The sadness that I felt with an interaction,today

[lighter]

Storm:
I read the veleveteen rabbit to one of my children.  This was years ago.  She'd already stopped dragging around her little stuffed animal friend.  It had been a while since she'd asked for him. 

Afte I read that story to her, she began asking for him again and making sure he was around at bedtimen fairly regularly.  He's still making appearances to this day, lol.  Thanks.

[NewMe]

Dearest Ami,

I can't add anything to the incredible wisdom of the posts above, but I just wanted you to know how much I care and understand.  My situation is so similar to yours . . . my Dad is so gentle and passive, and he has definitely done that "manipulation by proxy" thing, in which he has tried to do and say anything to pull me back in. It is truly shocking to finally comprehend that my Nmom is the ONLY thing that really matters to him. He may love my brother and me, but we've been sacrificed over and over, our whole lives, in the effort to make Mom happy.

The only connection we had left was that we all belonged to a group health insurance policy--my husband and I were paying for ourselves and our two children, so my parents weren't having to pay a cent for us. But we needed to belong to a group to keep our rates down, because of my husband's health problems.  And yesterday my Dad left me a message saying we could no longer have health insurance through their group, if they couldn't see the kids UNSUPERVISED. So they're cutting off their only grandchildrens' health insurance.

We're moving to Washington State in about a month . . . far, far away from my parents . . . I feel ridiculously like a baby bird leaving the nest. But very hopeful.

The thing is, I can't get rid of the same anguish that you are feeling. Just remind yourself, you're making the right choices, and you can't control the choices they make. It's time to get out of this endless cycle of poisonous relationships, and protect yourself with strong, healthy boundaries. And lean on your friends . . . we're here, and we understand.

Hugs and caring!!!

[camper]

Ami, it hurt deeply to read this.  As I see all these situations, I see myself.  I know why your dad is like he is.  He had probably tried to stand up for things early in the marriage.  He got worn down and tired and gave in.  He became weak.  Your mother picked him for a husband because of his personality.  It is how N's operate.  They know who to find as a mate, a pleaser.  A PLEASER.  That is me.  As a pleaser, you do all you can to make the others happy.  We go through life wanting to help others and make others happy.  We look for those who need us.  We are not self-centered.  If I walk in a crowded room, I will search for someone who looks uncomfortable.  Someone who needs help fitting in.  I worry about that person the whole time if I am uncomfortable in talking to them(I am not very out-going).  So, I am a perfect supply for my NH.  Until, I got sick of it and saw though it.  Until, he demanded attention from me.  Until I got sick of his childish tantrems.  Sometimes, it is not worth it to stand up to him.  I need to be here for my boys.  He has the stage set and I can't leave it.  I have a comfortable life.  My H is grandiose, not so bad as it benefits my lifestyle.  I drive a nice vehicle, live in a nice home on a lake with a beautiful view, can buy what I want (within reason!), go on great vacations, eat at nice restaurants, have a really nice camper.  Why would I leave to hardship?  Actually, if we divorced, I would be well off but the boys would suffer.   

My H also put the ball in my court.  It took a few therapists to find one who told me about emotional abuse.  I was taught how to deal with it.  Unfortunately for my NH, I am a strong person.  I will not sit by and watch my H do his N thing to our boys.  My NH does go to therapy.  He does listen.  He reacts horribly when I speak up to him but he gets over it and it does get him thinking. 

I gave my heart, soul, life ,core,physical and mental health to her. I became a shell to make her happy. I let her 'suck out my insides" so I could go forward as her clone.I became her clone.   I married my husband, a doctor, so she would be proud of  me. My heartbeat and soul was to help her and to try to make her O.K.. I hated myself my whole life because i could not make her O.K.I blamed myself, wanted to punish myself and hated myself because I could never ever make her happy.I gave up my self esteem, dignity and integrity and threw it at the alter of her.

Ami, look at this in terms of your dad.  Your Dad did exactly what you did.  He let her suck out his insides.  He gave up self esteem, dignity and integrity and threw it at the alter of her.  As a grown man, he should have been stronger but your mother topped him there.  I feel so sorry for your Dad.  He truly missed out in life.  She took it away from him.  Took the father-daughter relationship away that could've been.  It probably hurt your dad to call and leave that message but he had to.  She demanded it and he did it.  My H does the same thing except I lie and tell him I did what he demanded and then I find a place for...(the dolls).  Rather than stand up to my H, I lie.  I have told him I lie to him and hide things from him.  It is what I have to do to keep the peace.  N's get so ridiculous in their thinking and requests!  Sometimes, in my right mind, I can't follow through.

