Black and White thinking

[poetprose]

Hello all,

My hubby and his dad just had another blow up, as per usual, when ever this happens, I notice that both of them get into this black and white term thinking and acting out

its all extreme or nothing....... Does anyone have any insights on how to work with this ? any tool or tips

I don't want to get in the middle of their nonsense I just want to be able to cope with the aftermath , keep my own sanity in the process

thxPoet

[Hopalong]

Hi Poet...

I'd say make tracks, get distance, go away for a day or two.

Make it clear by your absence that they can create emotional havoc for themselves if they wish, but you won't hang around to have it depress or infect you.

For what it's worth, my two cents...

Hops

[Green]

Hi Poetprose,

I don't know the background on your story, but here is my first reaction -

I think you already answered your own question, which just goes to show how well you are doing.  It is so important to recognize that this is "nonsense" and that you needn't get in the middle of it.  It can be really helpful to treat these events like an exercise, trying to remain objective, look for the flags waving that say "ok, I recognize this, this is black/white thinking.  This is nonsense"  then realize it is not about you, and you can't make it better for them.  Take care of yourself.

good luck!

Green

[WRITE]

This is an excellent site by Wayne Froggatt

http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/bel1.htm

I go back to these again and again- extremely helpful and well-written

~W

Here is some of his writing:


Two Types of Disturbance
REBT suggests that human beings defeat or ‘disturb’ themselves in two main ways: (1) by holding irrational beliefs about their ‘self’ (ego disturbance) or (2) by holding irrational beliefs about their emotional or physical comfort (discomfort disturbance). Frequently, the two go together – people may think irrationally about both their ‘selves’ and their circumstances – though one or the other will usually be predominant.

Inferences
In everyday life, events and circumstances trigger off two levels of thinking: inferring and evaluating. First, we make guesses or inferences about what is ‘going on’ – what we think has happened, is happening, or will be happening. Inferences are statements of ‘fact’ (or at least what we think are the facts – they can be true or false). Inferences that are irrational usually consist of the following ‘distortions of reality’:

Black and white thinking

Filtering

Over-generalisation

Mind-reading

Fortune-telling

Emotional reasoning

Personalising

The seven types of inferential thinking described above have been outlined by Aaron Beck and his associates (see, for example: Burns, David M. Feeling Good: The new mood therapy. Signet, New American Library, New York, 1980). In REBT, a person’s inferences are regarded as part of the ‘A’.

Evaluations
More significantly from the REBT perspective, as well as making inferences about things that hap­pen, we go beyond the ‘facts’ to evaluate them in terms of what they mean to us. Evaluations are sometimes conscious, sometimes beneath awareness. Irrational evaluations consist of one or more of the following four types:

Demandingness. Referred to colourfully by Ellis as ‘musturbation’, de­mandingness refers to the way people use unconditional shoulds and absolutistic musts – believing that certain things must or must not happen, and that certain con­ditions (for example success, love, or approval) are absolute necessities. Demandingness implies certain ‘Laws of the Universe’ that must be adhered to. Demands can be directed either toward oneself or others. Some REBT theorists see demandingness as the ‘core’ type of irrational think­ing, suggesting that the other three types derive from it

Awfulising. Exaggerating the conse­quences of past, present or future events; seeing something as awful, terrible, horrible – the worst that could happen.

Discomfort intolerance (often referred to as ‘can’t-stand-it-itis’). This is based on the idea that one cannot bear some circumstance or event. It often follows awfulising, and leads to demands that certain things not happen.

People-Rating. People-rating refers to the process of evaluating one’s entire self (or someone else’s). In other words, trying to determine the total value of a person or judging their worth. It represents an overgeneralisation. The person evaluates a specific trait, behaviour or action according to some standard of desirability or worth. Then they apply the evaluation to their total person – eg. ‘I did a bad thing, there­fore I am a bad person.’ People-rating can lead to reactions like self-downing, depression, defensive­ness, grandiosity, hostility, or overconcern with ap­proval and disapproval.

[poetprose]

Thankyou all for your input. 

>>Some REBT theorists see demandingness as the ‘core’ type of irrational think­ing, <<<<

I find the above interesting, I never looked at it like that.

this FIL of mine does all of things listed below, and then add a heaping helping of meanness and that is who we deal with.