I am sorry Izzy

[finding peace]

Dear Izzy,

I saw something you wrote in another thread about how it was difficult for you to read the posts that discuss toxic mothers.  I am so sorry if anything that I have written has caused you distress.

CB wrote something in another thread – about how there are probably a lot of people on this site who would like to have had you for a mother.  She is right.  I used to dream of the day when my mother would extend a non-poisonous hand to try and reconcile or to develop a new and better relationship between us.  I was the one always extending my hand only to have it bitten.  I am by no means perfect and I don’t expect her to be perfect.  All it would have taken was some small (real) attempt to meet me part way. 

The fact that you are trying to reach your daughter, through all of the pain and miscommunication of the past, and forge a new and better relationship with her, tells me that you are a really good mother.

From what I have read, you have had more on your plate than most people would ever come close to experiencing in multiple lifetimes.  Through all of this, you are focusing on healing, healing for both you and your daughter, and your relationship together.  You are an inspiration to me. 

Again, I am sorry if any of my posts have caused you any distress.  Would it help if I preface any posts where I discuss my momster with – “izzy may trigger?”

Peace

[isittoolate]

Findingpeace

This is so gracious of you. Thank you.

Yes it is a problem to read of daughters trying to get away from their mothers, when I am trying establish another relationship with my daughter, after her N husband dismised me in 1991.

I have a therapy appointment today to discuss her and her machinations.

I am arriving at the conclusion that she might have taken on some N tendencies from her 10 year marriage to an N, plus they have 3 children and she still has contact with him.

I have been putting the pieces together in the past few days and I feel she is controlling and manipulating my life. This puts a new spin on the situation.

Unless I do as she says there will be no contact, so I have fervently been searching the Internet etc. about me and
well I posted a few things=-=--one, the Making of a Narcissist
and
Some people adopt the role of a professional victim. In doing so, they become self-centred, devoid of empathy and, abusive and exploitative. In other words, they become narcissists.

I felt that was very important for me! then I see the sarcasm and anger (very subtle) in her emails and after one relatively good message, it is followed by another that is pulling away.

No I will NOT beg for her love if she has been so affected by her N (ex) that I am now her victim.

I can always think of her as a little girl, a growing up to be an excellent student, an Honour student in grade 8, then grade 13 talented violinist, gave her gym, baton, swim lessons, allowed her choices in things tried to guide her through age appropriate stages of life, provided for her allowed her to use the car, with stipulations. yada yada, but I was in a wheelchair from her age 6.

When she met the N it was all different, only had 1½ years of University because he neglected to tell her he owed $250,000.00 when they married and was always taking for loans from me.

I had to sue him to get it back.
$55,000.00

This is all one big mess, and I might end up being the mother dumping the N daughter.---- (a bit upset here at these new insights.)

All the Best
You don't have to mark your posts. No one has to-----now!

Love
Izzy

[Hopalong]

Izz, hon...

You don't have to decide. You don't. At least not now.
This communication is so new and so important.

If you find she can try to be manipulative sometimes, or sometimes is sarcastic...hang on.

Sometimes we're so N-phobic that we throw the baby out with the bathwater.

I think it could be premature to make a major decision like "dumping" her on the basis of an email relationship.

I'd surely wait for something else. I'm glad you're talking to your T about it.

Emails can sometimes move faster and more drastically than would be healthy, or at an unnatural pace.

Take the time you need to process things. Take a little break from writing (just tell her you'll be busy 'til the weekend or something, so you're not cutting the tie...).

Remember you can't really be sure she's not a person you can build anew with, on the basis of email. At least I hope not...

love
Hops

[CB123]

Iz,

I wanted to corroborate what Hops said.  Sometimes kids say stuff to push you away and see how you will react.  They may not even realize they are doing it.  I think the ones who feel abandoned do it the most. 

When things start getting intimate, when it looks like the relationship might be starting to heal--they will push away to see if abandonment follows.  They will set up some impossible test, or threat, to see if we will react by rejecting them.  If it's a test, we don't want to fall into the trap.  They don't want us to either--they just feel compelled to set it anyway.

Be patient, Iz.  Count to one trillion.  Use her tests to explore your feelings.  Make everything that happens an opportunity to learn.

Love
CB

[isittoolate]

Does anyone here remember my post when I said:

"This is usually when I bow out!" after everyone knows all my horrible past etc.

and strangely enough I am still here with all my horrible past and problems!!

BUT

I feel a trillion times better about me that I did back when. I feel like I could take on Nick Nolte!!!!!

Love
Izzy

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[axa]

Dear Izzy,

I hear you working so hard tomake sense of the madness you have lived through.  I read your posts and want to acknowledge your strength and honesty

axa