Recognising sabotage

[WRITE]

I have seen through a colleague situation today when a women's hostility was so obvious to something I was saying, the person I was talking to drew attention to it thinking she was the target!

I actually saw her for what she was last week when one of my concerts got sabotaged a little by her actions, I wasn't sure it was deliberate but this is the second time in a big public setting she has tried to set me at a disadvantage so my guard was up a little.

Last year she 'forgot' to organise posters so there was no audience...she was terribly apologetic.

It's funny they really wanted me to do this project but like many things it has got too successful and drawn a lot of attention and praise for me.

How I hate this aspect of achieving, in fact I think it's one reason I tend to underachieve, because I can't cope with people's jealousy or competitiveness.

How do other people deal with it?

It felt like a knife wound today when suddenly I saw not only that this was the person with the knife in my back but also she has been acting like it was one of her employees I have had tons of problems with, to keep working through them then find something else reared up. Now I know why....

Do I walk away? I hardly get paid anything by this organisation, another way of trying to push me out I suspect.

It's ironic isn't it, I've worked so hard there because I wanted to prove I could and all I have done is increase the suspicion and hostility against me from this one woman. What a repeat of the pattern with my mother, trying to do better and better and being hated worse and worse.

It's no surprise if I also say- the woman is out of her depth in the job and not great at managing staff; but in the time I have been there lo and behold the staff have come round to me and reduced hostility and very friendly and supportive of me now.

I have watched this woman go from being pleasant and kind as an assistant to a manager and now she is always machinating in the background and bitching and stirring things.

Is there any way around this? Could I have forseen it and forestalled it? I did treat the woman as an ally when I was trying to get the other woman to cooperate and help me, and she has seen me handle a few difficult situations and pull things together.

I tend to hide my light under a bushel anyway because I don't like competing, but when I've been somewhere a while it's hard not to shine at your best skills.

Why are people so horrible to each other???? Isn't life hard enough....

Should I just walk away? I usually do in the face of aggression but something is telling me I have to learn how to cope with it, not everyone will like me no matter how hard I try.

[James73]

Hey Write, yes we have to stand up for ourselves more and demand respect from others, if not respect from N's (as really who would want their respect eek!) then we must at least ensure we bristle enough to make sure they'll think twice about crossing us, gaining a kind of begrudging respect or fear perhaps. If you like what you do dont let this turd of a person push you out, if its worth fighting for get aggressive with them without apology, when I say aggressive I mean just be cold and ensure that you stick to your boundaries - if they get nasty then get nasty back perhaps? or maybe just chilling badly suppressed anger? may work but others may think of another alternative which would suit better. The jealousy thing is a tough one, Ive recently realised some of my friends can be quite jealous without even knowing it, its just who they are and how they treat me, however now Ive become more boundary orientated and happier in myself I just choose to ignore them as its their problem not mine, in fact it makes me strive to do whatever they're jealous about more and to achieve more as a jealous comment seeks to pull us down and to stop us achieving what they cant. Also if the comment keeps being said I laugh it off and make a joke out of it perhaps at their expense, not in a nasty way but jokily, they soon shut up when they see it doesnt effect you anymore. The competitive thing is an issue with me as Ive always been perhaps a bit too competitive myself, but again now Im happier and more relaxed I am less bothered about being first and winning at all costs, in fact its kinda nice just to chill out, if people are competitive then its best to just ignore them and dont strive to compete at their level or their game, just do what you do and what you like doing and everything will work out nicely and you will stay happy too 

Also some people cant be managers, they dont have the skills, they dont know how to motivate or reprimand and end up becoming bitter and twisted, this is not your issue its theirs, be firm with them or just ignore their madness completely. Ive seen nice people turn into gits as they think thats how you manage, well its how N's manage and perhaps thats where they learn it, or they are managing an N and cant tell the difference so treat everyone badly rather than risk getting taken for a ride, quite understandable and typical in any city office situation.

Your right too write  everyone cant like us and who would want to be liked by an N, that was definitely my past mistake, now however I look forward to being hated by an N as it will mean that I am getting under their sad skin and hopefully it will lead to them chucking themselves off a bridge and doing us all a favour  Seriously though some people are horrible and those are the people we want to be horrible to us as they are horrible people and if we're liked by a horrible person that can only mean that we are in some way sanctioning their evil ways either by saying nothing, by laughing at their sick jokes or by backing them up eek! 
I hope you can sort things out
in support
James

[Alice]

Do I walk away? I hardly get paid anything by this organisation, another way of trying to push me out I suspect.

