain is a little scary...

She is only my SIL.  If I had her for a mother I probably would have killed myself, or at least run far away.   I do not say this lightly.  She's awful. It's telling that that is exactly what she did.  Run away from her family, that is.

Anyway, I recognize the crazymaking of your mother and wonder how you coped with it.  Take care, Seeker

Wildflower:

--- Quote ---“Seeker wrote: In fact, this is so important to me, I'll arrange things to make sure you are as frustrated about life as I am."
--- End quote ---


That really sums up much of my life with my mother, although I don’t think she was entirely aware of it.  Not that her lack of awareness made it any easier for me to live through.


--- Quote ---Seeker wrote: Anyway, I recognize the crazymaking of your mother and wonder how you coped with it.
--- End quote ---


I realize that may not have been an actual question, so I hope you don’t mind if I treat it as one.  I’m not sure I understand a lot of what happened, so I’m not really sure how I coped.  But that’s exactly what I’m on a mission to find out right now in my life.  The short answer, though, is that I almost didn’t cope.  Like many people here, I was driven to suicidal thoughts while I was living at home.  I didn’t really have the courage or energy to act on my desire to die, though.  I just prayed every night that I wouldn’t wake up the next day.  

A few years ago I had the opportunity to tell my mother that I had been suicidal during high school.  First she said she had no idea that I was in trouble, but she knew I was pretty upset.  Then she said she had been suicidal when she was my age.  And like so many other times when I’ve tried to talk about my problems with her, she turned it into a ‘bonding’ moment – and an opportunity to talk about her experiences.  Hello?  She did the same thing when I had my first panic attack that landed me in the hospital.  “Oh, I used to have those all the time.  That’s just a part of being in your 20s.” :shock:


--- Quote ---RedRose wrote: Emotionally unavailable, not there, mean.
--- End quote ---


Sorry.  Part of me wants to vent about all this stuff, but this thread is forcing me to see that she might be an N after all and that makes me really, really sad for her.  The meanness was the only thing missing (how could she have been mean if she wasn’t there??)  As crazy as this may sound, I feel like I’ve lost her.   :cry:

Wildflower

longtime lurker:
Hi Wildflower,

Afeter I confronted my mother on the telephone I asked her how she felt. She paused as she realised the usual "devastated" would not be enough.
"suicidal she said.
I said "have you ever thought that I have been suicidal"
"I'm not repsonsible for that" she said.

I also flirted with suicidal thoughts for years So I can empathise with you on that one.
Thinking back, I always feel when my mother tried to get you to do something it was always giving an order. I fyou rebelled and tried to stand up for yourself she would try to pyshologically crush you.

Sh threw me out when I was sixteen as I wouldn't pay rent. It wasn't so much the rent but the way she went abot it that was so damaging. I ran upstairs crying and she sent my dad (enabling all the way) to get me to pay.
"tell him he can pay xxx" it was the way she sent someone else to make an offer and wouldn;t face me in a reasonable way. I was obviously upset and said no, my dad passed on the message and that was his job done. no offers I'll support him or anything (they were separated at the time.
The next thing I know I was called downstairs my bag was packed and I was told I could stay with a neighbour. This neighbour also played the role of father trying to get me to pay the rent, trying to cajole me. Obviously, the position I was in and the age I was how could I possible yexplina that I was fighting to survive my mother was crushing me. How could I possible back down from this? If I went back how miserable my life would have been.
I was fortunate in that my grandparents, were my dad was living, allowed me to stay - in a camper bed behind the settee. I offered to pay rent and my grand mother wouldn't take it.
SO that's how I was crushed, my mother won. Hands down.
Years later I saw her get on the bus with my younger sister. My sister got on first, saw me and sat somewhere else. mother sat next to her and pretended not to see me. It was obvious. I said "time for a reconciliation then"  "oh hiya" was the response in that completely false,exaggerated voice.
no more contact for several years.
I then found out she had cancer so I got back in touch. immediately fell into the same situation. she would randomly bring up things she must have felt guilty about.
"the reason you got the same allowance as your younger sisters is you got from elsewhere"
"we don't talk about you, you know" (she talks about everyone when they're no there - and in a derogatory way.)
I realised I detested almost everything she said and the fact that I stuffed it down and didn't respond (partly out of fear of her reaction) meant that I was slowly dying. Once she was over at my house  and she talked about how she was talking about "us" to her sister and her sister said "you're pushing them away" I felt the strongest ruge to speak and scream YES but didn't say a word. the life completely drained out of me. My mother saw this, pretended to yawn,said I'll come back when you're feeling better.  my fault - zinged again.
That's why standing up to her was the hardest and the best thing I ever did. It took me months. It was a complete failure in a sense - she manipulated me into anger and gave her the opportunity to paint me in a bad light but she would have done that anyway.
The first time I did it, I phoned her after a sleepless night. "oh you got up just to say that?" (subtle belittlement)   "oh I've been hurt too" she then said. It was looking back after that call I realised I had apologised for even bringing the subject up. I had nothing to apologise for. So I did it again and this time I made sure I would not back down and leave the ball in her court. So no more contact.

Now don't get me started on dad ! maybe I'll save that one for later  :)

Sorry, rambled away again.

RedRose:
Wildflower,

I think I misunderstood your previous posts.  You said that you wanted to state that your mother was mean to you.  Now you say perhaps that couldn't be if she just wasn't there, at all.

Are you wrestling with guilt over what you feel about her?  I know I do.

I know I wrestle with this as I have children of my own.  I'm not perfect, and my childhood is something I have had to reflect upon and overcome to be a better person and parent.  I know I have had and will have shortcomings as a parent, but I know, deep in my soul, that many of my mother's actions and words were mean.  They didn't have to involve an emotion she was feeling toward ME.  I realize that, now, but it doesn't make the hurt and indifference I feel toward her go away.

She was at times emotionally unavailable, even physically unavailable.  She was at times filled with emotional rages and alcohol.  She was at times filled with vicious words and I was there to take the verbal punches.  

We can all err and do this, but an N person will never do anything to correct themselves or to attempt sincere apology.  If your mother is like mine, everyone else is to blame and there are grand situations made in her mind as to why everyone else is to blame.

surf14:
Hi Longtime Lurker;
  That's a sad story and I can feel the utter frustration you must have felt  in dealing with the 'monster' mother.  As I  was reading your story I was thinking how ill it must make you to stay in contact with her; how could you ever get any peace or feel good about yourself being sround someone so destructive like this?  I hope you stay away from her and build a good life for yourself with healthy loving people to support  you.    :)    Surf

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