Help from all you Christians!

[camper]

H and I had a horrible counseling session.  OH I hope the therapist saw through him!  He is such a twister and liar.  I am sooo angry!  He brought up why he doesn't send me flowers anymore.  His reasoning was sooooooo wrong, twisted, a lie!  I didn't refute it, just shook my head.  The T(herapist) could see my anger.  So  he asked what I was feeling and I let loose.  I told him why I stopped getting flowers:  I said, "HE LIED" (ooo I was mad!) The day I got them, my H would come home from work expecting a Thank You immediately.  I had two small boys and was rushing to get dinner on the table, clean up, keep the boys in line.....And idiot me, would even forget I got flowers much less forget the thank you.  My H would have a fit that I didn't thank him and it would cause a huge argument.  This happened too many times and I finally asked him to please not send flowers any more.  He finally admitted to the T that he had demanded a thank you.  That he did act poorly because he wasn't getting what he needed.  The T and him both said the reason he had in his mind (which he completely made up) was how he perceived it.  His view of it. 

So now he asks this famous question, "Is that why you won't pray with me, because I am a liar?"  My H is so hung up on the fact that I won't pray with him.  I asked him what was with calling himself a liar...that was because I said he lied about the flowers.  So I got mad and said that just because I said you lied about the flowers now you are a complete liar?  He got mad and said just to answer his question.  He went on and on badgering me (his specialty).  I finally blew and told him why I won't pray with him....HE IS A HYPOCRITE!  He isn't swallowing that pill very well.  How dare I judge him.  Then he comes to bed and says he is going to the Elders of the church to talk to them and see if maybe he shouldn't be leading a small group(he leads our couples small group bible study).  I just know he is going to paint a really poor picture of me to the Elders.  H said he can see now why I am so quiet during our bible study...it is painful for me to sit there while he is leading. 

I have to tell you I hate being in a bible study with him.  He has a ton of bible knowledge but he doesn't practice what he preaches.  He is sooo good at preaching.  Does it all the time.  Tells everyone how to live their lives.  Throws out scripture.  It makes me sick! 

I really regret that I told him.  In my normal state, I would never say such things to him.  I tried to tell him that he doesn't need to know the reason why I don't pray with him.  It would be hurtful.  He said I was judging him (that he would be hurt).  This whole conversation will really hurt our relationship.  He is going to keep playing the poor me thing.  I am sure it crushed him as he thinks he is a very Godly man.  I can't believe I caved in to his badgering.  I should not have told him.  We don't go back to counseling for another three weeks.   I am fearing this all.  He will not sit quietly.  He will tell all his church friends about "my" problem.  He will give them his version and they will feel sorry for him and pray for me.  I hate this!

[JanetLG]

Camper,

That sounds really hard to deal with, Camper, but your therapist should be able to see through all his comments?

Have you come across this website:
http://www.altrue.net/site/luke173/

which is run by two women who are Christian, who are *amazingly* good at explaining Narcissistic behaviour and coping strategies, and at giving responses you can use in a Christian setting. By that I mean, if people quote the Bible at you as a resaon for you having to forgive them, not judge them, etc, this site tells you what the Bible *actually* says, what is a good answer, how to deal with N's in your life and still live in a Christian way, how to deal with others judging you, and loads of other stuff.

It's a good site whether you're religious or not, it's just so empathetic!!!

Please have a look, I hope it helps.

Janet

[JanetLG]

Ami,

Your post that 'God does not want you to be abused' is spot on! Why should it be that women are supposed to put up with awful situations, when men aren't? OK, that isn't always the case, but in Christian counselling it can sometimes be used to 'hold the marriage together' by telling the woman to be more 'tolerant'. Why? Why can't the man control himself better? Women are surely as important to God as men are. We just don't believe it sometimes, but that's probably due more to societal conditioning than God Him/Herself!

Janet

[Overcomer]

Well, Camp, I can relate to this only from a mother/daugher perspective.  My nmom has the world snowed.  She has money so everyone thinks she is a "business guru...."  (she lucked into it.......)

She gives a big tithe, so therefore, she is wise.

We go to therapy and she has the T convinced that it is I that has the problem.......

Yes, these kinds of Ns make us (who have to deal with them on an on going basis) sick. 