It is so great that you are finding yourself!  It is painful but as the saying goes, "no pain, no gain"  Just remember, "His pain, your gain" and  because of His pain, you can do all things through Him who strengthens you!  You are not alone! 

Love to you,
MK

[Green]

((Ami)),

I am so sorry you are hurting.  It sounds incredibly painful.  But it also sounds like you are growing and learning so fast.  I am so proud and happy for you (in a manner of speaking), even though you must be feeling pretty miserable right now.  Growing pains are real and so are you!

If I had to guess, from my own personal experience with an Nmom and enabling/co-dependent father, I would agree with Hopalong's assessment when she said,"I'll bet my last paycheck that your poor Dad is so ineffectual that he was just being messenger man.  I think your mother fed him that line."  This happens constantly with my dad and N-ish stepmom (though she is not as bad as Nmom).  I have watched my dad, sitting in a social situation, looking totally lifeless and lost, when my stepmom literally grabs him by the shoulders, moves his body into position, and feeds him a line to recite. And then he seems relieved, because now he know what he is supposed to do.  The first time I noticed this, I felt like I got hit by a bolt of lightning. Now I see it all the time. I have not exactly forgiven him for being weak, abandoning my brother and me, etc., but I have let it go.  When my mom threw him out, he left, because that is what she told him to do.  it is what it is, and I doubt he will ever change. He will probably never excavate his real essential self.  I can only focus on the tiny scraps of good in our relationship, like when we attempt to have a conversation out of the puppetmaster's earshot.

One question comes to mind.  What is your sadness like? Is it like grieving for what you have lost/do not have?  or is it the kind of sadness that comes from buried anger at how you are being treated?  Or both, or something else?  No need to answer these here if you do not want to. Just thoughts that may or may not be helpful.


Love,
Green

[tayana]

(((((hugs))))))) Ami.

I am so sorry you are hurting.  You always have such uplifting words for me.  I hope my words can help you too.  I've been there too.

I remember once when I was about 12 or 13, my mother had asked me to rearrange my closet, so I did.  I rearranged it the way I liked it, and when she came in to inspect it, she took one look, screamed at me and slapped my face.  My dad watched the whole thing and didn't say a word to her.  He tried to console me, but he never said a word to the woman who had hurt me.  That's the way things happen all the time.  With my son, my dad has intervened a few times, and said you need to try something else.  But I don't ever remember him telling my mom, "That's wrong.  You shouldn't do that, you shouldn't say that."  And my dad let my mom initiate all contact when I was at school.  He didn't call, she did.  He never made her stop calling at 3 in the morning.  He just let it go on.

I hope things get better for you Ami. 

[lighter]

I remember once when I was about 12 or 13, my mother had asked me to rearrange my closet, so I did.  I rearranged it the way I liked it, and when she came in to inspect it, she took one look, screamed at me and slapped my face. 

Oh no, tayana.  Now I picture you in the house with Mommy Dearest.  I really hope you can get out of there soon.  Slapping you in the face!  HOW DARE SHE!?!?!?  That's just so wrong in so many ways.  (((tayana)))  What she's done to your soul, to your father's soul, is even worse. 

You too Ami.  You and your father didn't ask for this treatment but it's up to you to stop it and require better treatment for yourself.  Your mother and father aren't ever going to be able to provide it.  No matter how much you wish they could. 

[Ami]

Dear Hope,Lupine,TT,Dandy,Tayana,green,camper,Bella, Lighter,Hops,CB and Besse,
   Thank you for the warm Cyberspace hugs that you each gave me. I came through a huge growth spurt.This week,my H is home for a few days. Now, I am facing him. I think that life is just so pitiful
I realized about my parents and now I think that my H iis an N. However, hopefully,he just has N traits.
 I finally got some dignity and integrity back by standing up to my parents.
   Now, again, I must take my dignity back  with him. I wish that I just had a safe place to curl up with someone who just cared and would have my back.I guess that this does not really exist in life.
  I guess what is pitiful in life is that we are so alone and we want so much to belong to another person- to have another person care and love us. It seems like those desires end  in pain.
  I guess that I want to get to the place where I have "life"problems and not N problems. I want to be whole and face life whole.
  I don't know what will happen with my H.I must maintain my newly found dignity, I  think that  I have not faced that all I have when it is all said and done is  --- me. This is a "huge" ouch-but maybe this is what all people face.
 I have no idea what to do with or about my H,but I am praying that God will show me the way.
                                                                                                               Love and Hugs    Ami

