Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
A Story and a Few Words of Encouragement
topaz:
Great message concerned guest.
I really respect what you wrote...
Nic:
Dear Richard,
you can't believe how much your story had an impact on my heart.
When I was a little boy, my N parents thought a dog was the only "thing" missing in our household..the only accessory left out of THEIR perceived perfect effort at making our family look the part. And so they purchased a beautiful black Labrador for my brother and I.
He did not have a very long life..although during it M learned to watch Tarzan ( in french!) with my brother and I every saturday evening..we were both fascinated with him for that. He was hugable, squeezable..licky and friendly..but most especially he was loving toward us...unlike my parents.
Having this dog seemed to be a last ditch effort on their part to " make us happy" or else...That very summer, my brother and I were taken to visit a boarding school and enrolled for the coming year. We left home..having been ill prepared for such a departure, thinking we would come back soon to our home and our dog.
When we returned, a full month later, N mother had had the dog put down. Just like that..when we, in shock attempted a protest, we were faced with a barrage of her excuses and an order to remain reasonable and understanding. There are of course many other episodes of being put before a fait accompli ..including the story of another dog M2, a beautiful golden Labrador who spent more time with my family, much to the disdain and displeasure of my drug addicted and alcoholic N mother. She hated the dog, and was to my astonishment and bewilderment, bitterly jealous of him!
Both my brother and I were of age to go to University and strangely had not even considered escaping with M2 just in case she did it again. We probably considered this happening again individually, silently..as we were perfectly Voiceless then. And, the inevitable happened..we came home to a drunken/sedated N mother who swore the dog had escaped and hadn't been seen in days...We knew it was a lie and we voicelessly, silently hated N mother..indeed N parents more than ever before but could not express it.
In 1989, I, Nic, had an episode of cancer. I had treatments every day of the week for six weeks. A few years earlier I kept a promise I had made to myself after my mom had my dogs murdered. I had chosen a beautiful German shepherd dog ( they had always been my favourites) and called him B.
B was there with me throughout my illness. He slept with me, ate with me, listened to me..we had a life! When the community nurse came to my home to give me treatments, he eyeballed her until she left. He saw to it that she was nice to daddy! Some days I was so tired he would actually sense it and forego one walk to let me rest a while longer..he really cared, he really understood.
When he died..kidney cancer gone metastatic..he was a sight for sore eyes. From day to day I could see him fading away..I couldn't face it..and when I did it was stoically. You gotta go when you gotta go..blah blah blah!
He died. I didn't feel anything. One morning, a very dear friend at work asked me what was new. I started to tell her about B..her eyes were filling with tears as I spoke..and I completely lost it. A full three days after his passing! Having as a reflex the capacity to auto-criticize myself, I launched into all out war against myself. I loathed the fact that I had had a delayed reaction to my best friend's death! How could I? Maybe I was heartless and self serving after all! Maybe I was all that my N parents said I was...
Those feelings continued for a long time..until I came here and put my finger on my real problem. That I was raised voiceless. I think it is possible to love a pet more than one's own family..if only in appearance. There is a special silent love between beings who can't speak and children/people who don't have a voice. There is an understanding from both of how silence works. Voicelessness is the bad side of silence..but there is beauty in silence..there is sometimes deeper meaning to what is not expressed by words because words can't cover it all. Silence, appropriate, graceful and peaceful silence is the language of the heart. It seems that both you and I have spoken this language to our pets. Perhaps we can find refuge, solace in this silence, comfort in the unspoken yet understood during the difficult times.
I have three dogs now..since B's death..how 'bout you?
Love Nic.
surf14:
HI Nic;
this post brought tears to my eyes. I am an animal lover as well and have lost several very special animals that were like children to me. I hope you are recovering from your unspeakable childhood and wish you the best with your animal family. Surf
Nic:
Dear Surf 14
I didn't want to miss the opportunity to thank you for your kind words in response to my post.
Yes I am recovering from my horrible childhood. It is at times a very lonely experience..i'm working hard to tame that loneliness with which I have lived a very long time.
I know logically that we all get lonely..i know we are all ultimately alone. I deal better with aloneness than loneliness however. The latter is a product of,whereas the first is a state of mind, or a condition over which we have no control.
Loneliness..yes well..one more thing to solve right? It's an emotion, a feeling that is unpleasant. I've learned that I don't have to feel this way or that way. Living is not about emotions..emotions are much like the atmosphere or the weather, they come and go. My Nparents are weather-like and once they've dumped whatever it is they're going to on me, they go away.
I've severed links to them and so i don't experience their projections and conditions directly. We speak mainly through barristers and sollicitors. Isn't that typical of the N though..no matter what contact you have with them they make sure you somehow have to pay! So be it..
Thanks again for your support and kind words,
the doggies are fine thank you! :)
love Nic :)
rosencrantz:
Finally come back to respond to the original post. Couldn't connect with the dog thing. The PrissyPants family shiver slightly at getting so 'involved' with an animal. :wink: And I was in a WHAT are you talking about mood. I am NOT going to connect with THAT. Hmmph.
--- Quote ---In the morning I woke up and felt, for the first time in months, relief and calm. W. wasn’t in his usual spot, but I had finally re-found him inside of myself.
--- End quote ---
Finally 'got it' today. I didn't realise that my father was the buffer between me and my mother until he died. The buffer had gone. I was open for major punishment with no shield beside me or in front of me. No-one to stand for logic, no-one to say 'give over', no-one to stop 'her' ripping me apart. And it opened up all sorts of wounds.
Especially the one about my sanity. What's real? What she believes or what I think? What she says she does or what I feel she does? I can cry out for as many 'reality checks' as I like and it don't make a bit of difference to the uncertainty underneath - and the guilt for thinking 'differently'.
And, finally, today, I 'got' it. The buffer now comes inside me! I'm not sure how much my father was a buffer anyway - but he 'stood for' the concept of a 'buffer' 'out there'. Maybe it was always 'in here' anyway and I just 'thought' it was 'out there'.
Anyway, if the buffer is now inside me, my sense of my 'self' and what's real becomes stronger. I can determine what's real without guilt and without uncertainty.
I've always had a rational question mark about everything - THAT stays. It's important to question our presumptions and assumptions. But the uncertainty, the guilt, that's derived from my relationship with my BARMY mother - goes!!! As someone said to me recently 'Black IS white'. And she didn't even know my mother!!! :wink: I'll have my own rainbows - double rainbows in fact - and I'll enjoy them without wondering if they are real or if I'm real or if I'm BARMY, too!!!
Work in progress.
R
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