new quote from N mother

[towrite]

I gave my 87 yr-old NM a book to read, a novel about the families of school shooters (19 Minutes by Jodi Picoult). She likes it (it is a wonderfully articulate story) but kept asking me, "But you can tell those parents loved those kids! So how did these kids turn to this?" Over and over she asked. Finally I said that no matter how much the parents loved these kids, they were oblivious to the kids, didn't see 'em, didn't hear 'em, were too self-involved to have any idea of who their kids really were. The parents never took the time (this is crystal clear in the book) to get to know these kids, to really talk to 'em.

My NM's reply was ---- are you ready? ----- "I noticed the kids never talked to the parents. Why wouldn't they go to the parents when something was bothering them?"   

My response - about how it's the parents responsibility to make it as comfortable as possible for kids to talk to them, it's not the kids responsibility 'cuz the parents are the adults, and if the parents would take their heads out of their self-involved behinds they might be able to see their kids are in trouble (of course I didn't word it that way with her) - really rocked her.

I was treading on thin ice here 'cuz we have never, ever broached the subject on a personal level. I was talking about our rel'ship through the book, naturally, so I had to be careful not to accuse her. My response was obviously Chinese to her, but, since we were "only" talking about a book, she took it in and only replied, "Oh."

It was an interesting moment anyway. I wasn't trying to get her to see her behavior; just using a nonthreatening vehicle, like a bestseller, to see how much she could talk about it.

towrite

[isittoolate]

Oh towrite

The standard reply to something like this:

They just don't get it!

Good on you for trying!
Love Izzy

[Margo]

I'm not surprised by her comments at all.  It makes my chest hurt, up high, to picture a mama saying that about communication with children.  Putting the responsibility on the children to exhibit better communication skills than the parents.  ::shaking head::
Margo

[finding peace]

Towrite,

First of all, LMAO –

if the parents would take their heads out of their self-involved behinds

On a more serious note - this kind of response, although it appalls me, does not surprise me. 

It reminds me of something my father once said to me, in this deep and profound voice (as though he was attempting to enlighten me so that I could reach a new and higher level of consciousness, which he was wont to do as he felt he was on par with God):  “You kids have caused me deep disappointment at one time or another; you are just going to have to learn how to live with that disappointment.” 

I looked him dead in the eyes and said, “dad, it is your disappointment, not mine.  I am not disappointed in myself.  YOU are the one that has to learn to live with your disappointment, not me.” (Probably the type of comment that used to get me in so much trouble when I was a kid.)
 
He got the most confused look on his face it was comical. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t groveling at his feet asking his forgiveness for having disappointed him.  He shook his head a couple of times, and then quickly changed the subject.

(As an aside – his statement was not normal was it?  My childhood was so abnormal, sometimes I need a reality check as to what is normal and what isn’t.  I can’t imagine saying something like this to my kids, but maybe it wasn’t that far off the charts? )

Peace

[Hopalong]

Peace,
What a wonderfully centered, assertive reply you made to him.

Wow.

Hops

[finding peace]

Thanks Hops,

Most of the time I did not verbalize what I was thinking with my father - disagreeing with him was usually like poking a rabid bull in the eye with a red hot poker.  Sometimes though, I just couldn’t help myself - the craziness was too much for me to keep quiet.

I also wanted to thank you for a response you wrote in another thread regarding accepting another’s choices at the end of their life.  I do wonder sometimes if I had pushed harder if the outcome would have been different, but I won’t allow myself to own it.  He had the information and made his choice.  Sadly, I believe that it was his N’ism that killed him and not the cancer.

Peace