How will I deal with my non-N parent's funeral?

[JanetLG]

My Dad is 78, and, as with all elderly people, starting to get things seriously wrong with his health. Inevitably, he'll die one day, probably sooner than my NMum, who is 70 (and annoyingly healthy).

I am really worried about what will happen when he actually dies. I have had No Contact with my NMum and my clone NSister for 13 years (although they have tried to contact me at various times). My NMum, at my decision to go NC, told all the other relatives that they had to 'choose her or me'. As I thought that it was no-one else's business, and that I shouldn't have to explain my decision, I ended up losing contact with my whole extended family - everyone except my Dad. (His decision led to my parents getting divorced, apparently).

When he dies, I will have to decide what to do about attending his funeral, and that really is a problem. Although I want to show my respects, I don't think I can face meeting up with all the relatives, especially NMum and her clone. I feel that they would use the occasion to 'make a scene', and it would be horrendous. I don't think I could hold myself together.

I would probably want to visit a Chapel of Rest, or whatever, prior to the funeral, if I thought the Vampire Relatives wouldn't intercept me there. By the way, my Dad isn't religious, but I have recently started attending a Unitarian (Free Christian) Church, so my feelings around religion are in a state of flux at the moment, as I try to sort out what it is that I believe!

What have other people done in this situation? I feel that if I chickened out and didn't do something 'public' to acknowledge his passing, that I will regret it in future, but normally I wouldn't put myself within 100 miles of the two N's, for any reason! I don't think that just sending flowers would be enough. I haven't discussed any of this with my Dad, as it would seem morbid, I think.

Is there an answer to this one?

Janet

[Overcomer]

My thought is to in to the funeral right before it starts and sit way in back-they will parade in as family and will not even notice you.

[pennyplant]

OC is likely right about how it will go.

Another option is that possibly you could contact the funeral director and ask for a private viewing or a few minutes alone with your father.  Funeral directors are often very sensitive to the various situations in families and can be very accommodating.  My grandfather died while my aunt was in Australia and she missed the calling hours.  The funeral director had us bring her in right from the airport and she was able to spend a few minutes alone with her father before the funeral service.  I know several funeral directors and they are all helpful in this way.

Pennyplant

[Portia]

Hi Janet

I’ll jump in with some questions: is your Dad with a new partner; who will be arranging his funeral and what sort of funeral would he want – and do you know these things? Are you the closest person to him – if so, maybe you will be the one arranging the funeral. If my questions are intrusive, please take them for yourself and not meant for answers here. Perhaps your Dad is thinking about these things himself too – some people do and they want to talk to their children about it, but are reticent to do so, for fear of upsetting the children. I think it would be good if you could talk to him about it, if you feel he’d be receptive.

I think funerals are for the benefit of those still alive, to honour the deceased. I guess your question to yourself is about how you want to honour him. If you can think about that, without thinking of the others, maybe what you want (and the strength/resolve to do it) will become clearer? Kind of separating the two so your wants become clearer to you.

My birth parents are both alive (divorced, remarried, divorced etc) and I sometimes wonder what I will do when I have to arrange my mother’s funeral. She has so many boyfriends to invite! That’s a wry joke.* I’m hoping she’ll leave instructions for me, which I may or may not follow.

Is it a certainty that your mother would attend your father’s funeral ? I’m just thinking, if my father dies before her, I wonder if my mother will attend his funeral? It’s a question I really don’t know the answer to.

* edit in; to clarify, I meant she does actually have a lot of boyfriends and I do wonder what it will be like, with a kind of wry 'I'll see what happens when it happens' attitude. To some extent I've given up expecting .....what's happened so far hasn't killed me and well, i'm getting stronger and probably, tired of worrying, if that makes any sense.

[Margo]

My Dad is 78, and, as with all elderly people, starting to get things seriously wrong with his health. Inevitably, he'll die one day, probably sooner than my NMum, who is 70 (and annoyingly healthy).

I am really worried about what will happen when he actually dies. I have had No Contact with my NMum and my clone NSister for 13 years (although they have tried to contact me at various times). My NMum, at my decision to go NC, told all the other relatives that they had to 'choose her or me'. As I thought that it was no-one else's business, and that I shouldn't have to explain my decision, I ended up losing contact with my whole extended family - everyone except my Dad. (His decision led to my parents getting divorced, apparently).

When he dies, I will have to decide what to do about attending his funeral, and that really is a problem. Although I want to show my respects, I don't think I can face meeting up with all the relatives, especially NMum and her clone. I feel that they would use the occasion to 'make a scene', and it would be horrendous. I don't think I could hold myself together.

I would probably want to visit a Chapel of Rest, or whatever, prior to the funeral, if I thought the Vampire Relatives wouldn't intercept me there. By the way, my Dad isn't religious, but I have recently started attending a Unitarian (Free Christian) Church, so my feelings around religion are in a state of flux at the moment, as I try to sort out what it is that I believe!

What have other people done in this situation? I feel that if I chickened out and didn't do something 'public' to acknowledge his passing, that I will regret it in future, but normally I wouldn't put myself within 100 miles of the two N's, for any reason! I don't think that just sending flowers would be enough. I haven't discussed any of this with my Dad, as it would seem morbid, I think.

Is there an answer to this one?

Janet

I'll think about this for a while and I think you should start by writing a goodbye letter for your father.  I decorate mine with care, for instance... my grandfather loved to fish so I drew pencil sketches of fly's and trout and made it very special... antiqued it and watercolored.  I said everything I needed to say to him in the letter and I had it placed in the coffin with him.  There were photos and momentos that I wanted near him.  I got it all out..... nothing went unsaid.  You can contact the people at the funeral home and have a private conversation where they place these things in just before heading to the cemetary so nmum doesn't interfere. 

