Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

ethical responsibility

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write:
write wrote:
My husband fell apart when I said he needed to move out. It was very difficult for me not to capitulate. I just kept saying he had to sort himself out and we couldn't live like this any more.

Now he is taking ad s and seeing a psychiatrist, and doing pretty well compared to before.

write, I hope that this happens. It is the best outcome. That through this process learning occurs for everyone. I'm glad that your x made the transition and is on a better path.

what I will say Lynn is: I didn't follow the advice of many 'experts'. I told my husband what I thought was wrong with him, and I repeated it many times even though it caused rows, and I stayed with him until the point he admitted it and went for help.

I saw it as a disability & although I am not responsible and I don't want to take care of him I still wanted to behave kindly where I could.

I never felt codependent and continued my own therapy and my own life but as a parent I felt unable to physically leave until he was in a better state to cope, knowing that he still had to be a parent alongside me.

That has stood me in good stead, for he is parenting effectively, he now treats me better all the time, and is ashamed and apologetic about the abusive way he has behaved. That, I believe is a big factor in how well he will recover/ reconstruct his life.

I see all this positive change and the bitterness and hatred within me evaporates and is replaced by a feeling of the profundity, the complexity and the wholeness of life. I am finding a peace and it feels very good.

Quite often I have read that people who won't leave or let go are in denial, and that may sometimes be the case, but I wanted to say that is by no means always the case, and no matter how painful or impossible at times there can be good outcomes down the road if you follow your heart, while being honest with yourself, and learning to take the best care of yourself.

A candle loses none of its light by lighting another candle.

lynn as guest:
Hi Write,

What strength you had.  I admire your courage.  Thanks for sharing more of your story.  

My N has moved out of the home.  I do not want to risk entanglement.  Your comments give me more tools to deal with him at the times we speak face-to-face and when we speak on the telephone.

lynn

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