Literally sick!!  I feel for you.  Now you have to decide if you want to stay with him.  Or another thing to do is - Pray with your husband.  Hold his hand and truly pray to God......don't say things to stick it to your husband..............as he is praying his pious prayers, you tune into God and let him be all pious and religious....................then when it is your turn to pray, start with the Lord's prayer....................as we forgive those who trespass against us.................oh, it sounds trite but right in the Bible when they ask how to pray he gives them the Lord's prayer...........also, ask for forgiveness and love and mercy and grace and thank God for his answers.  I know how you feel, you want to say to your husband......."Oh, pleeaasseee, I am going to throw up.....will you cut it out?"  But "vengence is HIS, not ours..."  As long as we keep our motives pure and truly focus our thoughts on God, then I think you will be OK!!

[legalmom]

H and I had a horrible counseling session.  OH I hope the therapist saw through him!  He is such a twister and liar.  I am sooo angry!  He brought up why he doesn't send me flowers anymore.  His reasoning was sooooooo wrong, twisted, a lie!  I didn't refute it, just shook my head.  The T(herapist) could see my anger.  So  he asked what I was feeling and I let loose.  I told him why I stopped getting flowers:  I said, "HE LIED" (ooo I was mad!) The day I got them, my H would come home from work expecting a Thank You immediately.  I had two small boys and was rushing to get dinner on the table, clean up, keep the boys in line.....And idiot me, would even forget I got flowers much less forget the thank you.  My H would have a fit that I didn't thank him and it would cause a huge argument.  This happened too many times and I finally asked him to please not send flowers any more.  He finally admitted to the T that he had demanded a thank you.  That he did act poorly because he wasn't getting what he needed.  The T and him both said the reason he had in his mind (which he completely made up) was how he perceived it.  His view of it. 

So now he asks this famous question, "Is that why you won't pray with me, because I am a liar?"  My H is so hung up on the fact that I won't pray with him.  I asked him what was with calling himself a liar...that was because I said he lied about the flowers.  So I got mad and said that just because I said you lied about the flowers now you are a complete liar?  He got mad and said just to answer his question.  He went on and on badgering me (his specialty).  I finally blew and told him why I won't pray with him....HE IS A HYPOCRITE!  He isn't swallowing that pill very well.  How dare I judge him.  Then he comes to bed and says he is going to the Elders of the church to talk to them and see if maybe he shouldn't be leading a small group(he leads our couples small group bible study).  I just know he is going to paint a really poor picture of me to the Elders.  H said he can see now why I am so quiet during our bible study...it is painful for me to sit there while he is leading. 

I have to tell you I hate being in a bible study with him.  He has a ton of bible knowledge but he doesn't practice what he preaches.  He is sooo good at preaching.  Does it all the time.  Tells everyone how to live their lives.  Throws out scripture.  It makes me sick! 

I really regret that I told him.  In my normal state, I would never say such things to him.  I tried to tell him that he doesn't need to know the reason why I don't pray with him.  It would be hurtful.  He said I was judging him (that he would be hurt).  This whole conversation will really hurt our relationship.  He is going to keep playing the poor me thing.  I am sure it crushed him as he thinks he is a very Godly man.  I can't believe I caved in to his badgering.  I should not have told him.  We don't go back to counseling for another three weeks.   I am fearing this all.  He will not sit quietly.  He will tell all his church friends about "my" problem.  He will give them his version and they will feel sorry for him and pray for me.  I hate this!

camp- i understand how you feel, my NH thinks he's is smarter than people with Phd's and masters in counseling, thinks I need help because "im the one with the problem"..donates his precious time to our parrish church and brags about all his accoomplishments with US..then comes home and trashes everyone and tells me and the kids how He has things running better,cause He made all the suggestions and Did all the work...
such a pathological liar and hypocrite!!

[mudpuppy]

camper,

You are married to a Pharisee, whom we know by their fruits. Your husbands fruit is rotten.

We cannot serve two masters. We must either please God or please men. Pleasing God often earns us the ire of men, but it still isn't much of a contest is it? Do you believe God wants you to join in false and hypocritical prayers meant to make your white washed tomb of a husband feel good about his hypocrisy?

You have nothing to regret. You told the truth rather than concealing it. Nor do you have anything to fear. If God is for you who can be against you? That isn't an empty slogan it's the truth.

mud

[camper]

Janet, Thank you so much for the site.  I will definitely read it!  I can see some good discussions coming up next time a verse is thrown at me.