I think funerals are ghastly so I wouldn't attend if I were you.  But I'd do what I had to do to find some closure and serenity in the situation.  Peace and if I'll try to think of anything else that would make it easier for you like going a day early and saying goodbye to your father when Nmom doesn't know you're there.  Margo

[JanetLG]

Thanks for the responses so far...all give good ideas. To go through some of them -
 "ask for a private viewing or a few minutes alone with your father."

  That's a really good idea, Pennyplant, I didn't know I might be able to arrange that. I suppose I could contact any funeral director and ask what they offer in case of 'sensitive' families, beforehand (at the time might be too traumatic, and I'm trying to stop the worrying about it NOW, really)

Portia, thanks for your post - I don't think you are being intrusive, but I probably didn't explain enough about the situation:

"is your Dad with a new partner" Well, he is and he isn't...he has a 'ladyfriend' as he calls her, who is very sweet (I've met her twice, but I live 300 miles from him, so I only know her a little). They think the world of each other. He's 78, she's 60, widowed. They each have their own house. BUT my NMum, even though divorced from my Dad, still has him at her becck and call, so Christine, his ladyfriend, doesn't feel she comes first in his life, really. My Mum would DEFINITELY be the one arranging the funeral, and Christine might even feel unable to go, due to family tensions. When my Dad was in hospital recently, a similar situation occurred, with my Mum taking over, and Christine felt uncomfortable visiting him. The control these N's have!!

I don't know what sort of funeral he'd want, but he'd probably say 'I don't bl**dy well care, as I won't be there!' Probably low-key, in a local crematorium.

I am as close to him as I can be after all that's gone before...so not the closest, as I don't live near him, so others have day-to-day contact (esp. my NSister, which is worrying. She would take over arranging the funeral if my NMum didn't do it)

I might be brave enough to bring up the subject with him now, after the prompting questions I've had here. It gives me a starting point.

I think I do want to honour him properly, and that's the hard bit, as it might end up being something that 'society' doesn't see as the 'right' way to do it - such as planting a tree for him, or going to a place he enjoyed, at the time others are having the funeral? Something like that. He's got an amazing sense of humour, and I don't think he'd want a dismal send off, anyway. I once said to him, jokingly, that when he died, I'd get one of those funeral flower arrangements made that spells out words, only I'd have one made that said, 'B*ll*cks, I'm dead', and he thought that was hilarious!

There's no way I'll go to my Nmum's funeral - I expect to just feel relief. My husband says he might go to it, just to make sure she's really gone!

Ami - Your post made me cry. Yes, my Dad DID stick up for me as much as he was able, but he has been alcoholic for years, and endured several affairs by my Mum before the divorce (they were married 37 years), he had two nervous breakdowns when I was little, and was made to have ECT as a 'treatment' which affected his personality permanently after that.

Yes, I do think that to be amongst the 'crazy characters' at the funeral would just be unbearable, so I'm looking at finding alternatives to that.

I appreciate him as much as I can, as I know our time is limited. Our relationship is a bit distant at times, but I can make allowances for that. He's a funny old git!

Margo - your idea of a letter written now is a great one, and I'm going to try that. Going a day early is also a good idea. I'd be so stressed out thinking they might creep up on me otherwise, it's driving me nuts, and detracting from the time I have left with him, which is so unfair.



Janet

[Portia]

Oh Janet, your mother really is a one isn't she. Just a thought, and I admit I feel for Christine here,  but - as she is close to your Dad, how about you plan to do something with her at some point?

Hey, whatever 'society' thinks, who cares? I think planting a tree or visiting a favourite place is a heartfelt, heart-filled way to honour someone. I'd like that done for me, for me to be in someone's memory.

Glad you took my questions as they were meant - to try and get a realistic picture. Reading your reply, I'm wishing your dad makes a Will and specifies everything he would want done, and by whom. But that's my knee-jerk reaction to reading about your mother. I'm sorry she is as she is Janet.
P

[JanetLG]

Portia,

"my knee-jerk reaction to reading about your mother. I'm sorry she is as she is Janet. "

Yep, me too!!!!!

My Dad *has* made a Will, but it's as my NMum dictated it to be, even though it was made after the divorce - i.e. he leaves his new house and any money to her. No other details, apparently. This is after they have been divorced 10 years, so far. When she decided she wanted a divorce, she told *him* to instigate it, as *she* didn't want to have to be the one to be bogged down with all the paperwork. She also wouldn't give him any share of their 250,000 GBP house, as she said she needed it, and she didn't want to have to move, and go to a smaller place! So, she wins again (financially, anyway).

Even if I can't get him to alter his Will to say just what he'd like done at his funeral, perhaps I can get him to talk to me about how me and Christine might honour his life. I'd like that. She's a very caring type of person, and has brought out a side of him I thought I'd never see. I never saw him cuddle my Mum, but with Christine, he's like a teenager (only slower)! It's really sweet to see them together.

Janet

[Hopalong]

Hi Janet,
At my church there is a lovely memorial garden. After my daughter's father, my ex, died, I bought a plaque with his name engraved on it and had it installed, with a small private memorial "moment" (not really a service, though my D read a farewell letter I had written to him, and then spoke her own thoughts) and we had it installed. The minister was happy to meet with us to plan our simple private farewell. It's amid flowers, above a small fountain, on the wall with others we knew and loved. I go out and talk to him now and then, it's comforting.

Even people who haven't been attending for a long time have purchased spaces there, and because it's a UU church, there is welcome and tolerance for all sorts of families, split and not, and all sorts of traditions.

Maybe you could do something like that for your Dad, and tell him that you're going to be sitting with him now and then in a lovely place.

Hops