Hi all,
Anyone have thoughts on ethical responsibility?
I left my N husband several weeks ago. Actually, he moved out of the house and into an apartment closer to his employment. I am in our home with our daughter (age16).
He is stuggling emotionally. He is sad, angry, he feels disrespected and mistreated. I suppose that these emotions he is experiencing are fairly normal during a divorce transition.
For the many years we were married, I came to know that he is an emotionally needy, maybe even emotionally unstable person. (His family has a history of mental illness) He struggles with life in so many ways.... He perceives many of his interactions with people as a threatening... things that people say.... in particular things I said, were perceived by N to be an attack. He has panic attacts at night. He twists his perception of life so much that he frequently misses reality by a wide margin. He feels as though he must work and work and work to be successful. He feels that people do not respect him.
My role in our marriage was to prop him up, talk him down, calm him. I steadied him when he was emotionally shakey. I calmed him when he had a panic attact at night. I encouraged him and helped him find reality when he got lost in his mind.
Because of his many other N characteristics, we had few friends. He had difficult relationship with his family. They are all cool, distant, N-like people who are far more concerned with telling you their latest, greatest accomplishment, than listening to how you might feel.
I was his sole connection. I am the one who did the calming, steadying... and right now he is falling apart. On one hand, I am releaved to be out of the situation. Our relationship was damaging to me. With the change, I feel freedom, hope, a beginning sense of happiness. I do not miss him. I have not once longed to be back together.
On the other hand, I am concerned about N. I was his "caretaker" for so many years that I continue to feel the responsibility. If he really is mentally ill. If his emotional and mental problems continue to grow after our divorce... if he hurts himself. If he falls apart. What is my ethical and moral responsibility to this man that I cared for for so many years? In this world of disconnected, self-serving people... what responsibility do we have to the people we marry? To the people in our lives who are incredibly difficult and destructive, but who have tremendous needs of their own? Where is the line?
struggling with my heart,
lynn