Author Topic: Ever have anyone make, or try to make, you beholden to him/her? FOREVER?  (Read 1635 times)

isittoolate

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Figure out this one who NEVER talks deeply!

The guy who sent me the birthday flowers is now 79 years old and single. He has no personality, or else it is just for men. Women are not attracted to him, but he was my supervisor in ’69 when I was in the crash, and told my Dad to tell me that

1.) my job would be held for me until I was able to return.

I was helpless and

2.) he began coming to see me twice a week, bringing gifts, and every Friday I received fresh flowers from him---one whole year!!

3.) He brought me home from the hospital, picked up my daughter first, to my new apartment and as the evening progressed he said, “It used to be that you could have any man you wanted. Now you can’t but I want you” and proceeded to force me. I could only get him to stop by crying. I kicked him out. He was still my boss. (1970)

4.) Somehow he got back into my life and came twice a week and brought a mickey of rye, but we had nothing to say, so watched TV and drank .Became a habit. He was attaching himself to my daughter and me,  as he had no ‘family’ of his own.

5.) He came every Saturday morning to take me grocery shopping. I finally got up earlier and had it done myself when he came and the hurt look on his face was so visible.

6.) He has spent thousands of dollars on my daughter and me in expensive gifts. For some reason my daughter got along with him, as she met him when she was 6 (but had seen him once at the office before when she was maybe 4?)

7.) When her father died in ’79, this guy pops up with an expensive diamond and a proposal. I turned him down (He said I didn’t have to do anything. We would live in his house..inaccessible….. not mine.. just have a hot meal on the table at 7:00 p.m.

8.) Somehow my daughter and I got stuck going to his family’s place for Xmas and New Year’s, but he had a niece who is my daughter’s age and they got on so well……. ……well..oh he had a nephew that made me look twice. He is a helicopter pilot and still single too. Said nephew is illegitimate and I think it was this man’s way of saying he was okay with my daughter’s illegitimacy.

9.) He has purchased something for my granddaughter that will put her through University.

10.) He sends huge cheques for all MY grandchildren now, for Xmas and birthdays.

11.) I cannot count the times I asked him to, and he did, leave my life because he depressed me, and before I knew he was back in.—weeks—months—but there he was

12.) We were 28 and 38 when I began working for him and now 68 and 78-9  and I will be rid of him only when I die, or he dies.

13.) Last year he sent me the diamond ring and said I could sell it as he didn’t know what to do with it. I forget the appraisal value, $4.000.00? but one cannot sell for that. I sold it for $500.00

14.) Well, lordy lordy. He just called to wish me Happy birthday! and to get my thank you for the call, the flowers, the card etc. His psoriasis is worse than my unnamed rash. He sweats in summer and cannot eat soup. He told me again about his gall bladder from last year. He is working hard. His flowers are blooming in the garden and he gave me the perfect opening to remind him I cannot stand up to see the flowers and cannot get them in one vase and that crap was strewn from my computers desk to the kitchen—there was one flower petal and one leaf that fell off my ‘chair at the comp desk. So I didn’t lie just made my point. Now he is going to send me pre-arranged not over 12” high.

15.) I once asked him what his parents had been like, since there were 9 children and only one of them married. He became angry and said to never say anything about his parents again

He's a curiosity all right!
Izzy
« Last Edit: April 28, 2007, 05:23:41 PM by isittoolate »

Margo

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Figure out this one who NEVER talks deeply!



15.) I once asked him what his parents had been like, since there were 9 children and only one of them married. He became angry and said to never say anything about his parents again

He's a curiosity all right!
Izzy


My first husband used to get all upset if I asked a question about his family.... parents in particular.  His head would turn all red and his neck would swell with bulging arteries and he'd scream and scream.... "DON'T YOU EVER BRING UP MY FAMILY AGAIN!!!!" 

His parents were alcoholics and his mother was cruel and embarrassing.  He was the youngest of 4 children..... I think the parents were over 40 when he came along.  They didn't protect him..... (I'm almost certain he was sexually abused by men/a man at some point) she'd burn them with a cigarette for taking change.... that sort of thing.  I'm told she was crazy but...... I didn't hear it from him.  He tried to present her as having once been good and giving in her life.  His father as having been unhappy and trapped with her.  I know that when his father died from a heart attack..... his/the father's sister screamed at the widow that she was what killed him.  He's very cruel to her in front of people now.... but it's disguised in a terrible kind of humor so you don't exactly put your finger on it immediately.  Just awful. 

Mean and drunk..... innapropriate and stingy...... neglectful of her children and physically abusive might describe her well.  Truly dependant on her children by the time she was 50..... always relying on their friends for her social interaction.  Always drunk and smoking like a chimney.  At the end of the night everyone knew Millie would need a ride home and someone, usually whoever was driving closest to her house, would good naturedly offer to drop her on their way.  I know her son's were repelled by her..... it was usually one of their friends who got stuck. 

Shifty eyed and almost ashamed in demeanor.... but too used to grabbing for herself and caring nothing about anyone else...... that's the impression I got from her.  Good Lord..... she once threw up her top and showed off a pair of very lovely B cups, why I'll never know, lol. it was the middle of the day, lol.  She couldn't have been too drunk.   

I must say, your posts always captivate me on some leve, Isittoolate.  To put up with this man for all these years..... the two sides of him....... such nice things he did for you and then...... so many deal breakers that make him impossible to endure.  Feeling bound to him on some level until one of you has left the earth.  It could be right out of a novel.   

