Just want to start with a hello to everyone who was here along with me when I first came to this board.
My life has made so much more sense since I came here and struggled through the crazy land of discovering NPD. To all the newcomers here, keep up the good work!!! It's your life, and it's worth it.
I just needed to reach out tonight to the people I know would understand.
My mother's birthday is tomorrow, and I can't remember the last time I spoke to her. I'm pretty sure it's been over a year. I don't know where she is either, although I get reports from various people who know her from time to time. Beyond that, I have her email address and a last known location, but that's it.
I had a dream about her last night that has left me feeling so blue. She's dangerous, I know that now. She made me so sick with anxiety that I started ending up in the hospital with anxiety-related illnesses. I found myself literally having to choose between my life and her. Thankfully, I chose my life.
But I don't know where my mother is, and while I know she's a survivor, her life makes me so sad. I want so badly to reach out to her and tell her Happy Birthday. I want her to know that she's loved (there are parts of me that are still capable of loving her). But I can't. I know I can't. There's no such thing as reaching out to an NPD to do something nice. There's a price, and the price is my health.
But I worry about her. In my dream, she was living in squalor, and she was surrounded by people who were unkind to her. I felt horrible (that feeling has lingered with me all day). At some point the dream changed to realizing that she had my cat, and I had to save him. She criticized me for being so worried about him. I doubted myself. I looked around and saw several emaciated dying cats. I came to my senses and realized that's where he would end up and I had to save him. I was making arrangements to get out of there and calling friends for help when I woke up.
All day I've felt this terrible ache for the cats there that I didn't save (they weren't mine, I only had the energy to save my cat) and for my mother, who is lost to me and lost to the world. I wish I could reach out to her so that she's not alone on her birthday - but I know she's not alone. There's always someone in her life taking care of her.
It's just so sad, and I didn't know where to put my feelings other than here, because I can't let myself reach out to her. I'm not ready and I'm not sure if I ever will be.
Wildflower
