paranoia

[Anonymous]

I am going to have to be guest today, even though my story will give me away to my H.
Last night I was typing a post here when my husband leaned back in his videogame chair and glanced at my computer screen.  I jolted and turned so there would be no way for him to see what I was doing. (I am always jumpy around him).
Later I went to bed in the guestroom.  While I was trying to fall asleep he came in and laid down next to me.  After a few minutes of silence he asked me if there was someone else.  I said absolutely not, and I would never be unfaithful to him in any way.  Strangely, the first time he threatened to leave me he also said that he loves me enough to let me have someone else.  I had to assure him then too, of the truth that there is NO one else.  
He explained that he is predisposed to suspecting infidelity because his ex girlfriend was unfaithful.  But he knew that I was not her.
He told me is is paranoid because I am talking on the phone behind closed doors, I turned away so that he would not see my computer screen, and I have not been sharing my feelings with him.  
I told him I am working out my emotions in private.  But now I am part wondering if his paranoia is my fault for not talking to him, even though I know talking is unproductive.
Then he said he can only trust me inasmuch as I trust him.  Well, the difference is I have never done anything to violate his trust (except simply not talking about my feelings)  which he seems to be interpreting as deception.   OF course telling him that would have been pointless.

I am anxious about going home because he is there and I never know when I will be interrogated again.... when "making nice" will get manipulative. I wonder how on earth I am ever supposed to order and read your recommended books with titles like "controling people"  etc, without having to answer to him.  
Today I have been anxious that I did not delete my serach history or something and he has found out  about my involvement on this board, that he has decoded my screenname... or what if he found my journal...
What is going on here???? Have I completely lost my mind????

[Anonymous]

this is pandora, not logged in.  

When I ordered the kinds of books you describe, I had them delivered to me at my workplace.  Or send them to a trusted friends house.  Or get a trusted friend to order/buy them for you.  

My husband also "offered" to "share" me with someone else - something I was not interested in, and I always wondered what the hell that meant.

[rosencrantz]

This is exactly how my mother makes me feel - a criminal and under threat!  Guilty and ashamed.  Wrong, sick, and crazy.  It's part of the 'N' pattern and the best reason to get away from it all.  

Realistically tho if whatever you do is going to be the wrong thing (because that's their half full view on life) you either can't do ANYthing (and even that will be wrong) - or just do what you think is best for you.  And admit it!!!  You'll never be able to do what's best for them anyway, cos their mind-set won't allow such a situation to exist!!!  

Share the books with him if he enquires.  I know that the temptation is to hide to avoid but 'realistically' what's he going to do with a book of that title?  Unless you fear violence (in which case, get out now!!), you can be upfront that you're trying to understand people 'like that'.  Aren't you allowed to read something 'for interest' or because the title 'intrigued' you?????  Of course you are!!!

You don't have to fight, and you don't have to cower.  You don't have to lie and you don't have to challenge.  If you can, just respond to the actual words used rather than the multitude of 'implications' they manage to weave in and around them, refuse to acknowledge the changing goal posts and, with any luck, you'll find yourself coming back up for air!!!  

And read the books!!!!!  

R

[rosencrantz]

Sorry Pandora - you must have posted whilst I was writing my reply - my comments on the books wasn't intended to imply I was contradicting your suggestion.

An afterthought - individuals are allowed privacy within a marriage - it's a sign of a healthy marriage - you could try that one, too!!!  If YOU believe it, it will help YOU, even if he can't hear it!!
R

[Anonymous]

He told me is is paranoid because I am talking on the phone behind closed doors, I turned away so that he would not see my computer screen, and I have not been sharing my feelings with him.  
I told him I am working out my emotions in private.  But now I am part wondering if his paranoia is my fault for not talking to him, even though I know talking is unproductive.

Secretiveness makes people uneasy so I can see where he's coming from. I know you feel unsafe around him. That's what you could tell him.

Then he said he can only trust me inasmuch as I trust him.

 

This is ludicrous. His trust in you HAS NOTHING TO DO with your trust in him. Trust is based on another person's behavior, period. It's not a quid pro quo situation. My advice, which I've already given, is to find a *GOOD* couples counselor. Don't stop until you've found one who understand the situation. Don't give up on finding one.

bunny

[seeker]

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear that you are jumpy.  It's yucky to feel like you're living under a microscope or being monitored.

Rosenscrantz said:

individuals are allowed privacy within a marriage

This was exactly my thought as I was reading your post.  I keep a dream journal, a regular journal, and go to places on the Internet that I rather my family not know about (no, not the porn stuff!     )  Anyway, it used to bother my H but I tell him I need the privacy.  I tell him, "you know generally what I'm working on, and I need the privacy."  So he respects that.  Besides, reading and writing are solitary pursuits!

Although I am tired of this word, this does sound like a boundary issue.  

When I think of spouses who cannot stand to be alone and can't understand those who need some private time, I recall reading a story about a woman who sued for divorce.  The judge asked her why she wanted to leave her husband who seemed like a nice guy.  "Because he's boring, your honor."  The judge said they would have to come up with a pretty good standard of what boring meant, and she and her lawyer did:
"Boring" in this case meant "depriving someone of their privacy without providing companionship."

Anyway, the difference between privacy and secretiveness depends on whether you are in the "know" or not!  Good luck, Seeker

[write]

Today I have been anxious that I did not delete my serach history or something and he has found out about my involvement on this board, that he has decoded my screenname... or what if he found my journal...
What is going on here???? Have I completely lost my mind????

No. He's just using a very effective tool ( confusion/ embarassment ) to control you.

I was like this for a long time, I have caught my h reading temporary internet files/ emails etc!

He still does sometimes & I always say the same thing now: that's private; these are my boundaries.

Makes little difference to him I suspect ( though he is in therapy now so it might for the future ) but it makes every difference to me because I am placing the weirdness right back with him and don't want a part of it. He owns it in my mind if not in his, and that is very empowering.

Books I don't want him to question me on I place at the back of my closet. At first that was because I didn't want to enrage him, now its more that I don't want to discuss them.

If he is likely to be violent try to secrete them some place else, and maybe even use the computer in the library.

It takes a long time to disentangle from a narcissist but empowering yourself one step at a time is a good way forward if you're not just in a position to leave.

As others have said- taking care of yourself is imperative, living with such stress.