Ami:

I am so overwhelmed with feeling when I read your post. I have been there on SO many levels  There ARE so many levels to your situation.
 I stayed  at  home with  children Even if you don't stay at home ,

  I do stay home with children, 12 & 9 yo and I homeschool them.

  I tried counseling with my husband MANY times. For me, I would say that it was totally ineffective. My husband was a respected professional and the counselors treated him as if he were "normal-"which he was not. THEY got involved in the craziness rather than stand outside it and help us out. I hate to say this, but I think that it was as simple as he "paid the bills"

  I have seen this counselor on my own about three times so he is very aware of what my H is really like.  He told me he would be a different counselor with my H there.  We have a strategy that makes things my problems in order to get at his problems.  It is harder than I thought.

The worst were the religious counselors or pastors who try to make everything O.K. in order to 'Preserve" the marriage.   If I could say ONE thing it would be NOT to lose YOUR power. I did that . It is very hard NOT to lose your power when you have young children. Being in this position,in itself, is vulnerable. That is where the Catch 22 comes in to play. I had no one to help me. My mother said, "You made your bed you lie in it"(my mother- the therapist)
 I just "ate myself alive with stress and blamed myself. I got stomach problems and depression and anxiety  problems

    What do you mean not to "lose my power"?  My H is not going to do anything to jeopardize our marraige because then he wouldn't be living up to his "Godliness".  In that way, I have plenty of power.

  The flowers situation is TYPICAL of the abusive man. It could be flowers, smouers, towers . loowers. ANYTHING. They are waiting to pick a fight. This is the thing to remember. The 'Thing" is NOT the thing- if you follow.
  IF I knew this one fact, I could have survived much better, They simply WANT to pick a fight.

  My H used to expect/demand a thank you from evryone every time he did something good.  It took me a long time and a few therapists along the way to help him understand what a gift was.  Why did he give it, to get praise for himself or just because he wanted to.  He really has come a long way in that area!

 

The other thing that I hope that you have is someone who 'will be a bigger dog than he is". I found this when my kids were 14 and 16- way too late .but still good.
  If he knows that you have no one to protect you, it is much worse. IF you have no one to protect you, YOU have to be strong- somehow.

Explain:  someone who 'will be a bigger dog than he is".

 

However, I want to get to the Christian part. More woman take abuse in the name of being a ''Christian". They should not- NOT, NOT,. I wish that someone could of helped me with this "guilt" that is put on Christian woman.Pastor henry Wright says that no one should take ANY abuse- verbal, emotional ETC[/quote]
OK....NO ONE understands verbal and emotional abuse.  My H is so different around others.  No one could comprehend his verbal and emotional abuse...even he doesnt' get it!

   

  My main mistake that I made was thinking that my husband was "normal'  and that he would respond and react "normally and also that he would act, in my best interest. He needs me to "keep a boot on his head" now and then. I did not know that.I keep a boot on his head,now. It IS sad, but it HAS to be this way with him or he will take advantage of me.

What do you mean by this:  "keep a boot on his head"

 
 

I hope that I have helped in some way.

YOU HAVE!

  It is REALLY hard when you have small children. For me. mine are grown now. He knows that he would lose alot by divorcing me so now we have equal power. This is the 'only ' thing that makes him act decent to me. I think.
  However, I stayed married. I don't know if it was a good or bad decision. Now, I am free to live a good life. We are not close,.but exist as nominal "friends"
 I am free now to pursue things I love and to make a good life,now with friends,interests, my children ETC
  keep Writing. Know this - You are worth something to God. God does NOT want you to abused. I am CONVINCED of this

I completely uinderstand this last part.  I am free to have a good life(with some grief).  My H would just die if he didn't have his boys with him and he definitely needs me to take care of them for him.  the worst part is that I need to protect them and be there for them when their Dad gets out of line.  My poor, dear son asked in chruch on sunday, why is dad so mean to us in church.  And I know he is mean to him in church.  He hates to be distracted and kids do that...HELLO!  I am as free as you are.  For the most part, my H is just a huge annoyance.  I really want to strive for a closer relationship.

