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A Story and a Few Words of Encouragement

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Dr. Richard Grossman:
Three months ago, my beloved 14 ˝ year old Golden Retriever, W., died of kidney failure.  W. was my first dog, and both my wife and daughter would complain, half-joking, that I loved him more than them.  W. slept at the foot of the bed:  every night I would give him a kiss on the snout, and depending upon how well he was feeling, he would either lick my hands or give me an air kiss or two.  When he had had a particularly good day, he would tuck my fingers between his gums and the side of his mouth.  

When W. died I felt both grief and panic.  The grief was, relatively speaking, easy.  I would cry a few times a day, share stories with my family and friends, talk to my patients who spent time with him on the porch before or after sessions—or wave to him if they felt too shy (voiceless?) to intrude.  The hard part was the panic.  To the readers of this forum, the panic is probably easy to explain and all too familiar.  If W. is not there, he is no longer real, and if he is no longer real, what was the point of his existing in the first place, and thus, what was the point of my existence?  I was reminded again what I have often experienced and what my patients tell me (what the Tom Hanks character discovers in the movie “Castaway”):  if you are all alone, nothing is real.  Although my rational brain counter argued, these feelings plagued me for weeks.

About a month ago, I had a dream W. was at the foot of the bed.  I knew he was dead, but still he was there.  I could get up, give him a kiss on the snout, feel his fur on my lips, receive some licks, experience his pleasure—all of which I did, still knowing he was dead.  In the morning I woke up and felt, for the first time in months, relief and calm.  W. wasn’t in his usual spot, but I had finally re-found him inside of myself.

I write this because I want to encourage people to keep posting.  As you know not everyone on this board will agree or even hear.  There will be arguments, fights--and panic when the person/people you want most to listen, can’t or won’t.  But if you keep at it, honestly, genuinely, and vulnerably, you will find your way into, at least, some of the hearts on this board (mine included), and you will be a little less alone.

Richard

Survivor:
Dr. Grossman,

Thank you so much for the touching story.  My father died two months ago and I find myself having the same feelings.  I still cry a few times a week  :cry: and the grief is lessening with each "good cry".  You put exactly how I'm feeling into words that I could not express.  You have helped me more than you will know.

Thanks so much for caring for all of us here on the board . . . finding people who have been in the same situations has helped me tremendously!

Survivor

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: Richard Grossman ---

I write this because I want to encourage people to keep posting.  As you know not everyone on this board will agree or even hear.  There will be arguments, fights--and panic when the person/people you want most to listen, can’t or won’t.  But if you keep at it, honestly, genuinely, and vulnerably, you will find your way into, at least, some of the hearts on this board (mine included), and you will be a little less alone.

Richard
--- End quote ---


It was a beautiful story that you shared with us about your dog. Richard, this also does show me a compassionate side, your human face. That you have a heart, that you cry. A man crying is obviously compassionate and gentle. But I don't get how this relates to your locking the 4 threads.

Do you feel the need to remove any possible image you've created of a heavy handed, male authoritarian, chauvinist? Re- the type Alice Miller talks about. Is this your feifdom? Are you Lord? Do you rule with an iron fist? Or are you sloppy, allowing the situation to get to the point that it did? People's emotions getting stretched the limit.

Part of me thinks that you closing these threads was "Well done."

The thing had escalated to the point that I was beginning to worry about the spouses and children of those fighting. People off balance, you would know, often take it out on their nearest and dearest.

But why did you wait so long? Then your action was somewhat like 'coitus interruptus'. CHOP! No more. And I geet such an overwhelming feeling that you doing this has CREATED voicelessness.

PLUS, you gave no warning beforehand of what you were going to do. You only gave one warning. You warned guest that would delete guests post. So you do do this, warn I mean.

You didn't suggest they take it to PM, warn, or ask them to do anything, like tone it down, take time out. You decided unilaterally, for them, for everybody. This seems so male authoritarian to me. "Girl's, go to your room." "Yes Dad!"

Leading up to this, did you intervene and moderate at any time?

You just seemed to let these things go on, and on, and on.

I apologise if I'm wrong about you Richard, but I think you should have at least given warning about what you intended to do, well before you did it. Giving them the chance to settle down and take it in a different direction. Hard Call? Maybe, but it's got me wondering? Hey, maybe they did take to PM, maybe that's where everybody is. :D  :D  :D  :D

I think I would hate to be one of those people now. I think I'd feel completely humiliated and silenced.  :oops:  :oops:  :oops:  :oops:

You seem to adopt the approach in most cases of conflict of sitting back and watching it. And that these problems usually sort themselves out. If this is true, then there seems to me to be another side of this power that you hold. You have the power of intervention at any time. Why leave it go so long, when people are losing it, and well into hysteria to give it 'Then chop!'

I hope I haven't offended you Richard. I know what it's like to lose a beloved family pet. I'm glad you found him/her again in your heart. This post was not intended in any way to trivialise your story or your pain, I assure you.

I just wanted to express my confused thoughts about you at the moment, and let you know that I think I have developed some feelings of mistrust about you after this event.

I hope that's all it is, and I'm just confused at the moment about all this. So I open myself up here to you and all, criticise away. I wanted to open this up for discussion, and I just hope  :lol:  that if you or others want or feel the need to defend you Richard and your actions, please take note of the fact that although I post as guest I too am a fellow human being with feelings. Also I'm just asking questions and sharing with you all my concerns about what is happening.

Concerned Guest

lynn:
Hi Richard,

Thanks for the board and for the message.  I'm sorry about your friend/dog.  Losing a devoted, trusted and loyal friend like W is so hard.

I agree with your comments about panic being one of the more difficult emotions to deal with.  It feels so open ended.  So over the edge.  The out of control nature of panic is unfamiliar and unsettling.  It feels like you might enter no-mans-land and never return. In another thread there was a discussion about feeling sad and being okay with it.  It is more difficult to feel panic and be okay with it.  The only thing I know to do is to slow down my mind (with reading, with lights on).  To attempt to change the nature of my thoughts.  

I don't know if that is the healthiest option, but sometimes it works.  I have not had the courage to stay with the panic and let it happen.

Thanks again for the board and the encouragement to post.  Even here I sometimes feel frightened to post my thoughts.  Not yet enough self-confidence in my thoughts.  But it is great to have a place to try to communicate my thoughts and to recieve  thoughtful responses.

lynn

phoenix:
bye

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