Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
And then, there was silence . . .
rosencrantz:
I have the same experience as Portia but I've put the phone down on my mother cos she just won't STOP having a go at me. And I've set it as a boundary now. You pick at me, I give you one warning and then put the phone down.
And I do the same thing as Lisbeth with sales calls but I can never remember the name of the list we're on and I'm less polite (!). They get around it these days with a slightly hurt and dignified 'This is not a sales call, madam' (cos if you're 'marketing' it's not the same as 'selling'). Weaselly words!!! Same thing, mate - bugger off!!!
Ah, that felt good!! :wink:
R
seeker:
Hi everybody,
When I was emotionally overwhelmed at school, I would call home for some support. If my father answered, he would get this tight tone in his voice before handing the phone to my mother as soon as he could. He just cannot handle the feelings of anyone he is related to :( . And he is in a counseling profession :shock: . I felt so unsupported and abandoned.
And yeah, the megaN would keep talking even if I hinted I needed to go. I now know that in addition to the powerplay of who gets to hang up first, it was also an attempt to avoid being alone. This N cannot bear to be alone. So it's sort of like a relay: I'll hang onto you until someone else shows up, then you can go.
As for telesales, I now just hang up. I consider it an invasion of my home. I feel empowered to just cut off the noise pollution. I wonder if that is how our Ns feel about us when they hang up :?
Ciao, Seeker
el123:
Redrose,
I have the same situation as Rosencrantz. My MIL and mother both keep me on the phone disregarding that I have stuff to do, opinions that they never ask about, etc. It's all about what they have the need to unload on me or talk about. Especially my mother. I usually have to say bye 5 or so times (no exaggeration). I have HAD to hang up on her as she just keeps on talking even if I'm late going somewhere, am in the middle of something, etc. She has absolutely no regard for boundaries.
But my MIL hangs up on my H all the time when she doesn't get what she wants, if he tries to set boundaries, or says anything that she does not like. Just like Jacmac wrote, she waits for him to call back and does not even answer. He used to feel so bad about it and leave her a voice message apologizing (even though he was nice to her on the phone. She just didn't LIKE what he had to say). Then he'd call her back later on that night to "make sure she was ok". She totally used hanging up on him as a manipulative ploy to get him to feel bad then lavish her with attention yet he'd feel like $%#@ for the entire day.
-El
clj_writes:
Phone etiquette with my folks:
1. Both must be on the phone with me at the same time. On the rare occasions my mother has called solo, she tells DH it's Mrs. J____. Neither of my parents ever told DH what to call them. Well, it's only been 9 years, I best give it time. ;) I informed them we were going to start calling them by their first names and my mom said, "I still want to be somebody's Mother". Whatever the heck that means!
2. They control when the calls are made. Often when I call them, they insist on calling back (sometimes immediately). Sometimes I call them and they don't answer even though they are home. They don't have an answering machine, either. Perhaps I annoy them by trying them a bunch of times when they aren't answering. ;)
3. They talk like I'm not there. "We should probably let her go now." I used to protest this one-- not any more! :D They also squabble like I'm not there.
4. We talk about nothing of substance. The weather, sports (not interested), our jobs, gardening, medical stuff. My father the workaholic asked me about my "hobbies" a while back. Oh, you mean my hobby of figuring out how to live an authentic life??? I can't tell them about my interests or I'd get major negativity back. It's just not worth it.
5. Typically I get off the phone agitated. They don't listen, they don't hear me, and even though I know this, I still get frustrated. It gets me that you all know me better in roughly two weeks than they have in 41 years!
6. No hang-ups. Ever. The universe would explode if that ever happened. It's all about maintaining the illusion that all is well between us all. Makes me sick. :(
Rojo:
Hi, RedRose
Yes, I too have had to deal with the phone being hung up on me by my N mother. It infuriates me because it is such an in my face statement on her part that what I have to say, and what I feel have no bearing on anything at all in her opinion.
The time I can remember clearly was when I asked her about the latest details concerning my father's estate and investigation surrounding his death. (They'd been divorced for 15 years by the way) Classic her, she was very vague, even though she knew a whole lot more than she was prepared to divulge to me...simply because she wanted to hold all the cards, regardless of the fact that the information she had, had a direct bearing on me and my recovery after his loss. I pressed the issue firmly but nicely and she in turn blasted me viciously and did not allow me to speak at all, then hung up. I was so hurt and outraged at her lack of humanity. I had tried to convey to her that I realized his death was hard on all of us but she could not process that. It was all about her and the needs of her kids didn't matter.
Knowing how crucially important these details were to me, and that she was the only person who knew the details, she instead opted to send the information to me via postcard years later!!! :evil: Pathetic, sick little power trip. I'm sure my Dad was turning in his grave over that one. It just turned my stomach.
God bless,
Rojo
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