note to N mother

[Overcomer]

What I have done is just set my boundaries and allow my mom to blame me.  I do not care what she thinks or says about me as long as I get the boundary.  My family is too important to me to peter all ties.  I would never "Dare" her to take ME out of her will-I would simply be cordial and not take her stuff!

[Hopalong]

Yup, Izz...
I was agreeing with you, that dialogue about that opens a door for the N to reach in a tentacle and toy with you...

I agree, Bella, that my mother's estate belongs to her. I feel some shame that I even entertained any sense of entitlement. I remember that I was really desperately scared about the future. No retirement plan, no security whatsoever, and a commitment to care for her for the rest of her life. (My brother comes to visit a couple times a year.) So I am not sure I'm entitled, and perhaps I should nobly renounce it now. But I won't. There was too much fear, too much toying-with...and I honestly felt I "earned it" as her unpaid governess, nanny, sitter, and support.

Until about a year ago, I felt like Cinderella.

But the way I was raised, particularly by my father...it was a shameful thing to recognize how furious I was that she would strip me of my shelter in order to "look good" to my brother, who does not need the help.

Nah. I'm not "right." But I am relieved.

Hops

[Bella_French]

I know Hops...its so confronting, because the money would help, especially since so many of us have had to battle with fears surrounding survival and independence (because of our parents). The bonus of a nice inheritance would be very, very nice, wouldn't it? I mean its something most people can expect, and there are certain emotions tied to it; its not `just money'. I hate `inheritance' games.

Hops, anyone who cares for their elderly parent, especially a toxic parent, has `earned' their inheritance. But its not really something most people feel like they have to earn is it? it so unfair that you even have to think about it, or feel guilt or shame about wanting to inherit what should be yours.

I only have my attitude about my parent's money being `their's' because it clears things is up in MY mind, and helps me keep strong about my boundaries.

PS. Hops, when you agreed to care for your mother, was there a sense of obligation or fear that you would not be left your inheritance?

X Bella

[Hopalong]

Bella,
At first, I didn't even think about it at all.
I leapt into the companion-caretaker role with cheer.

Then the unemployment nightmare began, and for several years, my mother still expected me to pay her for sleeping in my old room. I did, for about three years. My mother's demands for daily attention and service were exhausting. Now, I don't resent it. Because she can't help it. But until a year or two back, she was hale and hearty and driving her car and very independent...except every day when she clutched and manipulated and plucked and whined and complained and needled and badgered and --well, you get the idea.

Then a friend said, "You're an au pair who pays for the privilege!"

Finally, after the 4th job in this small city had evaporated (for one year, I even commuted to California half the month) and I realized that my career was gone and I would never be able to earn a full living as I had been in the big city...my fears set in. She always pooh-poohed my worries, wouldn't listen to anything I tried to tell her about the out-of-control housing situation here, and then, seeing my fear and vulnerability...that's when the serious triangulating and manipulating and using the house like a carrot or stick began.

I think a lot of it was unconscious Nreflexive behavior and I am not angry any more. It's resolved, so although I inherit a mortgage too and will never really be out of debt, I have a chance at hanging onto it. Though I'll need to rent out room/s.

thanks for caring, Bella...
love
Hops

[isittoolate]

Yup, Izz...
I was agreeing with you, that dialogue about that opens a door for the N to reach in a tentacle and toy with you...

Yup Hops.
thanks for agreeing..

..and Hugs all 'round for straightening me out on the dots............................

Izzy

[Bella_French]

Bella,
At first, I didn't even think about it at all.
I leapt into the companion-caretaker role with cheer.

Then the unemployment nightmare began, and for several years, my mother still expected me to pay her for sleeping in my old room. I did, for about three years. My mother's demands for daily attention and service were exhausting. Now, I don't resent it. Because she can't help it. But until a year or two back, she was hale and hearty and driving her car and very independent...except every day when she clutched and manipulated and plucked and whined and complained and needled and badgered and --well, you get the idea.

Then a friend said, "You're an au pair who pays for the privilege!"

Finally, after the 4th job in this small city had evaporated (for one year, I even commuted to California half the month) and I realized that my career was gone and I would never be able to earn a full living as I had been in the big city...my fears set in. She always pooh-poohed my worries, wouldn't listen to anything I tried to tell her about the out-of-control housing situation here, and then, seeing my fear and vulnerability...that's when the serious triangulating and manipulating and using the house like a carrot or stick began.

I think a lot of it was unconscious Nreflexive behavior and I am not angry any more. It's resolved, so although I inherit a mortgage too and will never really be out of debt, I have a chance at hanging onto it. Though I'll need to rent out room/s.

thanks for caring, Bella...
love
Hops

You're a special Lady Hops. Your mother is so lucky to have you close by to care for her. Your attitude is such a gift, and it is inspiring to me, with all my fears surrounding dealing with the same scenario in the future. How is she doing now?   

[Hopalong]

Well, for someone who'll be 97 in a few months, amazingly well.
She has been declining a lot in the last year, especially the last six months.

But she can still walk (very tenuously with a walker or cane), read (without much retention but she enjoys it), enjoy chatting (though she doesn't remember enough to make real conversations work any more), dress herself (although if I'm not downstairs right when she's ready to go to bed she'll go to sleep in her clothes), and get herself to the bathroom.

Most of the time she has little pain (her back hurts now and then). She sleeps way more than she used to.

I hope I have her genes. But I more likely have my Dad's.

Is it true that the parent you resemble on the outside is the parent whose resilience or lack thereof you resemble on the inside?

Thank you (((Bella))),

Hops

[Overcomer]

I think inheritance has been a big topic on this board.  Almot every book I have read on Narcissism has talked about taking the Ns stuff in order to get an inheritance in the end.  I think you can try to have it both ways.  You can try to be nice so in the end you are not disinherited.  BUT I also believe that you can set boundaries to protect yourself.  When I first set boundaries it was a major deal.  My nmom was so used to getting her way in every single situation.  She was used to being able to control and manipulate me ALWAYS.  When I finally set boundaries AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS it was a bit unnerving for her.  She thought I had lost it.....and I had.  But now she respects my boundaries for the most part.  One of the ways I ensure this is I speak out loud my boundaries in front of other people.  It gives me validation when others tell me in front of my mom that I am doing the right thing.  For instance......in a business meeting with a consultant I told everyone that I had a 12 year old autistic daughter and I was not willing to sacrifice her well being for our business - therefore, I would take a step back for the next five years until I get her grown.  Although my mom understands this concept she still leans on me to be at work all the time.  Now I say to her - NO, I am not going to do that because I need to be with my daughter......and I remind her that she cannot have it both ways so she needs to get used to that idea....and I have witnesses to back me up.....