No way! don't walk away.  take your gift to another place where they appreciate you and pay decently. 

Keep your guard up and enforce your boundaries.

good luck.
Alice

[Stormchild]

Write - people with narcissistic tendencies are everywhere. Unfortunately, there are a lot of hypercompetitive, petty people in little positions of power.

Leaving because you are fed up with their petty shyte only guarantees that you will be that much more fed up when you encounter the next batch. Because the next batch is already being cemented firmly in place at the next place you'd be working at.

Trust me on this.

If you leave, try to leave because you realize you can do far, far better elsewhere, and you deserve to. It's the same exact thing as being fed up with petty shyte, but reframed so the focus is on going to something better rather than away from something lousy.

You may do best to go to work for whatever these  people consider their competitors to be, if you can. If this woman is as much of an N as she appears to be, she is going to feel competitive with - and be hostile to representatives of - another similar organization. Even if you're talking nursing homes and hospices.

Go work for her competition. It will give you satisfaction without requiring a breach of ethics.

[Sheeeva]

If you leave, try to leave because you realize you can do far, far better elsewhere, and you deserve to. It's the same exact thing as being fed up with petty shyte, but reframed so the focus is on going to something better rather than away from something lousy.

Yes, I agree! Leave because they are under appreciating you and you know that you can do better somewhere else! You should let your light shine full force, be nice as pie to Everyone including backstabber, always take responsibility for your mistakes, and stop letting sabotagers reflect on you. If they mess up, don't take responsibility for it! Have firm boundaries, stand strong, and remember that their mistakes are not your responsibility! If you feel that repressed in your current workplace go somewhere else, where they will pay you what you are worth! Do your homework, find out what your skills are worth, learn to negotiate for more money, whatever it takes! You sound like a really smart cookie! There is a place somewhere out there where you will be appreciated for your talents. I finally found a profession that I love, and when you find something that you can do, that you also love the world becomes a brighter place! If you already love what you do, then find a place and a set of people that you love to do it at!  Don't waste your life being unhappy!!!!!!!

[WRITE]

I feel weird, like something is happening I can't sense and I am being somehow pushed out....maybe they don't want my programme any more and this is the passive-aggressive way of quashing it without having to be up front?

some people cant be managers, they dont have the skills, they dont know how to motivate or reprimand and end up becoming bitter and twisted, this is not your issue its theirs, be firm with them or just ignore their madness completely. Ive seen nice people turn into gits as they think thats how you manage,

thanks James, i think this is very much the case here, incompetence and lack of people skills and particularly assertiveness/ communication...this woman has become a prize b*tch and then wonders why everyone around her is behaving badly.

I'll try and do as you say, avoid their games.

take your gift to another place where they appreciate you and pay decently.

thanks Alice. The sad thing is this is a support group where people are going through some serious stuff- bereavement, cancer, partners with alzheimers.... I've been running it for three years with genuine empathy and the people I work with act like they couldn't care less and 'we shouldn't pander to people'. They just don't have the mindset to work a supportive environment. The woman I hve been working with for 18 months doesn't even know people's names or background, and she has brought more of her own issues to the group than enough but is unsympathetic for anyone else. I really do care, sometimes that's a mistake in corporate culture, it's all just glossy-brochure b/s.

Go work for her competition. It will give you satisfaction without requiring a breach of ethics.

it's interesting Storm, I suspect that the organisation doesn't work really, it's a bit of a sinecure. And here I am doing real work not pretend work...I think I am makign other people look bad because I have more ideas than them also they resent that I go straight to the director which I wouldn't have had to do if they had been more cooperative in the first place. I haven't complained about them or caused any trouble, but nor will I shut up and go away either.

You should let your light shine full force, be nice as pie to Everyone including backstabber, always take responsibility for your mistakes, and stop letting sabotagers reflect on you. If they mess up, don't take responsibility for it! Have firm boundaries, stand strong, and remember that their mistakes are not your responsibility! If you feel that repressed in your current workplace go somewhere else, where they will pay you what you are worth! Do your homework, find out what your skills are worth, learn to negotiate for more money, whatever it takes! You sound like a really smart cookie! There is a place somewhere out there where you will be appreciated for your talents. I finally found a profession that I love, and when you find something that you can do, that you also love the world becomes a brighter place! If you already love what you do, then find a place and a set of people that you love to do it at!  Don't waste your life being unhappy!!!!!!!

wow Sheeva, great advice. I felt empowered just reading that. I do try to rise above it and not let petty politics stand in the way of what needs to be done, but I guess I am unrealistic in thinking other people will all see what I am trying to do and help. I've had more than enough success at that already, but this one woman sabateur- I told her I might be looking for a job; I guess insecure people hear 'I want your job'.

