I got back on Wednesday after spending 5 days with Mammaw at the center. I was delighted by how much progress she has made, she’s stronger, she has many friends and many activities. She’s doing great!!! The staff is incredible, the residents are friendly, and I’m very grateful that things are working out well for her.
I talked with my T several times about my trip before my trip. Trying to prepare myself for dealing with my mother. I knew that I wanted to spend the majority of my time with Mammaw, which I did. I was also hoping that I would get to spend some time alone with my dad. That didn’t happen. Anyhow, my T told me that when my mother was around to remain in the observe mode and to comfort myself with my own thoughts. Mom was all over the place this trip. Going from being extremely kind to taking little digs at me every now and then.
These are the things she said, and these are my unspoken responses.
Mammaw forgets her sweater because you ‘trained’ her to forget things. You babied her, you did too much for her and she lost her strength as a result of that.
My unspoken thought. Mammaw has a diagnosis of dementia. Her sweater isn’t the only thing she forgets, she forgets many things. Perhaps you are right that I catered to her too much while she was living with me. She does seem to be much stronger now. I had no training in caring for the elderly and I was very afraid she would fall. And anyway regardless as to whether my catering to her was good for her or not, I did the very best that I knew how to do at the time. Mammaw knows that. I’ve never claimed to be a perfect caretaker, but I did do my best, and my best was good enough.
(Talking to my aunt in my presence) Yes, she’s finally here, she has to come see us now that we have Mammaw.
Ah ha…. I think I know about this one (thank you storm) this is richocet transaction, this is speaking to one person when you are really intending for another to hear it. This isn’t healthy. Nothing else to ponder.
(Talking to me) You are the only one we have left. We never hear from your brother or your sister.
My unspoken thought. This has been your choice, the result of your actions, your mind games drove them away along time ago. I had a harder time with this because I wanted a relationship with my father. I don’t feel sorry for you. You could change this. Apologize to my sister for treating her the way you did, work on the relationship. If you can’t own your part, no healing happens.
(Talking to everyone while we were eating out) She loves Mammaw so much because Mammaw has always gotten her out of trouble.
My unspoken thought; I’m not going to kerfuffle like a chicken over this!!! I know my love for Mammaw is real, and Mammaw knows it. Think what you like my dear.
I wish you wanted to spend as much time with me as you do Mammaw.
My unspoken thought; I wish you could see me as clearly as Mammaw has. Allow me to be a separate person Give me a voice, hear what I say, love me for who I am, not who you have decided I should be.
You know your father isn’t well. I’m very afraid of what will happen in the future.
My response…. I’m worried too.
I want to take you out to eat alone, just me and you. I want to spend time with you.
My unspoken thought… oh shit… what has she got up her sleeve. But in thinking back it was a nice meal and she was very kind to me during that meal. I don’t know what that was about.
Let me take you to the mall. I want to buy you some blouses. That’s kind of you mom but I really don’t need any blouses. But I want to buy them for you. We’ll just pick out a couple.
My unspoken thought you need to buy this for me for some reason. I don’t know what that reason is and I don’t know why sometimes you are kind and I find out later that you have said many mean and untrue things about me.
I don’t spend hardly any time with R (her sister, my aunt) anymore. We just don’t get along as well as we once did.
My unspoken thought: What kind of mind games have you been playing with her.
I really enjoyed your visit. I hope you will come back soon.
I’ll be back.
I don’t want Mammaw coming to the house. If you want to come and make her candy you are welcome too, but I don’t want her in my house. I’m afraid she will refuse to go back.
My unspoken thought; It is very evident that Mammaw loves the facility she is living in. I know she wouldn’t have any trouble returning to the facility. This is a mind thing she’s playing on mammaw.
Do you like the room. I decorated it as nice as I could. See, even put your picture right in the first place everyone sees. Do you like it? I really hope you like it.
My spoken words. I really love the room mom. You did a wonderful job fixing it up for Mammaw. Thank you.
Mammaw says she doesn’t have enough clothes, but I buy her new ones and she continues to wear the old ones. I take her with me and she picks things out, but doesn’t wear them. I bought her 3 sweaters the other day and came to see her and she had one of her friends sweaters on. I don’t know how to handle this.
Mammaw has always had plenty of clothes. I can see she has plenty now. Mammaw is 95, she likes to wear the clothes she’s use too. Her and her friend trading sweaters isn’t a bad thing. Don’t worry about it.
And when I went to her house to make Mammaw the candy I noticed she had a row full of self help books on her bookshelf. I wonder what that meant and I wonder if she’s ever read them.
During most of these comments Mammaw was in the room or nearby. Had I said anything things would have blown up and that would have been bad for Mammaw. And bad for me too. I have no interest in being in my mothers life because when I am I become invisible, and just when I think things are working out, she pulls some very mean stunt that throws me totally off balance. I am not a person to my mother. She doesn’t see or hear me, and she has no interest in my life, but she does have a strong interest in trying to make me things I am not. Trying to make me be a certain way so that she will feel good about herself. I really resent that.
This was an okay trip for me. It was practice taking care of myself in a situation that earlier in my life I wasn’t able to do. I remember cherishing the kindness only to get a serious backstab from her later. I really don’t know about my mother right now. I think she is seriously sick or seriously evil. I know while I was growing up many of her actions were evil. These days I just don’t know. I think that part of what has caused me trouble in the past was that when she would be kind my hopes would soar, but in just a little time she would have stomped on them with her shaming and meanness. She couldn’t be relied upon, and I’m not going to blindly trust anything from her ever again. It makes me emotionally sick to do that. I did a good enough job of taking care of myself during the trip though. Didn’t speak that much to her, and concentrated on how I was feeling and taking care of myself. I actually saw her very little while I was there. This has been good practice for me. I really feel that nothing has changed though. The little digs that she feels compelled to throw my way give me enough evidence that she’s not looking to repair a relationship, she’s looking for supply….. and I’m all supplied out.
I think this was progress for me. I wasn’t looking for validation from her. I was trying to validate myself. Anyone have any thoughts on this? Was I unhealthy in my thinking? Is there a better way to handle these things. Maybe next time they won’t just be in my thoughts…. maybe I’ll voice them.
ms
