What do you think of this for asking for honesty?

[isittoolate]

--to my daughter

****
If you hated “Tennessee Waltz” so much, why did you not tell me to not play it on the piano?

Some songs I hate too. Were you afraid of me? I was afraid of you.

You had chores around the house from age 8-19, but you complained about them all. Did you not like the chores? >> Or that I asked you to do them? >> Or did you figure we could live in a slum?

I loved the time (because we weren’t hurt) when the screen burglar came to our house, and so calmly you said, “Mom. Please come out and call the police as someone is breaking into our house”. I bummed outta bed to the only phone, kitchen, and dialed 911, while you brought me my ‘chair—and I don’t know if you threw on some jeans with your T-shirt and panties, but I remember that I couldn’t remember my name and you told the policeman, then you couldn’t remember your name so I told the policeman. Then Irma and Elroy arrived the next day, to calm our hearts, while he fixed the screen and it was for Vicki’s Baseball tournament.

You seem to be concerned about my drinking. Maybe you have it out if context. I ALWAYS had a bottle in the fridge and poured a drink when I came home from work & was making dinner, at Queen St. Then the same at our house on Nelson Sq., but do you remember my telling you about my tinnitus? I had these awful noises in my right ear and went from one doctor to another and each one I told that a shot of rye, or two, or more (and Ken was always bringing booze, as did Gord when I did his books, etc.) would stop the noise. Not one doctor had an answer and after 10 bloody years of that noise, it finally stopped, all on its own and no one knew the beginning or the end.

Then I sold the house and lived at Kozlov for 2 years with no visitors to speak of , but you amd Gus twice, and finally was moved into a filthy cellar, on Dundas St. E. in Toronto. I couldn’t believe that this had been done to me, all for the sake of another down payment on the farm—I moved in, sight unseen and at your okay! I was appalled! No windows, no steps, yet I was able to get out, and then I was padlocked in. Was this a plan of Gus’ or of the both of you? My therapist wants to know if it was intentional to imprison me.

 My therapist also wants to know if you were a part of dismissing me on May 11, 1991. DID YOU reject me that day too?

 For my well being, I need to know what was in your mind for these psychological traumas. I need this for next Wednesday!

Thanks
Mom

[isittoolate]

I have a daughter to answer I see--
***********************

You want to know too, not just your therapist.  You can ask me for your own sake.
 
I have absolutely no memory of you being padlocked in the apartment.  I do not deny it might have happened, but I don't remember.  I remember a great deal of shame bringing you to that place when it wasn't finished like it was supposed to be.  Then lots of promises about its getting done, and getting done, and I was still foolish enough for several years to believe in him, even though I fell out of love with him on the day I brought KC home from the hospital, (or at least that is the moment I pin it on).  However, now, without an education, an infant, and no job, I felt as trapped as you must have, but still hopeful that things would change.  Foolish.
 
Eventually, I took things into my own hands and went apartment shopping in Peterborough.  It was the only way to make it better.  I found two, and you picked one of those.
 
No, I did not reject you that day. I felt terrible.  But I was weak willed and innocent still, and allowed myself to be convinced that he was right and you were wrong.  And I was afraid of him, afraid he'd take my child.  He knew enough of our history to build on that to try to convince me that I should be supporting him, not you.  Eventually I convinced myself that it was the right thing to do, as I'd chosen him as my husband.  It was a poor and broken logic, but that's how it went in my head.  Do you not remember that tearful apology I gave you once on the phone when I lived at Jackman Rd. in Bowmanville?  How I told you how sorry I was that I'd allowed myself to be used, that it was wrong of me to have behaved that way?  I think now that I used our history together to justify our separation, you and I.
 
All kids hate chores.  All kids complain about them.  I'll assume that your angry question about the slum was rhetorical.
 
I did not tell you not to play it because it was your house too.  You had a right to play it.  At least that's how I feel now.  I suspect there was some fear of reprisal back then.
 

[Portia]

Hi Izzy

I saw that you headed the second post with: I have a daughter to answer I see--

and I wondered what you meant by that? I mean, she answers you, and she asks two questions, maybe one (maybe the second is rhetorical).

How/why do you think you have a daughter to answer? Not sure I get your meaning there Izzy.

[Hopalong]

Hi Izz...

(Me pretending to be you--just my fantasy dialogue/letter, but it's not you, I know, it's a way of trying to get things for me sometime):

I'm going to deal with any leftover hurt or anger with my therapist as much as I can, because I am so grateful that we're talking. You have turned out to be such a wonderful woman. I am so proud of you. I know you did all you knew how to do at the time and I forgive you completely. I'm still working on forgiving myself. Gus will take me forever. But I really do understand that you were young and didn't then know how to stand up to it all.

I am working very hard at all this awareness. Thank you for writing me all of this.

I love you very much.

Mom
-------------
And Izz, I wouldn't use any sarcasm at all with her. It's tender and important, to be talking. That stops people from hearing each other.

Hope that advice is welcome. Please forgive if it's too presumptuous.
Maybe it would be good to inject a little lightness too.
I loved the story of her dialing the cops...that so shows your maternal pride in her!
I bet she'd love to hear more happy memories, more stories that show how you valued her.

hugs
Hops

[isittoolate]

Thank you all,
I wrote to my daughter as the therapist wanted the answer to one question. I put the time table on it  I needed a reply for myself before the next appointment, to the 2 issues.

She answered so quickly that I had her answer to post before anyone else responded and the answers were there.

Some things can be taken out of context from years ago, on her part and on my part, and I am addressing what I can think of that might have bothered her and something we never discussed.

Her father was an alcoholic and she knew that, but was still unaware of what constituted alcholism. Yes,I treated an ear noise ( an odd tinnitus, as it went away), with alcohol--it constricted the blood vessels and lessened the noise. My mother also had no idea about alcoholism. She said that my dad had drunk 4 bottles of whiskey in one day, to a sister. Sister called me to go check and the whiskey was beer. I don't drink whiskey anymore.

I am showing you folks how certain incidents can be misconstrued. I certainly need the proper spin from someone who was there and can remember her thoughts. As on the day my son-in-law dismissed me, my therapist wanted to know my duighter's thoughts--Did she dismiss me too? I have often wondered and now I have seen her answer.

It appears we are co-operating very well in straightening out the issues.

No Ami. I do not require for her to build me up. I ask of her what thoughts she had at certain times when her N husband was controlling her life and dividing the two of us, going on now 23 years since they met and 17 years since he dismissed me. It wasn't her. It was him, but she can answer wirth her thoughts.

The therapist is guiding me in very good directions about setting the record straight--something I was too angry to do on my own.

Thank you Hops. There will be a time for such a letter, after I ask her about one more incident---too far apart from the others to be included, and too much of a load all at once for her and might have turned her off answering honestly--the honesty is for her thoughts about herself and for me.

I just can feel the gap between us closing.

lov to all
Izzy

[teartracks]

((((((((((((((((((((((Iz/daughter closing the gap)))))))))))))))))))))

Three cool chicks, you, your daughter and your therapist!

tt

[isittoolate]

Thank you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((TT )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You can see it!!

I have another post but it isn't mailed to my daughter yet---too soon after the others--will post as is and see what replies i have BEFORE daughter receives it.

Love
Izzy

[isittoolate]

Hi Ami

Your message might read:

It is nice when mother (and daughter) are trying to be re-united. I am really happy for you.      Love Ami

I have begun this on my own and so far have had my daughter's honesty.

What the end result will be, is still unknown. Please leave me a little leeway for failure!

Love
Izzy