A very wise counselor told me once that when you confront someone who is in denial, you can expect increased denial, plus rage.
She also said that the reaction is usually stronger when they are in denial about their own problem, than when they are in denial about someone else's.
If I were to tell someone I believe is an unrecovering alcoholic that I thought this of them, I'd be accused of defamation, undermining, who all knows what else. But the bottom line is - the person is mean, they get meaner when they drink, and they drink so they can have an excuse to be mean. What other conclusion can I draw?
A few years back I worked with a woman who was constantly advertising her goodness to the world. She coordinated the annual charity drive, ran the holiday party planning, etc. etc. etc. She was also the most incredibly vicious and manipulative backstabber I've ever seen in my life. Vindictive, sleeping with her boss, and so sensitive to narcissistic injury that if you got on the elevator before she did, she'd hold it against you forever. All the while smiling in your face and telling you how much she just loooooved puppies and small children [I never asked whether she preferred them baked or broiled, but I wanted to. Badly.] Ugh, makes me shudder just thinking about her.
The bottom line, I think, is that people have to learn for themselves; this requires that they experience the actual consequences of their narcissism, or other dysfunction; and that requires that we stop enabling them. It's much much harder to stop enabling someone than it is to tell them what we think is wrong with them - because telling them what's wrong with them is something you can do in a single sentence. To stop enabling them requires constant awareness and self-control.
Also, confronting someone in denial easily becomes a Karpman Triangle move, it can become Persecution getting ready to make them a Victim. I think this is why people invented interventions. One person doing it alone usually won't work. A group doing it is still dangerous if it becomes scapegoating. An intervention is a very serious and delicate operation. You need the equivalent of a surgeon to make sure it turns out 'right' and does no more damage than was already there.
Long winded, and my opinion, but I think you'd do better to concentrate on getting yourself out of the mess; not enabling mama any more than you have to; and letting her figure it out, if she can...
PS: Just saw Axa's response as I was previewing this. Yes, they will admit it. I walked my mother through an analysis of why her behavior and expectations were inappropriate a hundred times or more. She agreed with everything, and it changed nothing.
That's a tactic. Nod, agree, cry, promise to change, do nothing. Let us wear ourselves out, it saves them having to. When they apologize, take responsibility, and actually behave differently, then you're seeing progress. But not until then.
