moving forward

[Amy]

I'm feeling so validated reading what you all post.  What a relief it is to have shared experience and to have a name to put on this dysfunction.

Here's where I'm at with all this.  I no longer interract with my N Mother.  She has no place in my life.  My N Father is only interested in my brother, so there's no family there.  As I uncover the hurt and anger, I'm left with an empty space.  Is this something that I need to accept, or is it an indication that I need to go out and risk making new friends?

As a side note, there's nothing funnier than two Ns that are married as my parents were.  In a sick and twisted way, the dance of two competing Ns is highly entertaining.

[isittoolate]

Hi Amy

Good for you

how are you feeling?--re anger, hurt, deciet, abuse etc from the past---letting go?

I would say you likely need to make some friends and just hang out a bit to get into the social scene, unless you have friends left over from before.

Do you have any feelings like remorse, regret, guilt etc? I hope not!

xx
Izzy

[Hopalong]

Hi Amy,

is it an indication that I need to go out and risk making new friends?

Imo, yes.

Take it gently, don't look for rescue or an intimate connection. Just observe people, interact lightly, and observe your own thoughts and reactions. If you make plans, try to enjoy them in the present moment...

That's my advice, hope it's on target.

Hops

[lighter]

I'm so glad you're posting.

I've been worrying a bit about you Amy.

That empty feeling is something you'll fill up. 

It happens slowly and if you do it with mindful slow deliberation, you don't have to do any huge editing like you may have to do now. 

You get to keep and stay with the people you draw around you.

If you forget to set your boundaries.

If you forget to enforce your boundaries.

You end up saying Yes to things you could have said No to.  What a painful frustration we can all do without.



If I were you I'd sink down into that emptiness and listen to it.

I'd see what it tells me.

It won't be comfortable but the instruction will be huge.

While you're in that place it might help to read a few well chosen books. 

I always choose books that will help me understand.  Sam Vaknin's book MALIGNANT SELF LOVE, NARCISSISM REVISITED helped me this time.

GETTING THE LOVE YOU NEED helped on another occassion.

There are so many, I'm sure others will share names of books that helped them if you want to choose some.

You're in the void now.  It does end.  Just be mindful about what you invite into your life from here on out.  Saying No is just as important as saying Yes.  Trust your instincts and don't make the very first excuse for someone's shaky behavior.

Those small feelings inside you..... the one's that you discount usually?  Learn to trust them and yourself.  I really like the books STRONG ON DEFENSE  and THE GIFT OF FEAR for pointing out how we are capable of sensing when something's amiss.  They're both books on taking care of yourself physically but.... you can apply them to emotionally as well in many ways.

Saying Yes to the right (read that as new) things... that will come. 

You're a bit amazing in that you're able to focus on important things and not be swamped by them.  You seem empowered to me, ready to work on resolving and moving forward, and I'm simply amazed at your strength.

[lighter]

I also want to add that, I'm all for you finding new friends and living a full life.

If I suggest you go slow it's only bc I want you to be selective and informed about your choices.

I want you to make decisions based on strength and healthy preferences you've identified.

Look around you. 

What is it that you want to add to your life?

What do you see yourself doing in 5 years?

What activities bring you joy?

Don't let unworthy others step in and fill up your life because you're too vulnerable to identify them.

I will tell you from experience.

They have no trouble

identifying

you.

[camper]

In a sick and twisted way, the dance of two competing Ns is highly entertaining.

I am glad I am not the only one who gets entertained by this!  Now that I know what my NH is about, I get a kick out of pushing a  button and watching him dance.  Unbelievable how my H can act sometimes!  The best part is I can watch and not let it affect me like it used to.  It has nothing to do with me and that is a good feeling. 

Ami, I just don't know how it feels to have an empty space as I have never been there.  It must be hard though.

[Amy]

Thanks everyone.  I'm not pushing myself, but I am building a new life.  Funny, now that I don't interact with toxic people, I have a lot of free time to myself.  Maybe I'll just wait a bit.  Get to know myself better before I jump in with both feet.

Two more abandonned cats adopted me today, so I'll have my hands full. 

[lighter]

I think we're all holding our breath for you
just a little.

Honor your household Gods and invest in self care and care for your kitties.  Think about those boundaries you want to protect like a Lioness in the future.   

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Amy and cats))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Good move with rescuing the kitties, Amy!

Cuddle up with that emptiness and fill it with purrs.

Another thing in emptiness, is openness, and freedom...just to listen
for your own voice.

I think you're instinctively doing what Pema Chodron writes about so wonderfully.
(Please note I am restraining myself and didn't even suggest reading her BOOKS.) 

I have big faith in you, Amy.

Hops