Overcomer: 

Now you have to decide if you want to stay with him.  Or another thing to do is - Pray with your husband.  Hold his hand and truly pray to God......don't say things to stick it to your husband..............as he is praying his pious prayers, you tune into God and let him be all pious and religious....................then when it is your turn to pray, start with the Lord's prayer....................as we forgive those who trespass against us.................oh, it sounds trite but right in the Bible when they ask how to pray he gives them the Lord's prayer...........also, ask for forgiveness and love and mercy and grace and thank God for his answers.  I know how you feel, you want to say to your husband......."Oh, pleeaasseee, I am going to throw up.....will you cut it out?"  But "vengence is HIS, not ours..."  As long as we keep our motives pure and truly focus our thoughts on God, then I think you will be OK!!

  I will stay with him.  You may be right here, about praying.  My H said that when I am in a women's bible study without him, I am probably completely open and different.  He was right on.  If I pray with him, he will use it later to stick it to me.  Why can't I pray like that with him?  I will pray for so-and-so, why can't I pray for him?  He uses everything to point out how I neglect him.  That is what I dread the most.  Everything I say, he feels an entitlement to for himself.  I don't dare talk to other men and seem too interested.  I hear how he wishes I was that interested in him.  Dah!  I live with him and talk to him everyday. 

[Margo]

H and I had a horrible counseling session.  OH I hope the therapist saw through him!  He is such a twister and liar.  I am sooo angry!  He brought up why he doesn't send me flowers anymore.  His reasoning was sooooooo wrong, twisted, a lie!  I didn't refute it, just shook my head.  The T(herapist) could see my anger.  So  he asked what I was feeling and I let loose.  I told him why I stopped getting flowers:  I said, "HE LIED" (ooo I was mad!) The day I got them, my H would come home from work expecting a Thank You immediately.  I had two small boys and was rushing to get dinner on the table, clean up, keep the boys in line.....And idiot me, would even forget I got flowers much less forget the thank you.  My H would have a fit that I didn't thank him and it would cause a huge argument.  This happened too many times and I finally asked him to please not send flowers any more.  He finally admitted to the T that he had demanded a thank you.  That he did act poorly because he wasn't getting what he needed.  The T and him both said the reason he had in his mind (which he completely made up) was how he perceived it.  His view of it. 

So now he asks this famous question, "Is that why you won't pray with me, because I am a liar?"  My H is so hung up on the fact that I won't pray with him.  I asked him what was with calling himself a liar...that was because I said he lied about the flowers.  So I got mad and said that just because I said you lied about the flowers now you are a complete liar?  He got mad and said just to panswer his question.  He went on and on badgering me (his specialty).  I finally blew and told him why I won't pray with him....HE IS A HYPOCRITE!  He isn't swallowing that pill very well.  How dare I judge him.  Then he comes to bed and says he is going to the Elders of the church to talk to them and see if maybe he shouldn't be leading a small group(he leads our couples small group bible study).  I just know he is going to paint a really poor picture of me to the Elders.  H said he can see now why I am so quiet during our bible study...it is painful for me to sit there while he is leading. 

I have to tell you I hate being in a bible study with him.  He has a ton of bible knowledge but he doesn't practice what he preaches.  He is sooo good at preaching.  Does it all the time.  Tells everyone how to live their lives.  Throws out scripture.  It makes me sick! 

I really regret that I told him.  In my normal state, I would never say such things to him.  I tried to tell him that he doesn't need to know the reason why I don't pray with him.  It would be hurtful.  He said I was judging him (that he would be hurt).  This whole conversation will really hurt our relationship.  He is going to keep playing the poor me thing.  I am sure it crushed him as he thinks he is a very Godly man.  I can't believe I caved in to his badgering.  I should not have told him.  We don't go back to counseling for another three weeks.   I am fearing this all.  He will not sit quietly.  He will tell all his church friends about "my" problem.  He will give them his version and they will feel sorry for him and pray for me.  I hate this!

 
[/quote
Ummmm..... I think you should join a church where you can go and enjoy your relationship with God and not have to be silent or worry that H is going to speak badly about you to the "elders."  That just struck me as sooooo icky.  I have problems with hypocrites in organizations that claim to be spiritual anyway.  It sounds like you're being deprived of the peace and comfort a church should provide.  Margo

[isittoolate]

Do we have to be Christians to hlep?

[camper]

Do we have to be Christians to hlep?

