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Normal N behavior?

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el:
I am pretty sure that my mother is a N but am confused about it as well.  I am new to this so excuse my ignorance on the subject.  I have just ordered a couple of books and have started researching the subject extensively.  I was physically, emotionally, verbally, (believe it or not, even to some extent sexually!) abused by her during my entire growing up years.  She continues the abuse to this day (verbal, emotional).  But, I come from a family of 8 other siblings and one thing that she would do and continues to do is pit us against the other.  Some of us were abused and some were not.  This is one of the maddening aspects of this.  Not that I would want anyone else in my family to receive the same treatment as me but it adds to her "crazy making" of me.  When I try to talk about why, after a N episode,   "I just can't talk to my mother right now" to one of my siblings, some of them "just don't get it" as it does not happen to them.  I have one sister in particular who my mother favors.  She has two children who my mother considers "hers" (not kidding, she even had the oldest calling her mommy for a while.  My sister just shrugged it off as "crazy mom acting silly").  Is this a N trait?  Can someone still be N but treat some people fine and pinpoint who they will attack, gaining the support from those that are not attacked i.e. my mother will tell a non abused sibling that  "el is so mean to me" after she instigates to no end and I finally say one thing to stand up for myself.  Whatever it is that I say is used against me in her campaign to smear me.  But another siblling can say/ do the same thing and she ignores it or laughs or whatever.  Really, am I going crazy here?  Is this normal N behavior?

Philski60:
Hi El,

Welcome to this wonderful resource.  I am fairly new to this too and really identified to what you described in this post.  What I'm finding out is if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and smells like a duck, it very likely is one.  

Researching NPD is how I have been getting greater understanding of what I've grown up with most of my life with a father who is classic.  I still love the man yet must, for my own welfare create healthy boundaries with him.  Easier said than done but getting easier as time goes on.  

Good luck in your own research.  This is a site that for me has been a powerful place to come for acceptance, understanding, and knowledge.  

Philski :D

rosencrantz:
There's a whole process to go through but, I think, el, that one day you may be able to find a similar perspective to that of your sister.

That doesn't mean that your mom doesn't 'do' the things to you that she does do - but it's about personality and just generally 'who we are' in relation to each other.

Just knowing that doesn't lighten the load, and it doesn't save you from a challenging process of discovery, but it may help to know that it's just possible to find a better 'space' in relation to her (even if it means staying away).

It also doesn't mean that your siblings aren't denying the pain of some of the stuff your mother has done in the past but if they've found a way of handling it and it doesn't cause pain for them (edited - I had written 'her' in error) in the present, then I guess that's all that matters for them.

Oh, and yes - setting brothers and sisters off against each other is very 'N'!!  And manipulating you until you 'bite' is another.  The only answer is not to get hooked in (easier said than done and requires lots of practice!!!)

There's a good chance that she's treating you like someone from her own past, sees that person in you - any idea who that might be???
R

el:
Philski,  thanks for the warm welcome!  It's so nice to have found this board.   The more I read about it, there is no doubt that both my MIL and BIL are N's.  Full blown, textbook cases.  And my own mother looks more and more that way.  I've been trying to figure her out for over 30 years.  

rosencrantz, Thank you for your post as well!  Very interesting perspective.  

"Oh, and yes - setting brothers and sisters off against each other is very 'N'!! And manipulating you until you 'bite' is another. "  I did not know these were N traits.  I'm still confused about something, though.  Some of my siblings weren't abused at all.  I and my oldest sister got the brunt of it.  Also she is extremely personable to people outside of the family.  Can N's totally put on a different face for different people to the point that noone would believe what she did to me if I told them.  They would seriously think I were making it up.  For the entire time I lived in my parents house she tried to "snuff me out".  That's how it felt.  That whenever I had the slightest amount of self esteem start to bud she would attack me until I was a nothing again.  But she wasn't like this to the other kids.  Is it still N ?

"There's a good chance that she's treating you like someone from her own past, sees that person in you - any idea who that might be??? "  Wow, it's funny you should say this because my therapist said the exact same thing!  I know that I look like her probably more than anyone else in the family does but that my personality is very different.  I've been trying to figure out who it could be that I remind her of.  I've always been shy and she's as outgoing as it gets.  In fact, it was my shyness and perceived "weakness" that she pounced on.  Constantly saying how un-shy the other kids were and how it was bad to be shy.  Yet, whenever I asserted myself, I was shot down (through beatings, verbal abuse, etc.) Is this a N trait as well?  To squash a child's personality/spirit?    -E

Survivor:
Hi El,

Welcome to the board.  You are NOT crazy, but I can relate to how you feel since I was also the target one for my Nmother.  I was told this by a  counselor:

A WITNESS TO ABUSE IS A VICTIM OF ABUSE :shock:

It was always hard for me to fathom that my sister (who was treated much kinder than I was) could possibly be a "victim" from watching me get the brunt of everything.  However, years later, I can see that she also suffered from just being a bystander to the abuse.

Hope this helps!  :)

Survivor

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