Validation for parenting?

[cats paw]

Hello All,

  I don't have any children, but I know that a lot of you do, and I'm so glad to see that having difficult parents yourself does not preclude doing things better for your own children.

  I was wondering if any of you have ever wanted validation from your children, in a direct way, not just the fruits of your labor way,
as to yourself and/or your parenting?  If so, how did you ask for it?  How did your children respond?

cats paw

[Overcomer]

I do not get much validation from my kids and sometimes I get invalidation from my teen agers.  But I do not mind-it it their job to be selfish.  It is MY job to validate them.  I am not the best parent since I was not taught to be but I do show them love!

[Gaining Strength]

I ditto much of what overcomer said.  I don't expect validation. I do expect to validate.  One of my areas of great weaknesses as a parent is that I get angry and frustrated quickly and my child is very sensitive.  But I am cognizant of that and continually work to improve.

[Hopalong]

I was raised to be grateful...sometimes I wish for that, but then I think, that's not unconditional love is it, if you want to be thanked. So I don't think she should have to validate me, that's my job.

Anyway, this has nothing to do with me, but my D is taking her GREs (like SATs, but for grad school) tomorrow, and I am so happy for her. She struggled so hard, with her father's death and some terrible experiences she had afterward for several years (bad choices, but driven by grief).

If any of you think of it, would you send a prayer or friendly vibe of support to her?

love
Hops

[CB123]

yes, I will, Hops!

It is quite an accomplishment to have made it to the point of GRE's.  You should be very proud of her.

Love

CB

[cats paw]

Hi Hops-

   What are your D's career aspirations?  Just to let you know vibes got sent upon reading.

Cat

[tayana]

I don't ask for my son's validation.  That's what my mom did to me all of the time.  I had to make her feel good, and I hated it.  I try to validate him, but this gets really hard sometimes, especially when he's being difficult.

[debkor]

Hops,

Oh Oh,  sending lots of vibes you D's way.  I'm rooting for her!!!

Love
Deb

[NewMe]

I'm radiating hopeful vibes for your daughter, Hops!

About validation . . . I get tons of it from my children, even though they're small . . . so many sweet moments of "I love you, Mom," or "you're the best, Mom." They make me glow.

But I NEVER ask for their praise or "guide" them into it, because my Nmom always demanded praise and attention for her supposedly phenomenal parenting skills. In fact, she's created this whole family mythology, in which every event is rewritten and slanted to make her the heroine. Eeek.

[Hopalong]

Hi CB, Cat, Deb, and NewMe:

Thanks so much, it must've worked! She appears to have gotten through the test in one piece and is calmly go about applications. I'm so pleased for her.

The undergrad dept. she studied in most was Justice and Policy Studies, her major was Criminal Justice. For 2 years she was in a program of tutoring inmates to get their GEDs for a while. In the last year she found many of her courses were also attended by people in law enforcement, so she's learning all sides of the issue. She also has a great fondness for Poly Sci and African Studies.

I have no CLUE what she'll wind up doing. She's mentioned college teaching, so who knows? Meanwhile I hold an internal vision: she'll be the warden of a vegetarian prison where they run guide-bunny training programs.

 
Hops

[Margo]

I don't know about validation but...... sometimes I just want a big cool cheeked hug with chubby arms from my wee ones.  They usually give it up with great joy....and that's validation enough for me.  Esp when the hugs come out of nowhere and surprise me. 

Margo

[teartracks]

cats paw, hi   ,

I haven't expected validation from my children.   Except for a few times with my youngest, I never felt they withheld validation from me.  Kids will be kids, so I think with them, you have to look at the intent.  If I thought my child was consciously withholding validation from me, it would hurt.   My daughter and I talk.  We really talk about anything and everything.  We talk of the good, the bad and the indifferent.  Being able to talk about and through things brings validation for both of us, I think. without either of us being  consciously aware of it. 

tt

[debkor]

Hops,


That is great news.  Very exciting for both of you.  Who knows what ever she will choose to be (profession) but whatever she does I'm sure she'll be great at it. 

Love
Deb

[CB123]

Meanwhile I hold an internal vision: she'll be the warden of a vegetarian prison where they run guide-bunny training programs.

Hops!  You're so funny!

What do you think of her interests?  Does it seem kinda dangerous to you?  Sounds exciting, cutting edge, humanitarian. 

Kinda like her mom, I think!

CB

[Hopalong]

Hi CB,
Sometimes I do worry. She has taken big risks in her life. She thinks the FBI might reject her due to some of her "wild side" walks. But I don't know... Also, her Dad was in the Peace Corps in Senegal, and as she misses him so, I think she might do that one day...but for now, it's grad school. She seems so happy and relieved now that the GRE is behind her. She's also mentioned college teaching. I think she'd like to contribute to prison reform, abolition of capital punishment, etc.

Yesterday in coffee hour I met a woman who teared up when I said Happy Mothers Day...her 23 y/o daughter (Peace Corps) was murdered in Kenya in the 80s. Poor woman.

But more than worry, I am happy for my D. She is not going to have a dull life. And I have learned my de-enmeshment lesson, so now her calls feel like messages from a delightful interesting young adult whom I love but have no desire to manage. We're both liking that a lot better!

love
Hops