Of course not!  I just know that Christians can truly understand where I am coming from.  Your help is always much welcome!  You are like the queen of this forum!  Go for it, I am waiting!!!

[camper]

Camper,

Amazing how they can all be different and yet be the same!  My NH and I had a similar deal with flowers--when the occasion called for them, he stopped off at the grocery store and picked up a half dozen carnations, dyed blue.  Carnations are absolutely my least favorite flower and the dyed ones, even more so.  Stupidly, after he had done it several times, I told him that I didnt care for them, and that I didnt expect flowers anyway, so he didnt have to do that in an obligatory way.

He ignored me and for the next two decades, he regularly brought me blue carnations.  Birthdays, Mother's day, tokens of apology--always blue carnations.  The only time he gave me a real bouquet was the time he forgot to pay the water bill and they turned it off while he was on a business trip.  I was staying with a friend and he had the flowers sent there--a huge, expensive bouquet delivered by a courier.  Does that sound like an N, or what?

He also went to the elders of the church regularly to complain about me.  It's really not such a bad deal, Camper.  If they do it long enough, they start looking like idiots.  One pastor finally told him that God wasnt happy with him for the way he was treating his wife--NH said that the pastor didnt speak for God.  Interesting way of refuting him, huh?  Didnt argue with the pastor's perception--only that he didnt speak for God.  

  I really need to learn to hold my head high and stop worrying about how people are looking at me.  It bothers me when I know they know what of course isn't true. 

We also did the prayer battle.  He only pushed the issue of praying together when we had had an argument.  (actually that's when he pushed the sex issue, too!)  It was control in both cases and not in the least about intimacy, or spirituality. You can see that and that's why you are reacting.  Prayer the way N's do it, feels like spiritual rape--forced intimacy with a stranger.  You can argue with him as much as you want about why (and he will throw it into your face, as you hae experienced), or you can set a boundary.  Boundaries keep someone unsafe out of your personal space.  You dont have to justify your boundaries to an unsafe person.  You just say "I don't want to".  If they want to talk about it, you say "I don't want to talk about it".

You are getting pushed into these kinds of conversations because you think that talking about it is going to help.  It isnt.  There may be some number of these circular conflicts that we co-N's have to go through before we realize that they are going to continue forever with the same outcome.

  I can't deal with my H's badgering.  Because I was in a car and couldn't physically leave, I caved.  He pounded me(mentally) the rest of the way home to which of course I said nothing (it drives him crazy )   I sent him an email apologizing for caving in to him and not for what I said.  After his awful reaction in the car, he had a very calm email back that basically said he needed to hear what I told him and it will be good for us.  How do you link the two together?  Totally opposite.  This is where I get angry.  He plays with my mind!  I sat all day, on edge, worrying about what he was going to do.  Then he dumps the nice email on me.  I will bring it up to him.  I am going to tell him he needs help learning how to deal with things he doesn't like instead of flying off the handle.  I keep so much from him because I am afraid of his reactions.  He over-reacts. 

I hear you saying, Camper, that you think you can get your H to change if you take him to the right counselor, or pastor, or friend who will get through to him.  Setting aside that issue for a moment--what do you want to do within yourself to grow and change and blossom?  Is he allowing you the space and air and light to accomplish that?  If he's not, you will have to create a clearing in the daily conflict to allow your own growth to happen.  I think that all of us who spent years trying to change our N's (I spent 30), feel the most grief over how much of our lives we devoted to changing another person. 

I need to stop devoting my life to changing him.  I know I can't but there are little things he is changing.  I have had little victories.  It only comes about with consequences and boundaries. 

I am a Christian, Camper, and I have been through the whole church blackmail thing.  But your dilemma isnt really a Christian dilemma--it's just being played out in a religious arena.  Your H is not any different from a non-Christian N, unfortunately, except that he has carved himself a supply source in a church instead of a secular source.  (There are many Bible verses that you could appeal to him with, but typically religious N's are accomplished at twisting them and turning them against you.  There are many examples of N's in the Bible--Saul being a notable one--and if you compare your experience to those who suffered at the hands of Biblical N's, you will find they are very similar.  When Abigail rode out to meet David with gifts, she was protecting her N husband from his own stupid actions.  She disobeyed his express orders to not help David as he rode through their land--and God blessed her.  Struck her NH dead, too, as I recall.  However, your N will probably not quote those particular passages as an example for you to emulate!  )
CB

  I love the Abigail story!  I have never thought about N's in the bible.  I can't go there....refuting him with bible verses.  I am bigger than that!  My H does use the church as his N supply.  It all falls under the guise of him needing prayer.  He has everyone praying for him and then constantly asking him how things are.  He walks through the church and everyone stops him.  He goes to church early to get his supply.  I take my own car and get to church late so I don't have to stand next to him.