I have always underachieved though because whenever this happens, jealousy, competetiveness, nastiness, I always back off and act like it's my fault.

There's a lesson in it all somewhere....and it's strange that i was so humble there for so long and it's only been the last few months when I have really shone and enjoyed my achievements that the people turned nasty. But not all of them- just the two insecure ones.

And one of the other really good employess is having the same problems too, being pushed into doing not what she wants and loves but into doing the donkey work for incompetent boss lady.

It took me a long time to figure out what was going on--every time I started to succeed, it felt like I was dragging a ball and chain.  I realized that I was downplaying my success and poking fun at my own abilities.  All to make her feel less threatened.

yes, CB it's like you're encouraged to work hard- but don't be too good or people will resent it....

And she really was dear to me.

and that's the other thing which is strange in America, how people often turn on you when you're their friend and they feel secure. Friend means a different thing here, I think it would be friendly in the UK.

I am so pathetically easy to take advantage of, once I am emotionally attached it's like I stop setting boundaries and expectations for the other person. I think that because there is affection or love there will be mutual respect, but maybe I have just been unlucky lately but I keep bumping into people with huge entitlement who only want me to do what they want me to do.

Something inside me screams 'detach' about a few of my relationships and situations right now, of course, that's a major problem for me still....

What do you do Sheeva? I love my work too. Too much, it seems...

[Margo]

I think you should stay if you like the job..... leave if you don't.  If you leave...... practice asserting yourself on this person a bit first, lol.  Use this as an opportunity to cut your teeth on defending yourself so you aren't picked out as someone others can gershlappity around for fun and reasons that have nothing to do with you. 

This person should have to defend her actions and words in front of outsiders.  Ask her why she did whatever she did or said whatever she said.... in front of a crowd.  Preferably the BOSS.  Then smille and look interested as she tries to answer.  Keep asking her questions and keep listening. 

BTW.... what is it you do on stage.... I'm very interested to know.  Sorry if you already explained somewhere..... I'm behind on reading posts: )   Margo

[WRITE]

aren't picked out as someone others can gershlappity around for fun

I think this qualifies as quote of the week Margo!!!!

I've handled it via email, good honest traceable recordable email.

Told her I don't want it to degenerate into me being pushed out and another drama ( there was one just 2 weeks ago so it's fresh in their minds yet ) and said I will step down in a gentle structured way if I feel things are going well without me over the summer and asked for her help to support that.

Her reply was that she will try 

Well she will or I'll point it out that she's not....y'all are right that moving out doesn't mean I have to be disempowered or hurt about it; I can do it in my own way and how i feel is best.

To be honest I am not convinced they even want to keep the project, so I won't be surprised if later it ends.

Thank you all for helping me reframe this.

what is it you do on stage....

I am a freelance musician ( and writer, but my writing never makes much money yet ) my income largely comes from music groups with seniors with alzheimers. But I have to be very flexible in order to make a living at it. If I am asked to do a memorial service or cocktail pianist or sing or teach....that's what I do.

I got a new copy of 'Do what you love and the money will follow' to go back to, I want to build up myconfidence again.

Ironically ( since it's him who toppled it a few weeks ago ) ex said 'you really need to have more confidence in yourself dear....'

No sh*t......

 

[Lupita]

Dear WRITE,

It happens all the time. At least you can think. I get paralized when I feel I am being under fire. I get paralized and can't think clearly.
Fear. Old fears. I feel my mother is hating me. I am proud of you that you can think and meditate about it and ask and think what you could do.
God bless you.

Lupita

[Overcomer]

You know?  Sometimes I think those sabotagers are very insecure.  We have a girl at work who really does know her stuff but she stirs the pot, stands in the aisles and eavesdrops, lies, etc.  So many have tried to get her out but she is a slippery fish.  Some people have threatened to quit because they cannot stand her.  She probably will be let go but now she plays the victim.  I don't know about those kind of people.  Sometimes I think my aunt is that way.....only her tactics are to play the victim so if she really should be getting into trouble, she comes to us and cries and complains about others and my nmom puts the others on the list instead of poor, dear old aunt.....

[WRITE]

I feel fine about it now I have asserted myself and redressed the power imbalance which came from someone's sabotage or hostility.


I guess I have a weakness whenever someone is mean or aggressive, I tend to crumble. I always wanted so much to change all that within my family then my marriage...patterns repeating themselves again I guess.