can they help it?

[Ami]

I am a new member. This website showed me that I am not alone and that my mother's problem has a name- NPD. I guess that everyone asks the question- " Can they help the way that  they act with us?"
I snapped last week after my mother raged at me for expressing fear about my husband's surgery.
I see that the pain in my entire life was her NPD.
I love this website and would love to hear what you have to share about your experience.

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Ami.
Congratulations on stepping off the starting line to a new life.
The marathon can be painful but it's wonderful to run it.

You'll find tons of stories here about narcissistic mothers,
coping strategies, awakening, and the step-by-step triumphs
of reclaiming your wholeness.

Happy reading, tell us more when you're ready.

Hopalong

[isittoolate]

Welcome Ami

I am not in the gang withan N mother so might not have much to say with no experience.

I did have an N dad, found out after he died, did have an N son-in-law til my daughter divorced him, then he took grandson who is on his way to being an N, just learned I have an N sister (she was hiding behind her ability to quote the Bible), and lived with an N/P for a few years til I dumped his sorry ass and  have been 5 years on my own .

Good Luck

Izzy

[WRITE]

welcome Ami 

" Can they help the way that  they act with us?"

people's behaviour is a combination of things: their upbringing and previous experiences and relationships, unresolved emotions, underlying personality, disposition to handling stress and hormones, their attitudes and beliefs about self and others....there are many factors which influence how people behave.

Can people help themselves? I doubt there are many people who cannot at least modify their behaviour and its impact on others.

But changing behaviour is difficult, it's whether someone is willing to see they may be impacting themself or others negatively and work to change things.

My ex has changed somewhat but has reached a place he is happy with and does not want to change any more. It's not a place I am comfortable to try and share as his wife.

I've changed a lot over the years, so have other people here.

It is difficult to change some things but there are lots of tools and models around this site.

We can't change others though- only ourselves and the boundaries between us.

[Ami]

Thanks for the responses. I realize that my larger issue is that I have divorced myself from my mother and I feel REALLY guilty.
 However, it is really  either her OR me. I feel that I will die if I don't get away from her. I have been dead trying to make her behavoir seem appropriate. I am really " the walking dead". I have lost my values, my integrity,  and my sense of self trying to make what IS NOT o.k.- to be O.K.
 I know that people here understand.
  What I am saying is that  I  had to divorce her to have ANY hope of being a self in life. BUT, i feel guilty still.  I need to value my own integrity and self . It comes down to her dying or me dying. I always chose her life before. I want to chose mine now

[teartracks]

Ami,

Don't invest more in a relationship than you can afford to lose.  It sounds like you've lost so much, but thank goodness you can put an end to the relationship  and begin to recover your losses.

tt

[Margo]

I am a new member. This website showed me that I am not alone and that my mother's problem has a name- NPD. I guess that everyone asks the question- " Can they help the way that  they act with us?"
I snapped last week after my mother raged at me for expressing fear about my husband's surgery.
I see that the pain in my entire life was her NPD.
I love this website and would love to hear what you have to share about your experience.

I don't think they really can control themselves.....much less see what they're doing.  It's all about keeping their delicate internal balances in check and that takes all their energy.  That is all they can see and I think it's like looking through a very bleery filter when they look at the world. 

If you expect change and think they understand what they do...... you're probably going to be dissapointed over and over again.  If you change your expectations about your mother..... you may continue to be dissapointed but you'll have more energy for helping yourself.  She's NOT going to be the one to do that.  I find more peace when I think of them as unable to understand and do any better than they do.  I believe that they're broken beyond repair and unable to see the forest for the trees.  If I get angry or upset about it...... what have I gained.  It's giving up hope, once again, that will help.  I still have to internalize that.  It makes me sick, literally, trying to come to grips with what they are and what we really needed them to be.  Margo

[Ami]

    Dear   Teartracks,
    You answered my question with so few words. I gave almost all I had. I, literally, was dying. Six months ago, I found that I could not eat. I was getting very, very thin. I would look in the mirror and see this skinny, sick looking person.
   I think that I would have died so she could keep her mask on. I ,literally, would have given my life to protect her from facing herself. I am a little removed from it now(10 months later) It scares me to write these words and to see how close I was to giving up my life,if that is what it took, to keep her perception of herself as O.K.
  I am in shock, as I write this. I never saw before the extent to which I gave her my life. I tried to help her and my father keep the lie that she was O.K.I said it in the last post, but she is a practicing therapist in Boston. Be careful who you trust with your heart and emotions
 When I face what I am saying, I can see below the surface that I am a person with alot of qualities that I like. I have a really good sense of humor. I am learning Spanish  . I play 2 instruments.I am very perceptive.Below all this trying to save her and keep  her sane is a PERSON. I am a real person under all the trying to be her personal wastebasket. I volunteered to be her personal garbage bag. I was the one who carried all the fear, and pain for her so she could look O.K.
  I see now that I have to continue my divorce. It has been a week. Already, I feel life coming back into me.I have hope. I have to thank you all from the bottom of my heart and soul for this website.
                                                                                                  With Much Love  Ami

[Ami]

Thanks so much for all the support, love and heartfelt caring on this website

[gratitude28]

Welcome, Ami. I look forward to hearing more from you. If you've just figured this all out, no doubt you are reading every word you can right now. There are many stages to this... Arm yourself with information and be ready for ups and downs.
Love, Beth

[axa]

S&S

This is the way I think about it. NPD'ers are addicts. They are addicted to applause. It is their fix.
They mostly get this from other humans.  Can addicts stop using? Some can, some cant. First
they usually have to hit bottom (?).

This short response describes my experience EXACTLY.  I don't think they hit rock bottom because they always find another source of supply and this rescues them from the bottom.  When I confronted XN with FACTS about his disorder he went to pieces, had a mini breakdown, was depressed, I thought through this process he would start healing but instead he was working away on the sidelines setting up another source of supply.  So even in his depression the addict was finding a new fix.

When would a NPD'er hit bottom? They are experts at getting
people to give them their supply. Furthermore, people are interchangeable to them. It doesnt
matter to them who they use, as long as that applause is there.

This I found so difficult to comprehend, the fact that I meant nothing to him other than supply and another source was just as useful as me.  When I stopped the supply I became NOTHING and that was really what it felt like.  I became invisible and not of any use any longer other than a thing for him to vent his anger and rage.  And act out the hatred he feels in himself.

Maybe some of them do
change. But personally, I have never seen it.

\Me neither.  I cannot see how they can change when they continue to take the drug.

 They cant make them care about others when they
just dont.

AH, this is what I wasted 3.5 years of my life on, trying to make him care..........impossible.

To have a real relationship with their self after years of being in love with their own act,
and denying their own vulnerable self.

Its amazing really how they are so convinced by their own act even though reality challenges it daily.  XN saw himself as some kind of saviour even though he admitted abusing me.  In some twisted way I think he felt he was doing it for my good.... to teach me a lesson.  Like the strict but loving father!!!  I am so glad I am responding to this post because it brings back the madness to me and affirms my correct decision to dump him.

Axa

[cats paw]

Hi Ami,

  If it's ok to ask- how did your husband's surgery go?  If I'm messed up on the timeline, just overlook it, cause I'm playing catch-up on reading the posts.

cats paw