On another note, my therapist asked my H to set me up in conversation when the two of us are in a social setting.  The T wants my H to not control the conversations.  My T does know that my H totally dominates every conversation and I am invisible.  this is going to be very hard for H.  It will make me sick but I need to do it!  I can't wait to see how he does it.  I can see him bragging about something I do to get people to talk about me.  Not sure what I am going to say but I am going to keep the conversation off my H!  I want to see him squirm.  Now, he won't get it that I am not in a conversation to talk about me but I will attempt to show him. 


Ami, I need to tell him about my boundaries.  I need to stand firm.  My H has no concept of boundaries.  He has no concept of people's personal space as he invades it often by touching everybody.  I have yet to figure out why he has no concept of boundaries.   What was it in the way he grew up for him to be like that?  If I understand the why, I can deal with it better.

[dandylife]

camper,
I just wanted to respond to two things. You asked why does your H not respect boundaries? Narcicissts see everyone as an extension of themselves. He "sees" you as if there's an umbilical cord attached from his brain (what he wants) to your body/mouth. He expects your body to do his bidding without even asking. He expects you to say what he wants to hear. He doesn't see you as seperate from him, with your OWN wants, needs, desires.

He probably has this same picture with other people - I am so great, of COURSE they want to be close to me. Of COURSE they want me to touch them. This is all subconsciously happening in his brain. (He doesn't think about it)

The other thing I noticed is that you and H are emailing on sensitive issues. I would strongly suggest that you not get in this habit. I used to do this with my H and it just caused spiraling out of control. I made a boundary that says any sensitive issue - we talk in person face to face. That way YOU can control the topic - when he goes off in another direction - get him back on topic - etc.

Dandylife

[mountainspring]

I just wanted to respond to two things. You asked why does your H not respect boundaries? Narcicissts see everyone as an extension of themselves. He "sees" you as if there's an umbilical cord attached from his brain (what he wants) to your body/mouth. He expects your body to do his bidding without even asking. He expects you to say what he wants to hear. He doesn't see you as seperate from him, with your OWN wants, needs, desires.

Dandylife this is so so true.  My mother use to tell us that what we did was a reflection of our family and a reflection on her.  We never could be separate.  I got my hair cut a few weeks ago and she told me before coming to visit my Grandmother to get a wig, which is so weird because when we were growing up she insisted on our hair being short.  Guess it's the N control factor at work.

[camper]

camper,
I just wanted to respond to two things. You asked why does your H not respect boundaries? Narcicissts see everyone as an extension of themselves. He "sees" you as if there's an umbilical cord attached from his brain (what he wants) to your body/mouth. He expects your body to do his bidding without even asking. He expects you to say what he wants to hear. He doesn't see you as seperate from him, with your OWN wants, needs, desires.

He probably has this same picture with other people - I am so great, of COURSE they want to be close to me. Of COURSE they want me to touch them. This is all subconsciously happening in his brain. (He doesn't think about it)

The other thing I noticed is that you and H are emailing on sensitive issues. I would strongly suggest that you not get in this habit. I used to do this with my H and it just caused spiraling out of control. I made a boundary that says any sensitive issue - we talk in person face to face. That way YOU can control the topic - when he goes off in another direction - get him back on topic - etc.

Dandylife

I email him over those things because I can't think when he starts his n'ism's.  I can't get out what I want to say because he will play mental and emotional games with me.  He will twist what I say.  This way, it is in black and white, very clear.  I can think what I want him to know and say it with no disruptions.  I used to write him letters and leave them.  Email is much easier.  I was actually counseled about the letters.  It is easier for get out my feelings so I was told to do it.  I can not control the topic with H.  He is too powerful for me.  He will completely frustrate me.

I need to study the part about me being an extension of him.  I can see it...a little.  It makes sense.  I have read about that.  I will pay more attention.  I know he thinks he makes people feel special by touching them.  Makes him feel big.  Puffs him up.