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Normal N behavior?

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Wildflower:
Hi el,

Welcome!!! :D


--- Quote ---Can someone still be N but treat some people fine and pinpoint who they will attack, gaining the support from those that are not attacked i.e. my mother will tell a non abused sibling that "el is so mean to me" after she instigates to no end and I finally say one thing to stand up for myself.
--- End quote ---


Part of what make an N an N is that they simply can’t help being an N.  In other words, I don’t think it’s possible for them to abuse one person and not another.  I do think it’s possible that they get different needs satisfied from different people/personalities, though.  My mother had two brothers, and they were all treated radically differently on the surface, but they all suffered deeply.  I’m not that close to the oldest brother, so I can’t speak for him, but I know that the younger brother was idolized – practically a substitute husband – by my grandmother, whereas my mother was mercilessly beaten down.

I’m just suggesting that you may not be able to see how they were hurt, and it may be that they can’t either, if it was subtle enough.  Or even if there weren't punches (physical or emotional) involved.  Hope that helps.

Good luck in your reading.  This can be pretty scary stuff sometimes, but there are plenty of good people here to help sort out the ickier issues.

Wildflower

rosencrantz:

--- Quote ---Can N's totally put on a different face for different people to the point that noone would believe what she did to me if I told them
--- End quote ---


Yes!!!

It was learning that the feeling/thought 'nobody would believe me' is central to this issue that set me on the trail!!

Lots more 'yes' answers for you!!

I suggest taking time to read past posts - it will be worth the investment of time.  You'll find your experience reflected here time and again.
R

write:
the narcissist is looking for particular attention to boost the false self.

They are not interested in real intimacy but that is where they suck people in- making them believe that a real connection is taking place. Except they are pretending and don't care about you, only about the way they are reflected by you.

They can't care- their own anguish and inner turmoil and the search for people & situations to bolster the projected self which is all they can bear of themselves takes up all their energy.

It's not personal, they will treat anyone who will feed their narcissism the same.

But it feels doubly hurtful to realise the n has yet again swung things round to them and especially that special moments between you meant nothing to them.

A narcissist won't even squirm when you confront them and try to tell them how they made you feel. They will simply analyse very critically what you are saying and feeling, or they will try to turn things back to them, or they will walk away ( and most likely have forgotten it next time you meet )

write:
It's not personal, they will treat anyone who will feed their narcissism the same.

to expand on that: as you and others point out there is some reason why you particularly are a target to give narcissistic attention.
Are you the brightest, the prettiest, the most like a significant person to them?
A narcissist wants the best narcissistic attention, from the source closest to their ideal.

el:
Survivor,  thanks for the welcome!  You are absolutely right.  A witness to abuse is also a victim.  My entire family is "messed up" by my N mother even though we were all treated much differently.  

Wildflower, thanks for the reply.  Something you said really cautht my attention:  
"Part of what make an N an N is that they simply can’t help being an N. In other words, I don’t think it’s possible for them to abuse one person and not another."    

I've literally spent hours reading these threads (mostly while my kids were sleeping).  But for whatever reason, the reasoning of a N still is just beyond my grasp.  Are you saying that a N is compelled to hurt people?  Or is it just to extract supply?  Are all N's sadistic?  I know that this was not what you were saying exactly (I'm not trying to put words in your mouth) but your response really made me think about this.

rosencrantz,  
"It was learning that the feeling/thought 'nobody would believe me' is central to this issue that set me on the trail!! "  

I am SO glad that you posted this because I have felt this same way all of my life!

"I suggest taking time to read past posts - it will be worth the investment of time. You'll find your experience reflected here time and again. "

I took your advice and have spent hours reading.  Very enlightening!

Guest,

"as you and others point out there is some reason why you particularly are a target to give narcissistic attention."
I think that I give them the most undivided attention or something.  I'm not too sure.  Definately lots to ponder though.  Thank you! -E

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