[Ami]

I was thinking about what Hops said about Pema Chodron. I got some of her tapes. I could not,for the life of me figure out what she meant.
  Now, I think that I do. I feel a "hopelessness" but also a freedom and a lightness. I think that Buddism talks about life being suffering  and that happiness is not having expectations. In the Bible it says,"In this world you will have tribulation..."
 I think that to let the dreams and hopes die would be a peaceful thing.
 I am hurting because what I thought was life  is dying. Maybe healthy people have come to this point of accepting being alone and not expecting another person to fill their aloneness.Maybe,this is a big part of being healthy-- that you control your side of the street-only. I have been trying to control everyone else's side of the street and mine is in total disrepair.I want so much to have a healthy way of looking at life.
.I take solace in  other people here who have been through this journey. Maybe it is a predictable journey with predictable steps.. Maybe, the first step is facing the truth. Then you come to the next and the next predictable step. Maybe, it is a step by step process to just facing yourself as you are and life as it is.                                    Thanks for all your love   Ami
 

[Bella_French]

I was thinking about what Hops said about Pema Chodron. I got some of her tapes. I could not,for the life of me figure out what she meant.
  Now, I think that I do. I feel a "hopelessness" but also a freedom and a lightness. I think that Buddism talks about life being suffering  and that happiness is not having expectations. In the Bible it says,"In this world you will have tribulation..."
 I think that to let the dreams and hopes die would be a peaceful thing.
 I am hurting because what I thought was life  is dying. Maybe healthy people have come to this point of accepting being alone and not expecting another person to fill their aloneness.
 

Dear Ami, I nearly cried after I read your post. I want so much to fast forward your life to the day where you feel loved and deeply cherished, for that is surely what you will experience when Narcissists are no longer a part of your day to day life.

Please don't give up on your faith in life, Ami, or your hopes for love and connection. I beg to differ with the buddists; happiness is not achieved through detachment from the glorious bounties that life offers us, nor from dulling our expectations. Happiness is achieved when we are loved, and feel cherished, respected, and feel secure in our attachments.

You can have those things in this lifetime, Ami. You can have love just as you are, witout changing anything about you, other than the company you choose to keep.. You only have to realise on a heart level that love can't be experienced with a narcisist, because Narcissists cannot love anyone truly. It is really that simple, and yet that difficult to embrace.

Please have faith that life can, and will, offer you love. I know its impossobly difficult when you have little former experience to draw apon, which would give you confidence. Just use your knowledge of narcissism, and realise that toxic people are only a small part of the population. You need to avoid these people, that is the only answer. You will hear this again and again because it is true, as hard as it is to face.

Hugs to you !!!



 

[Overcomer]

Ami:  Reading your post reminded me of my family.  I think you and I had similar circumstances.  I have had my mom choose boyfriends feelings over mine.  Keeping up appearances is the all important thing and what floors me is that they start to believe that the lie is reality so when you shine a light on it and threaten to expose it, You must be SILENCED!  WE WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO BRING EQUILIBRIUM TO THE LIE!  It is ok to suck the life out of you to maintain control!  But you have the

[Overcomer]

power to stop the cycle-at least from your end.  I almost think you should say I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU DO WITH THE DOLLS-IT IS NOT ABOUT THE STUPID DOLLS!  But then they will think you are unstable and it is your prob.  Remember the prison?  Keys are within reach-grab them!  And your husband?  Tell him if the ball is in your court that the game is over and you are not playing.  Stand up to him by keeping your resolve.  Do not fall into the manipulation trap!  I feel for you!  Been there done that

[Hopalong]

Tayana,

Heartsick to think of your mother slapping you over the way you organized a closet.

 

I'm so sorry. NOBODY deserves that petty rage.

I hope you know that, now. It wasn't about you...it was like being hit by an out-of-control car.

I
do
not
like
your
biomother

Hops