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ethical responsibility

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Anonymous:
Lynn,

You've been his caretaker/ therapist for so long that you feel it is unethical to resign from the job. Well, it isn't unethical. Your responsibility is to your daughter and to yourself. He is a grownup. Even if he has some mental problems, he is responsible for himself! He knows how to see a doctor! He isn't completely psychotic and helpless. You will find that he will survive without you! He really will. I had a helpless, troubled husband once, and he is surviving without me.  Don't cave in to the rescuing impulse. You'll be back in the soup in no time.

bunny

pandora:
Lynn,

I struggled with the ethical implications of this too.  In fact, if the evidence of my H's infidelity and lying had not become just too overwhelming, I would probably still be there.  

But the Narcissism and abuse is a valid reason to leave, even if your marriage didn't have those other issues.  Do you think you could ever have a normal and supportive marriage with him?  And believing that staying with him will damage you is also a very good reason to leave.  You have given many years to this man already, and I am sure that you have done all you could to make your marriage work.  Just the fact that you are struggling with this now, and even thinking of HIS pain shows this.  

When I was struggling with this, I found it very helpful to talk to a pastor, if you have any religious faith, maybe that would help you.  

Hang in there!

Pandora

Lizbeth:
Lynn, you seem like such an incredibly nice person.  I commend you for your sympathy and empathy towards your N.

But people have to grow up and stand on their own two feet.  Grown people who do not do so only suck the life out of those around them who have to prop them up.  I tried for 7 years with my second N husband and he was destroying me and my sons.  Therapist told me he could get better "If he wanted to."  But no, it's easier to take your misery out on those around you who love you.  I have been divorced from him for many years now and my youngest, his son (who is now 25) is just beginning to get disgusted with the never ending whining of his father about how lonely he is, etc.  My son told him that he was tired of hearing it.  He had a family, he threw it away with his behavior, his inability to participate in getting better,  and desire to shirk all responsibility.  Now that he is alone, he still isn't happy and is "lonely."  My son is his only remaining supply and is finally tired of hearing it.  He told him to shut up about his problems and get off his "aZZ" and out of his apartment and do something about it instead of complaining.  He doesn't want to hear it any more.  

Point I want to make is enabling these people, even out of love, does no good, they will end up destroying you and your family in one way or another.  You have nothing to feel guilty about, even though I did for a time after my x-N left and his downward spiral sped up.   He wanted everyone to feel sorry for him and deliberately took drugs and drank so that he could excuse his increasingly violent and anti-social behavior.  I stopped feeling guilty then and realized this is what was going to happen whether I was in his life or not, only I and my sons would be the ones to pay instead of the N.   I tried to help him, not undestanding the true nature of his illness, and got nothing but continuing grief for it.  You can offer to find help for him if he is interested, but remove yourself from the actual helping, as the others suggest.  To do anything else will just keep you on the merry-go-round in one form or another.   They are the ones who break the marriages vows with their behavior towards their families and they feel no remorse, no matter what they say.   But it is hard to stop caring when you have been doing it for so long.

Lizbeth

Rojo:
Wow, Lynn.  You are obviously a terrific person and your husband is very lucky to know you.  The level of compassion you still have is utterly inspiring, especially after what I'm sure were years of heartache for you.

What to do?  In my humble opinion, let him fend for himself.  I'm 100% convinced that these people know, way, way, deep down, that the problem really lies with them.  If there's anything we are obligated to do it's to make them face themselves on their own by not facing things for them.

Seems to me you have your own life to live now, with a daughter who needs her mom more than anyone else.  He has no business trying to draw your focus away from her when he's darned well old enough to take care of himself.

I've heard several people who are recovering from an N contaminated relationship say that they worry about what the N might do to themselves.  Lynn, I think this sort of worry is residue from a carefully crafted, designed for maximum feed-their-need situation these N's like to create.  He needs you to worry about him and he'll put out every signal he can to make you think the worst if you don't give in to what he wants from you.  He of all people knows how to play on your compassionate nature.  It sounds like he's working overtime trying to suck you back in.  Don't help him do that.

I wish you and your daughter every good thing.

God bless,

Rojo

lynn:
To everyone, Once again, thank you for helping me through a most difficult time.  Your willingness to respond to my need, your heartfelt suggestions and concern touch me and warm my heart.  I am happy that there are people like you in the world.  You give me hope.

I'd like to respond to a few specific comments:


--- Quote from: write ---My husband fell apart when I said he needed to move out. It was very difficult for me not to capitulate. I just kept saying he had to sort himself out and we couldn't live like this any more.

Now he is taking ad s and seeing a psychiatrist, and doing pretty well compared to before.
--- End quote ---
write, I hope that this happens.  It is the best outcome.  That through this process learning occurs for everyone.  I'm glad that your x made the transition and is on a better path.


--- Quote from: gingerpeach ---You HAVE been responsible, done the caretaking for what appears to be many years. I don't think that that responsibility entails sacrificing your entire life
--- End quote ---
Gingerpeach,  you're right.  This is the conclusion I eventually reached.  That to stay in the relationship ment that I must sacrifice my entire life.  I made that choice.... but it is a difficult choice for me to make.


--- Quote from: jacmac ---sometimes the best "help" you can give another is to not help them at all, and to allow them to help themselves.
--- End quote ---
jacmac and several others who had a similar comment.  I know this is true and I am trying to have faith that staying away is the best help.


--- Quote from: pandora --- Do you think you could ever have a normal and supportive marriage with him?
--- End quote ---
pandora, no.  never.  He is so emotionally reactive.  He is intensely aware of how he feels and very unaware of how others feel.

And finally, this may sound really sappy, but thank you to everyone who said that they thought I might be a nice person.  Staying uninvolved is hard and feels mean.  This process is unfamiliar to me.  Hearing that you found something nice about me in my post ... at a time when my actions result in such N-emotion and N-pain.... makes me feel bouyant and hopeful that there are people in the world who can accept nice gestures and appreciate the person who offers them.  

with gratitude,
your friend,
lynn

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