My now dh simply told complete fabrications about his mother.... mainly about how he wants/wanted her to be.  No theatrics, no upset.  Just out and out easily detected lies that had nothing to do with her true nature. 

He also was very invested in letting her know how nice and sweet and kind and easy to get along with I was.....how WE never fought (like she and his father always did.)  I got the impression that might be a punitive act on his part..... towards her?  Or maybe he just told me he said those things to her "all the time."  I hardly think he talked to her much, come to think of it.  Hard to say really.  Margo

isittoolate

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Quote
To put up with this man for all these years..... the two sides of him....... such nice things he did for you and then...... so many deal breakers that make him impossible to endure.  Feeling bound to him on some level until one of you has left the earth.  It could be right out of a novel.   
hi Margo

What a great way of putting this situation!

So if 1st husband didn't want you to talk about his parents, then father sounds not too bad, but Millie was a 'corker'. You just learned by "things said" and observation?

Quote
I must say, your posts always captivate me on some leve, Isittoolate..... Call me Izzy.
It is easier!

Frankly I didn't see any comparison between the men, but appreciate the comments.

It is because I am  so mixed up, as to who I am, that I have so many stories from different eras of my life! I really don't know this man at all and yet, basically, he has been in our lives for 40 Years.   :( I cannot believe that I allowed this!!!!!! I knew he would telephone me today and I planned on not answering---but I was right here and I answered the phone! My feelings toward him border on hatred and on derision!i

Lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Ugh!

Izzy

Margo

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Quote
To put up with this man for all these years..... the two sides of him....... such nice things he did for you and then...... so many deal breakers that make him impossible to endure.  Feeling bound to him on some level until one of you has left the earth.  It could be right out of a novel.   
hi Margo

What a great way of putting this situation!

So if 1st husband didn't want you to talk about his parents, then father sounds not too bad, but Millie was a 'corker'. You just learned by "things said" and observation?

Quote
I must say, your posts always captivate me on some leve, Isittoolate..... Call me Izzy.
It is easier!

Frankly I didn't see any comparison between the men, but appreciate the comments.

It is because I am  so mixed up, as to who I am, that I have so many stories from different eras of my life! I really don't know this man at all and yet, basically, he has been in our lives for 40 Years.   :( I cannot believe that I allowed this!!!!!! I knew he would telephone me today and I planned on not answering---but I was right here and I answered the phone! My feelings toward him border on hatred and on derision!i

Lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Ugh!

Izzy

Yes.... Millie was and still is a corker, lol.  I've heard stories from siblings about it and listened to Millie herself wax on about how badly she treated her darling husband... about their lives.  Everyone says the dad was a very nice (drinking) man. 

I told the first story bc your friend's reaction sounded similar to my first dh's reaction to similar questions about his family.  I wanted you to know what was behind that particular controlling, shamed man.  Just in case you could draw some insights.

I understand about the phone and answering it when you planned not to.  Does it cause you great anxiety when you sometimes to manage to resist, in other cases?  Like when you did your shopping before he arrived?  Did that cause you anxiety to resist giving in to his wishes?  Margo

isittoolate

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Well Margo,
Re the shopping, I felt good about myself that I went (with my daughter) shopped, got the bags into the apartment and put away before he arrived. Then I felt that he would be hurt that I did this. Then I felt that I was entitled to do what I wanted to do. Then I felt that if he was hurt it was because he hadn't conrolled my life that day!  Not anxiety though, as by this time I knew he was somewhat of a wimp and I could beat him up if I chose to--<grin>

All of this is very difficult when the someone is "supposedly nice", means well, but doesn't know from a walnut what really to do in a situation like this with me. Was he trying to be a hero??? I don't know.

There was a time I feelt beholden to him, but after dumping him a few times I just saw him as a bearer for punishment!

Izzy

dandylife

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Izzy,
He sounds really clueless as to how to have a respectful, equal and loving relationship. He's probably too set in his ways to ever change. Only if you wanted to have a relationship would it be worth spending the time to "groom" this person. But it sounds like you've made up your mind! You know just what you want  - which is for him to leave you alone.

"This relationship is not working for me anymore. Don't call and don't come over anymore."

or... (if you decided something like this is okay)....

"I don't see you as a romantic partner, but I sometimes enjoy your company. Let's have dinner once a month, ok?"

Sometimes bossy pushy people only know how to respond to authoritative statements.

Love,
Dandylife
"All things not at peace will cry out." Han Yun

"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

BonesMS

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What about Caller ID and Call Blocking?

Bones
Back Off Bug-A-Loo!

isittoolate

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Thank you dandy, S+S and bones,

This is a man who likely wouldn't hurt a flea.

He just doesn't have a clue, and is lonely I suspect, goes about everything the wrong way, never asking, just doing, and probably expects he is doing it right (re relationships).

I thought I would write about him since he's been hanging around for 40 years.

He is an Accountant and is quite rich and I suspect he feels he can 'buy' people.

I would never block his calls, but I can refuse to answer. Been there, done that and he keeps tryinhg until he gets me----lives 2000  miles away. I expect there is a weird name for his disorder and only because he is 78 (79 in Dec) and I don't even have to attend his funeral so far away, I can take time out to 'chat' with him twice a year (my birthday and Xmas)

I think he thinks we were made for each other but he cannot see the truth, and if it is his expectation, he couldn't be further from the truth.

He is the youngest of 9 children, with 3 still alive..... him, a 79 yr old sister and an 81 yr old sister.

He is just a "character" and gave me a story to write.

Love Izzy