it's been a long time since I wrote about this, but I had one of those insecurity moments today, the kind which mothers like mine prime us for the rest of our lives....
I forgot to meet a friend last night then left my phone in the car so I missed her 8 calls asking where the heck I was.
Of course by the time I saw them it was too late to call and i was mortified that I let someone down.
So today when i tried to call her three times as soon as I spoke the line went dead. The 4 th time was no answer and I left a brief message.
My heart was in my mouth, I thought she must be so upset she won't speak to me....I was walking the dog and suddenly felt panic that something terrible had happened because I did something wrong.
This used to happen to me all the time but this is the first time in a while.
I pulled myself together, told myself she's a good kind friend who i can depend upon to be reasonable..... and even though I was pretty sure my friend wouldn't be mad- or stay mad- at me I didn't quite feel right until she called a few hours later when she accepted my apology immediately, laughed it off, and we arranged to meet again next week.
All my childhood was the sky about to fall in if I wasn't perfect. That's what growing up with alcoholic parents is like, they have no room to let you be and observe what is.
Anger was something to be wielded not just an expression of some emotion....the only emotion was anger, same in the man I went on to marry.
Sometimes I thought if he wasn't angry a lot I wouldn't know he had feelings at all.
The best thing was the panic didn't ruin my walk, and I was able to think about it all after ( in the third person- no! but quite clearly ) and see what happened and how i fell back into an old reaction momentarily.
