my son, bless him!

[WRITE]

The local kids all stopped hanging out with my son a few months ago, it was all tied in with the dynamics of the family we got close to who stopped being friends once we stopped helping them, they were never that kind to my son and it had been an issue before.

Over the months every few weeks he has gone back and asked if he could play and was rejected each time.

He just asked me again, can I go see? We had a talk with it and he said 'I don't get why they just went off me mum' but he says he isn't going to take it personally.

I'm so proud of him, he's strong like me ( yes and his dad, I grudgingly allow! )

People's hostility and unkindness shouldn't be a barrier for us doing what we want to.

It took me years to learn that, my son seems to be getting it earlier.

Part of me wants to protect him too, not let him go to be rejected; yet I know this is also an important lesson that just because something doesn't work out it's no great reflection on him.

We did also use the situation to discuss the way he treats his friends and his attitude to others, he could use work on that ( couldn't we all  )

***

I am in a power struggle with this  guy at church I like, I only just realised it; I'm not sure if I am deliberately sabotaging a potential relationship in case I get hurt, or whether I am acting out residual feelings from the other church experience, or what but I know I am being very testing and bossy and showing off. I'm taking a break from church after next week so I can get some perspective, I'll go back to one of the unitarian places where they have asked for help with the music.

Why does it always be 'help'....that jumped out at me as I typed?

I wonder sometimes if I can only belong temporarily and if I am giving something.

My self-esteem seems fine and I know I am well-liked even in the old church where I got so manic; the guy who told me we could never be friends hugged me last week.

I can't quite work out what is going on with me.

Part of it is I am always one-foot-out-the-door in case I get sick, so I pack a lot in.

But my therapist asked what my feelings were about giving so much....I know it can be overwhelming to others.

As for the guy- he and I have settled into a gentle if somewhat hesitant getting to know each other pattern. And if we are competetive- well he started it!

 ***

My son is growing up quicker than I am it seems

[WRITE]

He can grow because he has someone to fall back on. He is not alone trying to make sense of life..

he thinks we are crazy, especially me. But he knows he is loved and supported, which I never really was.

at 14 when I lost a sense of self. Now, I am  supposed to be an adult.

or you.
It's hard isn't it to realise you need to go over old ground....I tried not to be bothered with it but I was too stuck.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I wanted to reassure you, that you arent going to have to play catch up for long.

and CB is right, in three years I have made more progress than the previous twenty.

We'll get there!

[WRITE]

oops hit reply too fast, wanted to add:

the kids blew off my son again and when he returned dejected I sat with him and ignored his projected hurt and talked about my own experiences of years with no friends or years with lots of friends, and what I do to get friends or to have people to hang out with...and how negativity doesn't help and don't take things personally which are not in your control etc.

He was hostile at first then cheered up and we had quite a talk.

About an hour ago the doorbell rang and one of the kids came to play!

They are wanting this computer now so I better go, but I am so pleased he was able to work through something which can really scar a child, and I know when these things happen as they will from time to time he will be more emotionally resilient in the face of hurt.

***

As for church guy....I am always nuts when I start falling for someone, and this guy is gorgeous, has as many mood swings as me, is an accomplished musician and just when I wrote him off he wrote me poetry....let's see if I can enjoy the experience and not lose the plot, a test of how far I've really come.

Self-awareness is great but sometimes I need just that bit more 'having actually changed' if you know what I mean....

 

~Write
smiling

[WRITE]

giving him "roots".

yes, he's giving them to me too, grey ones....

He was thrilled last night, in the way we only can be when we have endured or come through something.

***

It also gave me courage to talk to my ex again, it deteriorated into a row at first, but we are now going to re-draw up our financial separation so I don't feel so much controlled, and we are going to proceed with the divorce immediately so we can start to move on.

Today my shoulders and back are so stiff, I feel like I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders trying to 'manage' everyone and control every outcome, and I am letting go of that now.

I can take care of myself, and son, everyone else I am not responsible for.
If I am kind, discerning and open-minded I will have good relationships to share my life.
I don't need these enmeshed arrangements which seem really unhealthy now.

Interesting since I mentioned sabotage though, some of ex's phrases during our row last night: 'you'll find yourself pregnant by bubba and I'll end up raising it when you go nuts!'/ 'your airy-fairy ideas have dogged my life'/'you're no good at practicality' and my personal favourite: 'you'll be dead in a year!'

 

[Ami]

Dear WRITE,
   I admire you. I  have always been too afraid to leave. It is hard to know what to do. However, I admire your strengh.                                                                      Love Ami

[Hopalong]

Write...

WOWSERS:

I feel like I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders trying to 'manage' everyone and control every outcome, and I am letting go of that now.

I can take care of myself, and son, everyone else I am not responsible for.
If I am kind, discerning and open-minded I will have good relationships to share my life.
I don't need these enmeshed arrangements which seem really unhealthy now.

and you're okay in a nice relationship with a strong, interesting, confident, good-enough WRITE, too.

xo,
Hops

[WRITE]

well you know how it is with NPD, it's never as cut and dried as me dealing with my side of things and drawing up an agreement with ex. But I think under the circumstances it's as good as it's going to get!

Thanks for all your support.