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who is the real N?

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sjkravill:
Suddenly, I have the horrible feeling that the real N here is me, not my husband.
I read that keeping feelings and thoughts from a spouse is a form of abuse. I have been keeping my feelings for months from my husband because I didn't feel emotionally safe in sharing them with him.
Keeping my feelings upsets him. His cycles of inappropriate behavior intensify...

Before, when I told him everything, I always felt disrespected and he never understood that there was a problem in our relationship, as much as I begged him to understand... because he had all of the power.
But now, that I don't give up my power (my feelings) he says that I am controling him. I am causing his moodswings. Now, he senses a problem in our relationship.

He begged me to talk, and I finally did. Very gently, I told him how I had been feeling. At first he seemed sweet, receptive, and apologetic. Then, after a while he told me he was not about to take all the responsibility for the problems in our marriage. I needed to understand his feelings. He told me that I am not giving him the same respect that I ask of him. He says I need to initiate more in every part of the relationship, that I am putting all of the responsibility on him. He says that he has been changing and improving just for me, because he would never want to hurt me. I don't know what I think about that.

I started to think that maybe, now, I am the N. Am I being abusive by not telling him how I feel? by not taking equal responsibility for fixing the relationship? I verbally acknowledge his improvements as I notice them, and I actively show concern and affection for him. But that is not sufficient, I am being told. He says I am expecting perfection, I am only remembering the bad times, etc. Maybe I am expecting too much... The converstaion became so taxing and confusing, I felt exhausted and began to cry. I was sorry for having said anything at all.

I am afraid that if I start initiating again, the pattern will reverse again. I am afraid if I share my feelings again, they will be unimportant and wrong again. If I pursue, he will withdraw. I hope that my trust will come back intuitively as he does change, but who knows? In the mean time, am I escalating his behavior by claiming the power to with-hold my feelings?
What a delicate balance of power.

It is my position that when one person has been abused, that person no longer shares equal responsibility in "fixing" the relationship. The abuser must take responsibility and make changes. My position is, "yes, I allowed this abuse to take place, but I am not going to anymore." I don't want to pour myself empty into a container with holes in it. However, I could be misreading him. He could have changed, and I haven't noticed it or trusted it yet.

I have ordered some books on emotional abuse... while I am waiting, can anyone else identify with this story? Any wisdom to share?

clj_writes:

--- Quote ---It is my position that when one person has been abused, that person no longer shares equal responsibility in "fixing" the relationship. The abuser must take responsibility and make changes. My position is, "yes, I allowed this abuse to take place, but I am not going to anymore." I don't want to pour myself empty into a container with holes in it.
--- End quote ---


BRAVO!!!  I'm sure others will be able to give you better advice on this than I but I must say it sounds like he wants to sow self-doubt in you.  Be strong, trust yourself, and don't be tricked by this!

write:
He could have changed, and I haven't noticed it or trusted it yet.


read that back to yourself.
How could he have changed when you still feel the same abusiveness from him, and suspicion of his motives.

What has he done to change? Read books, learned about himself, worked on his behaviour, been to therapy? Change is painstakingly difficult, he would have to make a considerable effort. Unlikely you wouldn't notice that.

You're not responisble for his mood swings, nor is it necessary in a  marriage or relationship to give yourself over to another beyond a point you feel comfortable.Where did you read that keeping your own feelings was a form of abuse? what nonsense- every healthy person keeps some parts of themselves for themselves.

And more importantly- to be healthy you need to be able to trust and value yourself irrespective of what others tell you.

Take care of yourself.

tokyojim2001:
I heard a simple thing to remember when one worries about being the N himself:

If you are seriously considering the possibility, you are probably not an N; they would not ask that question of themselves.

Wildflower:
The converstaion became so taxing and confusing, I felt exhausted and began to cry. I was sorry for having said anything at all.

I can tell from your writing that you’re in a very tight, claustrophobic  place, and you may be having trouble finding any space to think.  Being with an N is extremely disorienting, and as you’ve seen in other posts, the blame is always shifted back to the non-N.   :(   I know that gets very confusing when you find yourself saying that he's the N.  But maybe it would find another point of comparison.

Is there anywhere you can go to get some fresh air?  Stay with a friend?  Even go out for dinner with a friend?  Even if you can’t in the near future, can you think about how you interact with others, friends?

If you can do any of these things, then maybe you can watch/listen to yourself and be reminded that you know how to act with people who aren’t trying to break you down.  It’s just a thought.

Hang in there.

Wildflower

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