Faith v. Fear

[Gaining Strength]

I have lived a life of fear and shame is at the root of it.  Shame and all of it's many parts: unworthiness, rejection, criticism, condemnation, inadequacy.  As I deal with the issues of shame I realize that I must let go of the fear that results from the shame.  My fear actually attaches to everything but for starters it attaches to not being enough, not having enough.

I was listening to a tape someone gave me yesterday and it was about faith.  I realized that I have no faith in my ability to move out of my current situation in part because I fear failure and fear success.  I can trace all of this back to me my parent's betrayals and sabotage. 

Today I begin a determined approach to convert my fear to faith that I am moving forward and do have what it takes.  I love what CB posted yesterday about the stories on Oprah in which the transformation seemed very slow at first.  This winter I read two very good books "The Pursuit of Happyness" and "Left to Tell".  Does anyone know of any other books abou personal journeys out of unbelievable darkness into storybook lives?

[Hopalong]

Dibs in Search of Self
Man's Search for Meaning--Victor Frankl
Lincoln's Melancholy

These are corny but really gripped me for a time. A woman named Catherine Cookson wrote a bunch of romantic histories, and some really got me. The Dwelling was my favorite.

I'm glad you asked that question GS. I also would like to read books that walk me through another's life, so when I feel pitiful, I can be recharged by someone else's courage.

A friend of mine reads bios, a lot. She looks for people who have overcome psychological adversity as much as economic or physical...sometimes it's all three.

Please share what titles you find. I'm thinking it's time to get the gol-durned TV out of my bedroom and spend my evenings reading more again.

love
Hops

[Overcomer]

Joyce Meyer and Oprah-Both sexually abused and now look as them.  G S -I am with you and wonder how long you have been going through this.  I feel exhausted hearing you rehash this shame thing over and over.  I want to tell you to get over it but that is truly the pot calling the kettle black!  I wish God could erase our anxieties and make us whole!  We are pickles-cucumbers that have soaked in poison vinegar all our lives-it seems we can not unpickle Ourselves!

[Hopalong]

GS:
I think I found a book for you (and me) that will help:

The Soul of Money, by Lynn Twist

(It's not a guilt trip about wanting money--it's thoughtful and fascinating.)

love
Hops

[Overcomer]

Girls:  Love to you all.  Great verses but please God make them real in our lives!

[NewMe]

<<Then  I realized that    I am just "bathed" in fear..I just have it over me like a blanket.Also, I have a stomach ache almost all the time   This is "fear" in bodily form  I think.Honestly, I feel  fear,  like  humidity. It just is inside me and all around me..It feels so heavy and tenacio I decided that I should meditate on the  verse  "Perfect love casts out fear'. This means that if you can comprehend,in your heart, how much God loves you- then fear will be gone. I am totally desperate. I truly, truly am.
   I see that I am alone. I have no family. My husband doesn't really care that much about me. I have two sons who are good, but they are involved in their own lives. I have a best friend,but she has her own issues. I am totally alone. (Maybe, we all are?)So, if I don't get rid of this fear- Who will?>>

Oh, Ami . . . I wish I had words of wisdom . . . all I can do is offer sympathy and understanding and hugs,hugs,hugs.
I have a loving and understanding husband, but I feel very much alone too . . . because you have to have lived through this to be able to really "get" it.  I have felt that same fear you've described for so long, but now it has lessened into anxiety. I'm anxious most of the time. I'm so afraid of displeasing ANYONE that I procrastinate and avoid people, and it KILLS me to say no.

But at least we know what we have to work on, right? We know what the issues are, and we can see the dragons we have to slay. That is so much better than being in the dark.

I'll pray for you, dear friend.

[Overcomer]

Girls:  I have to tell you that I am breaking through.  Oh yes, I am angry.  And oh yes, I am fearful.  I mean, what if my nmom hears me?  Or hears me just enough to misconstue what I have been pounding her with lately.  I have decided that my only communication with her that is safe is through emails.  I have pounded her with one after another after another.  Just telling her how much her invalidation hurts me.  How much I wish she would try to figure out what is wrong with her and not always try to figure out what is wrong with me.

But I understand this fear.  This fear of finally breaking through and realizing that my life as I know it is gone.  The security of being able to complain about the injustices of my life.  The fear of having to truly make it on my own.  The fear of failing.  The fear of succeeding.

My life has been a series of moving on to the next thing or place and THEN I WILL BE HAPPY.  I have moved so many times I cannot count them...............all because if I get a nicer house, THEN I WILL BE HAPPY.  If I get a new job, THEN I WILL BE HAPPY.  If I lose weight, THEN I WILL BE HAPPY!!  If my mom finally admits that SHE is the problem, THEN I WILL BE HAPPY.

I

[NewMe]

<<My life has been a series of moving on to the next thing or place and THEN I WILL BE HAPPY.  I have moved so many times I cannot count them...............all because if I get a nicer house, THEN I WILL BE HAPPY.  If I get a new job, THEN I WILL BE HAPPY.  If I lose weight, THEN I WILL BE HAPPY!!  If my mom finally admits that SHE is the problem, THEN I WILL BE HAPPY.>>

Oh, you have said it so PERFECTLY, it almost brings tears to my eyes. That is excactly, precisely, absolutely how I am. My entire life, waiting to turn that illusory corner, where I am finally thin enough, successful enough, etc, that I can finally allow myself to be happy.

[Overcomer]

Pretty elusive, isn't it?  Well, I go to this doc who prescribes compounded bio-identical hormones, etc.  She also has this gift..she kind of knows things.  So I have been seeing her for about two or three years trying to get my hormones in check, etc.  The last time I saw her she was pretty exasperated with me.........she told me I had huge negative energy.  And she said something to me that totally made sense - "No matter where you go, YOU will be there."  So that statement kind of shocked me into reality.  My running towards a new house.  Or towards a new set of circumstances will not help me if I do not work on myself.........so that is the goal.  To get over this need to "turn the corner" and then my happiness with appear out of thin air!!

[Overcomer]

I am on the same pathway to regain my self esteem-the Chinese Water Torture relationship I have with my mom is becoming less of an issue-I am more concerned with myself and how I am going to get myself all better !